Friday And Then in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

As I worried… once things kicked off, they’d stay kicked off. Back to having loads to do because I entered the Suit World of Law again. Even if just filing things and interviewing… blood in the water is blood in the water.

Sent in my Other Application. I plan on talking with my parents today about it. Frankly… I think this other opportunity would be better… I’d be going from a possible job in a county of 20,000 people to a possible job in a county of 97,000. AND (importantly) (Interviewed Job) an attorney’s office where it is just me, a secretary, and whoever takes the County Attorney position… versus (Applied Job) an attorney’s office where it would be me, several secretaries, several legal assistants, and about 20 other attorneys. Plus… visual comparison:
vs

Of course… there is no promise of EITHER job. An important thing to remember.

In “Video Game Resurrection” news: the item I ordered from Amazon half fixed the issue. It did fix one of the two controllers. My least favorite of the two. Because I hate the X, Triangle, Circle, Square buttons on that controller. Wife, who loved toying with our old X-Boxes, decided… if we’re just going to recycle the good controller anyway, might as well let her tinker with it. So, she completely undid the whole thing, opened the controller and exposed all of it, cleaned it thoroughly and put it all back together. “Put it back together” (with quotation marks) would be more appropriate. Many times as she was rescrewing she would say, “I don’t know if that goes back to that or… hmp.” SO… did it make the good controller work?! Not as yet. But there are some things I both value and fear in my wife. She loves trying to figure things out… even if it makes her violently angry and aggressively upset. So… a complicated thing that.

Too often, because of my chronic pain, I have a tendency to thrash about in my sleep. I am sorry to say that this has caused more than a few catastrophes. Wife would have a longer list than I as her “standard” for catastrophe is far different than mine… catastrophe for her is as mundane as “excessive drool whilst sleeping.” whereas for me a “catastrophe” is “causing damage to something.” Many years ago, I was ill and set up my X-Box to be closer to my bed so I could play it while recuperating. I fell asleep. When I woke up, I had thrashed about in my sleep so hard that I had kicked the X Box and caused damage to the disc inside and the HDMI port. The disc had to be replaced and never again could we use the HDMI port. Eventually, we replaced the 360 entirely, making the damaged unit redundant. After doing that, Wife caught the interest in its inner workings. Started taking it apart, putting it back together, experimenting with different X-Box mechanic things she saw on YouTube… she enjoyed it. Mostly. As with most things in her life… when she came to something that didn’t work the way she expected, she would yell and get mean for a solid 3 hours.
ANYWAY… something similar allegedly happened to my PS4 controllers. I’m limping along due to the Fix I bought, but I’d rather replace both controllers. Wife is tinkering with the one that is totally dead.

It is… an unfortunate mixed message. She can speak with passion and energy about her rage… but speaks only with indifference about things/people she allegedly loves.

I’ve spent the majority of the day considering What To Do about the job thing. I am almost 102% certain that Jones will call me to offer me the job next week. Que stops taking resumes May 31st and would be setting interviews for the first week in June. That means that, if I take the job offered by Jones… I’d be “employed” for three weeks before a possible interview with Que. I’d like the Que job way more, I’d like the Que location way more. It is a confusing place to be. Because… I am certain Jones will make me an offer. I’m not even certain Que will call me for an interview. And, especially in light of the last several years, I’m left to ask The Hard Question: Is it better to accept 2nd place, if 1st place isn’t guaranteed?

I talked to my parents about it today. Very different reactions. My dad was very much “go all in, say yes to everything.” His perspective is that if Jones offers me the job, accept. If Que asks me to interview, say yes. If Que offers me a job, say yes. Buuuuut… that seems like a supreme dick move. To accept a job at one place… only to quit and take a job somewhere else almost immediately? I mean… I get what he’s saying. Better to have something than nothing, better to get two offers than none. But… there also seems to be a question of ethics and integrity involved. My mom is a little more couched in her response. She wants me to really make sure moving for the Jones opportunity wouldn’t be too much like Tiny Town. And it is an extremely good thing to consider. Small, rural Iowa town, with only 2 people staff, and the Boss is leaving at the end of the year.... that is literally Tiny Town. Now, Jones is offering a better salary, a slightly larger population, and actual technology but… it is something to keep in mind. Another massive issue… the Jones Job would require a commute due to size. The area is too small for decent rental properties so I’d have to do a 30 minute commute (from out of county) in order to rent a place and get to the office. Conversely, Que has dozens of available rentals (home and apartment).

As my parents and I discussed everything, the question of what would happen to Wife popped up. I was surprised by the reactions but I should not have been… honestly, they should have been expected. My mother has 3 sisters. Two of her sisters have been divorced at least once. Without specifically discussing it, in our professional WASP fashion, Mom essentially gave me permission to divorce Wife if it comes to that. “Life is full of enough struggle that you don’t need to choose for suffering.” My dad has only ever had 1 divorce in his family (ancestral, generational, and extended). That divorce came due to extreme physical abuse… the wife (our relative) divorced the man, married up (considerably) and has been better for it in every way. But that is the only example he has… 1 out of dozens and dozens and only due to physical abuse. So Dad seems a bit less accepting of the idea. He appreciated the idea of Wife trying to learn to stand on her own, run her own life, take some responsibility… but he also seemed to be saying, “But remember to be there to catch her if she falls.”

Frankly, she didn’t do herself any favors when Wife arrived at my parents for dinner. Monologuing at every opportunity, never pausing to let a question or other voice be heard. And turning every conversation to her. My dad was trying to tell a story of his BFITWW almost falling out of a tree and dying this week… after two sentences of the story got out, Wife jumped in with, “My dad fell off a grain silo that was higher than that.” It’s like… “Shut up, woman. This was Dad telling a story about his friend, it did not need you to interrupt and say ME ME ME.” Bless my mother’s heart. Wife talked through so much of dinner that you could gauge the experience by visually scanning the plates. Dad, who always eats fast, was completely done. Then me. Then mom. By the time everyone but Wife was finished… Wife still had 1/4 of her vegetables and 1/2 her main course on her plate. It got to the point where Dad and I just… went away. Mom stayed to listen as Wife went on and on and on.

Meanwhile… here’s how I feel about my wife:
I genuinely care about her and care for her.
Sometimes, though, I cannot fucking stand her.
I honestly still find her very attractive, even after 13 years together.
Who cares if I find her attractive if our physical affection/intimacy is going to be a non-starter for her?
She has a world of potential in her… I see in her eyes, in her spirit that she could be and do amazing things.
She may never be more than she is now.... instead of embracing the world both within and without; she may always be a self-centered, selfish, self-obsessed individual incapable or unwilling to see or experience the greater world around her.

That’s how I feel about my wife.

How do I feel about my marriage?
I honestly am a little afraid of being solo. I didn’t do well single and especially if I move… single in a city full of strangers is a hard place for me. Granted… I’ve never been single and medicated so that may be a different world… but there are no promises. The expense and the “property division” of a divorce cause me anxiety just as I consider it. And I do care about Wife. A divorce would destroy her. She’d crumble, withdraw into herself, have nothing, move back in with her parents and go screaming straight back to Wal Mart to live in misery for the rest of her life. All while keeping my last name.

So… that is what is on my mind today.

Considering between Jones- a near certainty and Que- a big question mark
Considering between Married- a comfortable quagmire versus Divorced- an anxiety inducing idea.