Mantram in Random Thoughts

May I be safe and free from harm
May I be at ease in the mind and comfortable in the body
May I live in peace
May I investigate automatic assumptions and recurring stories
May adverse experiences open my heart to wisdom, compassion, and awakening
May my thoughts, words, and actions contribute to the happiness, health, love, peace, and joy in all beings, especially those in need

This has been my lovingkindness meditation since i took a morning series of classes before winter break last school year. It has evolved a bit. The meditation i learned did not include the line about automatic assumptions and adverse experiences. Those are my own.

When one does a lovingkindness meditation, you repeat it- once for yourself, once for a loved one, once for a neutral person, once for a person you struggle with, and once for all beings may all beings, past or present, alive or dead

Its been a while since i’ve written. Part of that is i had an amazing summer, probably the best since i moved to the Portland area in 2012. I’ve kept up with my indie movie watching, but not posting those (brief) reviews.

I am back because, as it happens with me, i have a struggle.

Monday early evening, as i was headed to my midwife to get insemination, someone rear ended me pretty hard on a busy portland street, then left the scene as soon as i looked up from by daze.

I received a hefty dose of whiplash, didn’t hit my head, and it seemed only my bumper was affected even though it felt like my world exploded. Later that evening (post-insemination) my bumper fell of somewhere around the Morrison street bridge onramp to I5.

I kept it together at school (new job i haven’t talked about yet), but now that its the weekend, i seem to be falling apart.

First of all, from the first moment, i knew my body was screwed. I have severe scoliosis and have been managing chronic pain and discomfort for years, esp as i;ve gotten older. This made everything worse, exponentially. It started as tightness from tip down my trunk, to my hips, butt, back of thighs (psoas, yikes). wednesday i was able to get into my dr and acupuncturist and that helped loosen up my muscles.

But now my spine feels....fragile, delicate. My body feels as if this is what scoliosis will be like when i am 70 or 80. My shoulders just want to curl forward and hunch over.

le sigh and my emotions have spiraled. It’s like i used to feel when i was depressed and unable to move. An aura of slowness around me. My breath is shallow, i can hear it in my ears. A weight, my limbs, especially arms, feel like concrete. And i am sadsadsad. All things are going to make me cry. I don’t have that emotional buffer to deal with.....well, anything.

I am aware that its shock from the accident. I also know that my emotional body and physical body are linked closely, so when i take care of one (physical), it will help the other (emotional).

So, i hope to talk through and work this out in words, document how i feel and really stay true to the line in my lovingkindness meditation “May adverse experiences open my heart to wisdom, compassion, and awakening”

On the logistical side of things (insurance), i am very lucky. A good friend of mine is my insurance agent and when i bought my house and bundled my insurance, i allowed her to put my package together. She got me some damn good car insurance that covers uninsured motorist and has only a $300 deductible and covers my medical expenses.

Oh, and i am very sad because they say my car is a total loss (though it runs like it did before). It was my GG (grandpa grey) and i loved her because she reminded me of my grandpa. He died in December, so it really is an emotional loss for me. Though there is an option that they give me half the value of the car (about 4k) and then i fix it. I am taking any decision making slowly and having the repairs looked at by trusted professionals before i make a decision.

That’s that. The heavy stuff. Maybe i;ll share some of the light next time i write.