Grey in My Fucking Feelings

Everyday is grey. It’s difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I have a million projects to work on and I finally have some time. Instead I’ve been playing games on my computer. I should take my son out while I can. I should see my friends. I should . . . Not think about any of the bad things when there is so much good in my life. But it is hard. I bought lots of yummy food and I have plenty of time to cook it, but I’m never really that hungry. I know I’m getting bad again.

My parents are worried about finances even though I’m doing fine. My mom is worried I’ll lose my childcare assistance and have to wait again. I told them I was graduating next week and starting my Bachelor’s in the fall. My mom just said, “oh”. My dad said nothing. Yeah thanks guys, I’m proud of me too…

I guess it’s just never enough.

I just want someone here to hold me right now. Someone to tell me I’m doing well. Someone to remind me that it’s gonna be okay. I just want to know I won’t feel alone forever. I had one thing that made me love life. I had an amazing job. Now that’s gone. Remind me what’s good about this? I just want to go to work. Shouldn’t I be enjoying the time I have without that obligation? Why can’t I seem to do that?