It's Been A While, Pt. 2 in meh...

This second entry brings me to sister in law.

She and I have to finish a conversation we were having yesterday about me, my self worth, and having no ambition.

I went to school to better myself, but it seems that the profession I took to, in everyone they are looking for, I’m not a good fit. I mean I know that I need to go back to school because I left feeling like I didn’t know anything thanks to the last class and the class two semesters before it.

At any rate, she, sister in law, sent me some job postings over the weekend. they weren’t links so I didn’t go directly to them. I’m a believer in those who believe have no limits, but I know who I am. I know what I’m able to do. I will not apply for a job expecting a lot of stuff from me and I don’t have the foggiest clue about what to do, but I did something similar 15 years ago (Executive Assistant-I don’t small talk, schmooze, or kiss ass very well to deal with the baby ness that is dealing with “important people”). I won’t deal with shady people or things that make me feel uneasy on the inside (Legal Services-allegedly a service to provide legal representation to the underserved community-low income, etc; they pick and choose who they want to help. I know case load may be crazy, but some folks they turn away and they are really needed; I can’t align myself with them knowing they do that).

At any rate…(I started this like early this morning and all hell broke loose so now I’m here this afternoon)

So, I know I complain about being broke and I want and need better. I complain because it’s in my nature. I get it from my grandfather. LOL However, I have a problem with people trying to “better me”. I don’t want to do stuff to live up to someone else’s standard of what they think I should be or where I could be. I have lived the majority of my life trying to live up to what other people expect of me, live like they want me to live and the bar is still moving. It’s always moving, therefore I say, fuck it. I don’t like the fakeness that comes with dealing with the corporate world.

I just had this conversation with my mom. I’m tired of trying to live up to where someone else thinks I need to be. That constantly moving bar is bullshit. It’s wonderful if have that can do attitude, but also know exactly what it IS that you can do. It’s okay to have limitations and know that and can stand on it. I’m sure about certain things about myself. I’m confident, but I’m not braggadocious in anyway. Like when Jay basically shows me off about how well I sing. I tell everyone that I do okay. I’m good at the songs I sing, but there are some songs I won’t touch with a 10ft pole. Because I know my limits.

At any rate.

I could sound like the biggest bullshitter to someone that’s already made it to where they are trying to be. My path isn’t yours. I already feel that I’ve “found myself” too late in life trying to be everything to everybody and being FOR other people. Now I’m trying to concentrate on me and with that comes expectations from everyone else that I’m simply not interested in.

When it comes to doing my job, do a job, I’m not lazy. I do the job. It doesn’t have to be fun or fulfilling. It’s work to be done. I don’t mind putting in the work. I just need to get to the work is all.

Did this veer of course?

LOL

Happy Weekend everyone.
Love, peace, and light to you all.

Kindest regards,
Sister