Wednesday and Mur in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Last night the wife asked me to pick up booze… I got beer and rum. We both drank too much. Well… not “too much” and we didn’t have sex… but “enough to have more than the standard 1 per hour. So… I wake up tired and emotionally vulnerable. Start the day by torturing myself mentally for a mistake I made a week ago. Goes straight back to the Monster Thoughts. Not a great way to start a day.

The day just… started stupid. And continued being stupid. It makes me really hope the JONES job comes through. I could use Work and doing good again. And people. I know that is totally on me but… there is nothing better than starting the day out with a friendly chat or a welcoming greeting. Positive social interaction is just… very awesome. And to be frank… it doesn’t matter if I’m at The Firm or Here. Chinese Boss, White Boss, and Wife are all just… not to be counted upon for positive social interaction of any variety. It is why I enjoyed my morning chats so much (short lived though they were). Hopefully, I can either get back to that or find some way to make friends. I saw an interesting video about Extroverts and Introverts in the South and it was funny. I’m a little of both (extrovert and introvert) but… the South is very different from the Mid-West in this perspective. Iowa Nice is a very real thing… though it is at risk due to the influx of assholes lately. But Iowa Nice is not Southern Social. Iowa Nice is that you can typically rely on Iowans to show you manners, help if you need help, and leave you alone. Some suggest that it comes from the Farming Tradition. We know that sometimes people need help, we know that people should be treated with polite courtesy and respect, and we understand the value of not getting too deep into someone else’s business. For someone like me, always trying to figure out motives and true nature and all of that… I tend to take “polite” at face value. Meaning… you’re being polite, I shall return in kind, and that is that. Hard enough making friends as an adult… harder still when you second guess yourself all the time.

The meal I’m cooking tonight is… an old favorite as it makes a lot, you can eat it as a meal or a snack, and it tastes good heated up or cold. But I’m doubling the recipe of the ingredients while making the bread base smaller in order to get many more individual items. It’s like a mini-quiche in that way. But it means I’ve had to hard boil 6 eggs, than chop ‘em. Chop onions, celery, sweet pickles, green pepper, and stuffed olives. I’m sweating buckets from being in the hot kitchen doing all of that, lol!

While cooking I was watching more Soul Eater. Something unfortunate came to me while I was watching. (Currently I’m in Season 1 Episode 40 “The Cards are Cut: Medusa Surrenders to the DWMA?” So whatever I say should be taken with that information in mind. The disturbing thing that came to me? I’m Crona. I don’t know who my “Medusa” is… I don’t know if I have a Maka… but the truth is… I’m Crona. Episode 39: “Crona’s Escape: Show Me Your Smile, Please?” confirmed it for me. Crona sees himself as weak, pathetic, lesser. He was forced to betray his friends and it is eating him alive. So he decides to leave. He’d rather be by himself with Ragnarok tormenting him than around Medusa (tormenting him) or his friends (where he’s torturing himself for betraying them.) But it was what Maka told him that ultimately proved it for me. Because what Maka said, what I would love for someone who knows me in the real world to say to me (genuinely and sincerely) is “Don’t you dare say one more negative thing about yourself. You think of yourself as cowardly and weak, yet whenever something happens, you put everyone else first. And then, you end up getting hurt. Please stop this. You’re hurting my friend and I can’t take it.””

I got in a 700 yard swim today. The first fifty felt better than any swim before. But the rest of the 650 yards was just as tough as ever. I’m practicing self-compassion and taking that first 50 as a good sign. Speaking of swimming…

The other day, I saw this meme with wording about how this is exactly like giving tax cuts to the rich. The idea being that they are surrounded by wealth (water) but are still demanding more even if they are going to waste it (the water bottle).

I shared the meme with Wife and stated, “I agree with the sentiment, but people mocking this guy have clearly never played water polo or practiced to swim competitively.” Wife didn’t understand why pouring bottled water on you would be helpful in a situation where you are surrounded by water. I tried (and failed) for thirty minutes to explain it to her and she didn’t understand. Though, now I believe I have a much simpler way of explaining it.... not sure if it works. *A person is in the air, surrounded by air, all the time. The temperature of the air that surrounds them doesn’t necessarily change. But after exercising, a person may often wish to sit in front of a fan blowing cool air onto them. The air temperature didn’t change, but you’ve been working so hard that you need that cool air. In much the same way, as a person in the water exercises and heats up their body (and face) the water around them doesn’t “cool them off” as it merely the medium surrounding them. Like the air in the previous example. So a cold bottle of water on the face, like the cold air from a fan, can be refreshing and helpful.”

OOoof. I’m backed up on bookmarks considerably. I’ll have to spend tomorrow morning catching up. AAaand preparing for my phone interview which takes place tomorrow at 11:00.