Wednesday and Words in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

The first several days in May are typically to be treated as Holidays for one reason or other for me.
May the First: Mayday… or “Fucking Outside Day”
May the 2nd: Sibling Appreciation Day
May 3rd: My birthday
May the 4th: Star Wars Day
May 5th: Also my birthday, yes- there is a story there. And Cinco de Mayo. And Free Comic Book Day
May 6: Revenge of the Sith. And when my parents will be celebrating my birthday with me and Wife.

I heard back from one of the three Job Applications. It was a no. They had filled the position before posting (not surprised). The best news, though, is that it was not the one I really want. I mean… scale of 1 to 3, 1 being NO and 3 being BEST choice… this was the 2 job.

I have to admit… I’m worried about how this week is going to go. I can play the “Good Husband” and listen and hug and deal but.... I would be lying if I said that I’m not anticipating a loooong week involving primarily me being around to hug, listen, and emotionally support my wife as she goes to absolute shattered pieces because she’s being asked to do her job without a trainer. Part of me can empathize with the whole “Scared and Frustrated due to Work” angle on all of this… but most of me is having a hard time getting past the “You’re almost 40, woman the fuck up.” Especially since, I feel whether right or wrong, that I’ve been doing the “supportive, listening, understanding” husband thing for seven years and nothing has ever gotten better, nothing has ever improved, nothing has ever changed. Simply “Wife is miserable and can barely function” but in different locations with different details of the story for seven years. Not to mention the fact that Wife’s own inner bullshit has a nasty negative effect on my own. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever come to accept how I look until (1) she accepts that people don’t need to be celebrity-style physically fit to be attractive; (2) she sees me as a sexual being that she could accept physically. Note… I’m not saying my wife needs to fawn over me and treat me like an Adonis… but… being treated by my wife as someone who she considers attractive would be nice. It is why I fear I am at a higher potential risk of an affair. I mean… it still is in the “highly unlikely” phase as I do not interact with many people, let alone single women who may have any fleeting interest in me… but it is something that comes up in my head. If a woman IRL made me feel wanted and attracted… would I have the integrity and moral fortitude to walk away? Would I even want to?

As a “Day Off” move, I decided to spend most of today either sleeping, returning phone calls, or trying to get that last 2% knocked out in Skyrim. Before I can even tackle the task, I need to be over level 70… currently I’m a level 55 so.... getting there?

Otherwise… yeah. My day has been… chores, house work.. talking to my brother. I understand that my family is freaked out that I’m not working right now. “Unemployed” to them translates to “WHY AREN’T YOU PANICKING?!” So they are always asking me about my job search and following up on “Do you need me to make some calls?” And all of that. I appreciate it because I accept that they are doing it out of love… they worry because they care, they pester because they worry. But… I’m not going to just randomly accept the next job that says “Attorney.” I’m done with that. I’m going to work TOWARDS something. I just… may need a little time to get all of that straightened out. Besides… honestly… I want to lose the Medically Suggested 30 pounds first anyway. If I can.

I may feel a need to write more later. After all, Wife has her therapist tonight and she has already been breaking down at just the thought of being required to do her job by herself tomorrow. So… tonight I may have to come here and write just for my own sanity.

I’m ending with this song because I find it beautiful, mournful, and kind of sad. Which… it is a song about a “Feral Child” the singer read about or saw on TV so… I suppose that may have been the intent?