Monday and The Dark in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Hello, Monday. You came earlier than expected.

After I got home last night from the parents, I went straight to bed. I think my horror at seeing a 4 year old and a 37 year old with the same reactions and sense of emotional maturity made me hit the alcohol just a wee extra. I woke up after about 3 hours and couldn’t get back to sleep. Stayed up writing, playing Skyrim. I gave a lot of thought to doing other stuff but just didn’t. Around 6 am, my stomach started feeling a bit wonky. Still is here 90 minutes later. Once the filters cycle through a bit, I’ll just start hitting the water and hoping that helps. Though I do have to say… and I don’t know if this is logical or paranoid but… my stomach not feeling great makes me a little nervous for my weekly weigh in. Like… if I’m gassy or if it is a digestion issue… that somehow that will make the scale say a higher number.

CURRENT WEIGH IN:
226.2

Original Weight:
230.2 Net Loss of 4 pounds

Last Weight:
225.2 Weekly Gain of 1 pound.

I know that a healthy, steady, consistent weight loss regimen includes small gains at times and that my April goal is “we are what we repeatedly do” so as long as I’m going it is a victory. But still? I am hoping to be at least to 220 by April’s end. Not sure if that is even physically possible… but I’m hoping.

I spent some time reading prosebox… not wanting to do my Honey Do List. Mostly wanting to do whatever came to mind and doing that instead. BUT the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, the guest room sheets need to be washed before MBFITWW gets here this weekend, my therapist sent me 6 worksheets over the weekend, I need to cycle out the water filters, I want to get significantly more done on my Narrative Therapy thing, I want to write some of an erotic story because… lets just say that outlet needs to continue!!! The romance and sexuality that I have to keep buried within me all the time… is actually kind of pissing me off. I want to set up a date with flowers, candles, dim lights, soft music. I want to do that! But… in this marriage… I’m not allowed. Permanent moratorium on romance. Sometimes I could just explode. I want to do for a woman but… not as manservant, slave, or house boy.... as a part of romantic gestures, loving signs, or a preamble to affection. Maybe that’s how I wound up here. Maybe after such a long stretch of nothing, I jumped at the person who said such things “weren’t needed” because I mistook “weren’t needed” as acceptance despite my actions. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. Because I really do have… this hole in my life. Where passion, romance, sexuality… where all of that stuff used to be. Now there’s just a hole and the knowledge that I’m not even really ME without it. Now I’ve just gone and depressed myself.

(1) Cycled the filters
(2) Took some needed time to relax and let my worries go for a minute
(3) Emptied the dishwasher
(4) did the dishes and put them in the dishwasher
(5) cleaned stove surfaces
(6) Skyrim.... I was finding myself in a bit of a mood so I put on some music (Caravan Palace) and hit White Run
(7) Reviewed/Deleted/Organized all E-Mail Servers (holy hell, do I have a lot of different e-mails!)
(8) Ran the clothes washer/Dryer twice
(9) Found the basket of clean clothes I did already… hidden by Wife who hates how I fold… and sorted through it for my clothes so that I could have my own clothes. I wouldn’t mind that she grabs the laundry if she would actually fold. Keeping it tucked away without ever actually folding the clothes or putting them away? I don’t care if you don’t like how I fold… at least if I was allowed to deal with the clean clothes after I put them through the washer and dryer… those clothes would be back in their proper spots.
(10) A little writing. Not nearly enough. But a little.
(11) More attempts at clothes dryer. Somehow this blanket got WAY too wet and is NOT drying :(
(12) Then to the gym. I almost didn’t get to the gym because I was thinking “It’s after 3:30, if I go now, I won’t get back home until after 5, Wife will be home before then.... But ultimately? I figured screw that. I want to lose weight, I want to be healthier… just do it.

Mostly… I’ve been fighting the urge to sleep. NOT taking a nap today. Hopefully the mixture of no nap and exercise will get me to sleep tonight. If not? Well… I’m not above thoroughly taking care of my own needs should I have to.

Not sure what Wife will have on my schedule for tomorrow but… I’m thinking (1) more writing; (2) swimming; (3) cooking; (4) fixing up MBFITWW’s room for the weekend; (5) finalizing weekend plans; (6) Therapy Worksheets.