"THANK YOU FOR THE FANTASIES" in "MY ROOM OF THOUGHTS"

I meant it when I said you weren’t the first and only. When it comes to offering sweet-nothings and empty promises, there have been many.

Well, what can I say? Fantasies are always the easiest. Just put your head in the clouds.

Then, start selling me those sweet swords. I’ve heard them all before. They’re nothing new, but do that anyway.

Perhaps you’ve been used to getting all you want, often without trying hard or not at all.

Yes, I’m sure there have been women who had thrown themselves at you. As if I care. I try not to judge.

That’s not who I am, though. When I offer a friendship, I really mean it. I don’t flirt easily.

I guess back then, you hadn’t met someone like me. You’d probably thought that all women were the same when it came to you. They couldn’t resist your so-called charm.

Then what about me? What has made me different than the rest – or at least – most of them?

Don’t get me wrong. I may appear sweet and innocent on the outside. In fact, some people I know have cruelly said that I am easily fooled sometimes. It’s something they tend to laugh about me all they like, no matter how much it hurts.

However, I’m not that gullible. Time has changed and shaped (or reshaped?) me a lot. I’m always a curious cat. Although I don’t voice that out loud, deep down – I always question.

When we first met, we were both broken inside (or so it had seemed to me). We both needed someone to talk to. Loneliness always does that to you.

After a while, we’ve grown close. At first, I thought we could just be good friends. I had no other ambitions besides that.

However, you had a different idea. You thought that we could be more and that we should. You convinced me that we could work it out.

Did I jump into the idea? No, not at first. I hesitated. My past experiences have taught me a lot.
Pardon my skepticism. No, on a second thought, I’m not sorry for it. In fact, it has protected me, keeping me safe for a very, very long time.

Of course, that has come with quite a hefty price. I am single most of the time.

Still, they blame me anyway. They don’t want me to be aggressive and make the first move. At the same time, they also think I’m not making much of an effort.

Such a society, eh? I can never win with them. In their eyes, I’m never right.

I’ve asked some people I know about you. Of course, their answers varied. Some warned me to be careful, which was natural. They didn’t want me to get hurt, because they were afraid that you might have been just a scammer. (Really, can you ever blame them?)

Others were overjoyed. At last, someone for me! They told me to give you a chance. I mean, who knows?

So I finally did. Ignoring my gut feeling, I started opening my heart again. I let you in. I saved a room big enough for you in here.

Everything was alright at first. I was even happy. Friends said my writing stuff had been less gloomy.

If you weren’t ruining it, we’d still be like this. You know I’m worth it, but are you the same thing too?

It had taken only a click to push me away from you. Perhaps it is my pride, but I am never the begging type. No reason, no rhyme, just like that.

Fine. I’ll just walk away. You have no idea what you’ve just taken for granted. I deserve far better than this. I deserve something real.

Thanks for the fantasies. Too bad those were the only you’ve ever given me. That’s the only think you could ever really be.

From now on, you’re nothing but a ghost, a fantasy. If you dare return to me, be ready for a major exorcism – because it’s going to be nasty.

R.