What's Easy? in Thirty-Three

Today I woke up and got out of bed.

For you, that’s easy.

For me, it involves a night of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable enough to catch a few measly hours of non-restful sleep.

For you its a matter Of “I’m tired”. For me its a matter of I’m exhausted from trying to help my body recover.

But you didn’t even DO anything yesterday. Why are you so tired?

What I did yesterday is the same thing I do every day. Survive.

You think of survival and you imagine a war scene. Bullets flying across your path, bombs going off in the background.

To you, everyday survival means remembering to eat a meal or drink enough water.

I’m drowning.

Those bullets you imagine flying across the scene in a war, those are passing through my body every time I move.

Those bombs exploding are a series of painful attacks my body releases every time I get up from my chair.

You vacuumed the whole house, it’s easy!

My victories lie in vacuuming a 10x12 piece of carpet in my living room.

More bombs, more bullets.

I face a personal battle every time I set my mind to something.

What about the kitchen? Don’t you see the dishes piling up? You have a DISHWASHER, why can’t you even let a machine do it’s job?!

It’s a dishWASHER, not a dish loader and unloader. You wouldn’t understand.

The same goes for the mountains of laundry always piling up. I have energy one day and get it all done. But then I still have to fold it and put it away.

The mere thought is exhausting.

You…you still eat though, right? I mean you have to, you’re fat.

Meals are excruciating. I set my mind to cooking a delicious, healthy meal. But once its done, I have no more energy to actually sit down and eat it.

I’d rather just go to sleep.

Yeah I’m fat. If I could only get motivated to go for a walk. Before laying down at night I make a plan for the morning.

Get up, get going, take a walk. It’ll help and you’ll feel better. It’s easy!

Rememeber how long it took me to get out of bed this morning?

I’m going to bed earlier tonight.

Four hours later, I’m awake because my back hurts.

Or the dog is snoring.

I can’t catch a break. The night I sleep more than 6 hours is only because I haven’t slept more than 3 hours for the last 2 weeks. My body finally shuts down.

Ah, rest! Finally!....right? Not. I’m driven into this deep sleep. No rest, only sleep. There’s nothing there for me. Only a wisp of what I actually need.

I may have a bit more energy, but now I have to clean up all my messes, left throughout the week.

Sitting back finally after the dishwasher is loaded, the laundry is folded and the house is vacuumed, I realize this whole cycle will start again.

The sense of accomplishment I have just felt falls out from beneath me.

It’s time for bed. I just woke up 6 hours ago, and my body is screaming at me to rest.

It’s easy…