Sunday Additional in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Call me weak.
Call me male.
Call me whatever bad words you want to.

It has been two weeks since I’ve had sex and 4 days since I’ve masturbated. For whatever reason… I want to engage in sexual activity. But… honestly… we all know how that works out.

Wife showed me some of the clothes she bought over the weekend. All variations of jeans and a t-shirt. There was one outfit, very 1960s… flare jeans and black and white horizontal striped shirt… it really looked good on her. Complimenting and flirting… she certainly got the message that she looked good… but there was no communicating to her my desires or wants. As always. So I made a more dominant move. Walked over, grabbed her butt, put my hand on her breast and was quickly punched in the gut.

Obviously, I also communicated the exact words “I would be interested in having sex tonight”. Which elicited an eye roll and a shaken head.

Obviously, I get it. I’m a fan of bodily autonomy and I’m not a caveman declaring “Husband wants sex, husband gets sex.” I’m not that guy and if you know me at all, I would hope that such a thought never occurred to you. But at the same time? I’m also very not thrilled that what “Feminism, Bodily Autonomy, and Consent Focus” have meant. In other words… it has meant sex only when Wife wants to have sex… which means rarely, spontaneously, when she’s been drinking, and only “decided upon or communicated” after we’ve gone to bed to sleep so late at night. Like… maybe I’m asking too much or being demanding but… it would be nice to have sex when I wanted to at some point? Or when it isn’t really late at night after she’s been drinking? Or to experience some kind of foreplay… some kind of pre-sex interaction that involves more than “Let’s have sex.” Kiss kiss.

I know this is an old, tired, repeated, topic. I know that. I know that this is essentially the exact topic that brought me back to writing here four years ago. And saying that… I must acknowledge that we ARE in a much better place. When I first wrote about our intimacy issues, it was 2014… and the last time we’d had sex was November 2011. So… we’re not backsliding. Just.... I guess struggling with it all. With trying to be supportive, consent-focused, bodily autonomy driven.... but also having needs and wants that don’t get any attention or respect… but also wanting more than “a quick sympathy lay” once in a while when she’s feeling guilty… because if at all possible in my life I would like to again engage in playful, flirty, or arousing foreplay as part of the sexual act. I hate sounding whiny or complainy about this subject but… for a lot of reasons… it is still kind of a big one.