A dark entry in Vulnerability

It’s never good news when someone passes away, but it’s a horrible feeling when so many people on Facebook are all posting vague ‘I can’t believe it…‘ and ‘Rest In Peace’ messages as their status’, with no clue as to who it was.
All one can gather is that it’s obviously someone on the Brisbane gay scene and someone who was popular. After seeing a few more status’ stating their shock, I soon learned that it was someone named ‘Matty’. Okay, that doesn’t really narrow it down either. There’s quite a lot of us gay Matt’s in this town.

I figured I’d find out eventually and just left it, but it’s always going to hurt more if it’s someone close in your life. I eventually did find out that it was Matty Soppa. I didn’t know him well at all, but I did know who he was. He was one of the dancers at Sporties, the one fully gay bar left in my city, and that venue isn’t far from my place at all. He was around my age I think, maybe slightly younger. He was very good looking in his twink-years and was very fit from his dancing and therefore looking well into his 30’s.

The next question was, what happened. One could only assume. He was still young. All the deaths of gay men I’ve known over the years have been via suicide. Sure enough, more status’ were read, along the lines of ‘You always had a smile on your face, but now you are free.”
Then today I read a status someone shared from his mother, confirming that Matty had taken his own life yesterday.

I didn’t know him personally, but man, it makes you think how fucked up mental health can be, and who knows what’s going on inside someone’s head. My head can get very dark at times and it’s fucking scary, but I’m too scared to take my own life. The idea of it not working, or being painful, of not being quick. Of how it’d affect my family. Yeah, no.
So, for someone to get to that stage where they can’t handle it anymore… man.
Maybe he had some demons edging him on. Maybe he was in pain.
Maybe he wanted to die while he was still youthfully beautiful.

I suppose, in a way, being an anxious person isn’t all that bad. The more people I’m friends with, the more time I’ll spend being upset if they pass on. Brisbane has a small gay scene, but everyone seemed to know Matty personally.

And now I’ll never know what he was like.

Last updated April 13, 2018