Schrödinger's uterus in through the looking glass.

Every pregnancy is different.
Knowing earlier won’t make a loss any less painful.
I am grateful to have made it this far, no matter what comes next.
The internet doesn’t have answers.

These are the things I say to myself to try to keep my fear at bay. And It’s been working, mostly.

Friday afternoon the OB/GYN called to say I need to see an endocrinologist because my thyroid is working too hard. It was too late in the day to schedule an appointment, so I spent the evening and most of the night worrying that this will be what causes another miscarriage, and we’ll have caught it just too late to do anything about it. But after a little bit of time, a few journal articles, and a conversation with friend, I can see that things don’t have to be perfect to work out. And I’m grateful that my OB/GYN thought to check (I’ve lost nearly 20 lbs since the miscarriage, but had attributed it to sadness and fear) and that we’ll have the opportunity to try to manage it. We’ll see.

The first ultrasound is scheduled for a little more than a week from now. It happens to fall out a day before the would-have-been due date of my first pregnancy. I can’t decide if that makes it harder or easier. Mostly I’m trying not to think about it at all, to just keep living life and take each day at a time. In some ways I think I’m actually more relaxed now than I was the first time around, though I do find myself questioning if the bouts of nausea and insomnia I’ve been experiencing are from pregnancy or anxiety. Probably a little of both.

We’ll see.