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nothispenelope

Nov.: Ebt mamma mia triggers dates sex trust relapse anxiety music readiing my sister ocd thanksgiving in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.

Feb. 5, 2014, 4:42 a.m.
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'1st

.....eligible.

So, apparently.

I'm not eligible for EBT anymore. I don't see how or why. The details sound complicated, from what my mom's told me. I don't remember what they are.

This means I won't be getting any money for food anymore. Which, is fine. Unfair but I've dealt with it before and there are worse things.

My mom doesn't want to have to deal with the EBT people any more.'

'this is short.

So apparently, Marilyn Monroe felt that if she put her whole self out there she'd be a fraud. no. wait. Maybe it's if she didn't. That's probably itI love her. She was so sad. So many people remember her for being all glamourus and a sex symbol which yes, she was. but I don't know if many understand what was behind that. she once said "i just want to be wonderful". and she was, whether she was aware of that'

'3rd

This is regarding yesterday's Oprah.

omygod. yesterday's Oprah made me cry. The one w/ Portia De Rossi. I didnt know she'd changed her name. As in, Portia's not her given name.

I can't relate to Oprah's story about dept. stores having clothes that are too small. They don't have pants in my size. not that I buy pants often. I have a '50's figure. small w/ curves where I'm supposed to have them. And apparently, according to my sister, I can wear anything because "you actually have a figure".

I absolutely hate it when people tell women w/ eating disorders "oh you don't need to lose weight". how is that helping once you've already fully convinced yourself you do?! exactly. it's not. eating disorders are difficult to understand. they're so complicated.

when women say they're a size, 6, 8, whatever what exactly are they referring to?

I love Karen Carpenter. She was such a sad figure. It wasn't untill she died that people realised oh. wow. guess we should do something about this eating disorder problem. Yeah no kidding. or maybe there actually is one [in the words of my ex boyfriend].

all the women on 'glee' have great bodies. i noticed this during their 'empire state of mind' performance.'

'ED Relevant

So, 3 things.

First, hopefully for my 24th [which is next summer/2011] I'll be going overseas w/ my mom. And, we're thinking of having tea. She knows I don't like to eat in front of people, which she brought up while discussing this. I'm not sure how I'll handle that........[I don't want advice. This is something I want to think over and come to my own conclusions about].

Secondly, a few weeks ago we were driving back from my grandmother's. My mom decided to stop in at Panera's, where she got a salad or maybe a sandwich and I got a mango smoothie and chocolate pastry. They were both good.

So, in her own way she was trying to help. We got takeout which meant I didn't have to eat in front of her.

That's how it was growing up too, in high school anyway. I had the option of eating.

[though I was hungry].

And thirdly. Last Thursday while at my grandmother's when my mom and I were about to leave she said 'how bout this being day you and I have lunch?'. or something to that effect. She asked why and I told her it wasn't anything personal [well. it's a little personal since I don't like my grandmother. this is my paternal one] I'm just not comfortable eating in front of people.

I'm also not comfortable being that honest/open'

'er. that title didn't come out the way I meant it too. [for someone who writes well I have trouble w/ articulation. and. not being as clear as i'd like. interestingly enough].

anyway.

I meant........'maybe if i ask him to show me'.

Now, as stated my dad's often made me feel incompetent because..........he'll do something for me.

Well the other day/week it ocurred to me. Maybe if I asked him to show me how to do/fix something....i. um. won't feel incompetent.

I realised this when he was showing me how to fix my purse zipper.'

'I really didn't do much last weekend. My friend Kevin was thinking of having a Halloween get-together with booze which didn'twork out I think. because no one else responded to his FB status. It was '20's themed. I have this '20's-esque dress and my purple Sinatra hat [which is 1 size too big but I love it].

So,

We might get together this weekend. I'm going to a show with my mom, don't remember which day.

it'll be good to see Kevin again. If I could describe him using colors they'd be yellow and blue, yellow because he's just. really happy. and blue because he's really cool.

Halloween I stayed home, listened to music. But I had a good day just doing that. bought quite a bit of candy earlier in the week. which I still have.'

So,

We might get together this weekend. I'm going to a show with my mom, don't remember which day.

it'll be good to see Kevin again. If I could describe him using colors they'd be yellow and blue, yellow because he's just. really happy. and blue because he's really cool.

Halloween I stayed home, listened to music. But I had a good day just doing that. bought quite a bit of candy earlier in the week. which I still have.

men? guys?

it's fitting

sigh

i miss men. [this is starting to look like a poem which. it's not]

or,i guess the company of them.

Ru, Jordan, Mike, Jason, Kevin and.......the 2 other guys [one of whom's 'downtown guy'] and I've not talked.

I presume Jason, Chris and Kevin are all busy. as was my ex.

and......the other Bryan and I just started talking again.

I still want my umbrella back forom my ex.it's a nice umbrella.

but.......I don't know if I should even email him and ask since I'm clearly. still upset, [no advice please].

I don't want to be in a relationship right now because. idinno i just don't.

I'm not really happy single [though. i'm not really happy in general] but I don't feel as though I have to be in a relationship.

and don't be in a relationship if you don't have time to. it's that simple.

I don't want to be 'that girl' which I was during the summer. the girl who 'hooks up' with different guys.

[not 'hooks up with' as in 'has sex with'. as in, is intimate with]. '

'When the mashed potatos come in a tub [as opposed to a carton. thing] is the tub re-microwavable?

thanks! '

'7th

I'm so tired. Which is funny because last night. er, 'last night'. This morning I slept better than I have in a long time. but that's because I was over at Kevin's. [and yes stuff happened].

but more on that later.

Since that's not really what this entry's about.

This entry's actually about Thursday.

The song my mom and I heard on the radio [one of many] was *Changes by Bowie. [yes as in David].

It fit the day. that was after we'd visited my grandparents.

even if it's not mine to accept it. or that I want to. or. whatever.

We've known about a year but it'll still be a shock when it happens.

There's not much I can do about it, really. Other than keep visiting them.

I can't....turn back time. in the words of Cher. can anyone really? no.

I feel so. idinno helpless I guess. [the song by Neil Young - Helpless - sounds similar to Bob Dylan's Knockin On Heaven's Door].

I can't control this damnit.

As for my mom. I get it's hard for her.

She's the strongest woman I know. It's hard watching someone you love be.....well. torn apart, as it were.

I know what I "should" do. I "should" ask my mom what I can do for her.

but that's not how things work between her and I. never have.

we don't talk that way.

So I have to be stronger than I am. I actually have to work at it more than usual.

I know I'm being vague here and that's intentional.

*oh, the song fit because there are changes occuring.

[no advice please. notes are welcome.].

thanks for reading/letting me vent'

'so after we [my mom and I] visited my grandparents on our way to visit my grandmother my dad calls Mom/ From what I gathered for some reason my grandmother won't be seeing us. Which is something of a relief.

We go to the store where I get potato salad, syrup and Tide then go to my place after which Mom goes to hers.'

'So yesterday I went and saw a show with my mom. Mamma Mia. it was fun. The actress who played Sophie.....I really didn't like her voice. she was an alto, apparently according to my mom. Usually sopranos get the leads in shows, evidently. Also. according to my mom. why is that? is it because their voices are better suited?

The name ABBA is actually the first initials of the members of the group. another fact from Mom.

The white costumes the Dynamos [singing group in the musical] wore were absolutely ridiclous looking.

I danced, at the end of the show. as did several other audience members. Of course I danced. I have this new dance move I picked up while watching Factory Girl [interesting movie. sad though]. It's a bit how Edie Sedgwick danced.

My mom danced too. she's. not that great. and neither's my sister. but she knows she's bad at it so she doesn't.

unlike other people who do.

I'm somewhat critical of others' dancing. The one dance I'm awful at is the waltz as I found out last night. Which I find hilarious. but........I'm a dancer and therefore........yeah doesn't work that way.

[and therefore I should be good at waltzing. don't read too much into this as it's a joke].

*oh, whoever thinks all musicals are happy clearly hasn't seen Spring Awakening. or RENT. or Les Mis. love the former 2.

I was wearing these cute polka dot slingbacks that were pinching my small toes. I need some more of that foam tape stuff. Well that's what I call it as I don't know the actual name of it. It's by the company Dr. Scholl's. It's this adhesive foam you put on shoes to avoid them hurting you.

So. Dad picked us up dropped me off at my place.

Right as I was getting ready to go to Kevin's guess who calls? yeah Kevin.

people have this habit of phoning at the most inopportune times. either while I'm asleep or doing something.

hung out w/ Kevin for a few hours which was nice. but. um. disappointing. [and as usual more on this coming. well wouldn't you hope? I usually try to stick to my word].

We went to a play. For some reason I thought we were going to see 2......so I was sitting there waiting for the damn thing to end so we could watch the 2nd one.

turns out there was only 1 that night. it takes me awhile sometimes.......ya just gotta give me time.

The play. well. it wasn't horrible. it was boring, funny.

got back to my place this afternoon.'

'So, apparently.

I'm horrible at doing nothing. which is funny because that's all I do. well. overall.

I know it's confusing.

I'm never still. ever. I'm always multitasking, even in my thinking.

well. except when I'm sick/intimate/sleeping. that's why intimacy's so good for me.

I get really bored at shows/movies.

[I realise I've been here before]

I also have OCD. so I have to rearrange things. [well I mean I don't "have" to. i could always. not. it's an anxiety disorder which I'd heard but wasn't aware of].

otherwise it'll bug the hell out of me.

If the world's not organised....it falls apart

[the world? or my world? hm....]

as usual. no advice please.'

'8th

by which I mean I hate being undressed by a guy when we're being intimate. it's just. not comfortable for me.'

'So there've been a lot of triggers lately. and. they've been evident.

um hm..........well, all the suicides in the news lately because. of what happened when I was little. er. I meant, what happened when I was little happened to the people who offed themselves. [yes I know I'm being vague and that's on purpose. I'm not ready to say/type the word].

For one.

And then, a few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking [it was a Thursday] and the conversation somehow led to her saying she never hit us. she did other things.

well me, no. she hit Kate.

back when Kate did coke.

thing was I had no idea at the time. I mean, that Kate was doing coke.

oh and on Oprah the men who'd been molested [what an awful word] went into great detail. which. is why I stopped watching after that.

not that I was molested, as I wasn't. I was assaulted. but they're both sexual.

and then being over at Kevin's was a bit triggering.

so yeah.

just an update. I mean, it is what it is but it also sucks.'

'First off, it's saving not savings. We're not having a sale on daylight here.

Secondly. I've found I don't like it. This is a fairly new discovery.

Some people. think 'oh isn't it great that the sun comes up an hour earlier?'. Um. not when you sleep till 2, 3 p.m. it's not.

Longer nights mean I'm more depressed.

[as usual...I don't want advice]. '

'I hate that saying. as though it's that fukin simple.

it's really not.

And I hate people who think that way. that's not really dealing with the problem. It's like saying 'oh yeah I don'tc are enough about you to actually listen to you. No, instead, I'm going to tell you to shut up'.

Well not the people themselves. the fact they think that way.'

'My paternal grandmother said this 2 weeks ago this upcoming Thursday [the 11th] in regards to my other grandmother's asking about her.

I didn't say anything but I was sitting there thinking 'well that's because she's not a bitch'.

My paternal grandmother's just. not very nice. she's selfish.

[if this was/is confusing......as in. um. My other grandmother asked because she's not selfish].

Oh, 'there' being her living room.'

'So.........Saturday night, as mentioned, I hung out at Kevin's. When I got outside of my place I had trouble finding his car. When I found it there were about 6 other guys. I didn't meet them by name. Kevin's like 'Anne this is everyone. everyone this is Anne' and I go "hi everyone".

It was pretty quiet on the drive up to Golden. I felt weird not asking them [the guys] the usual getting-to-know-you questions. right, women talk more than men do. apparently.

but it was fine.

I guess they'd had their day at the shooting range. not my thing. nor is fishing.

So we dropped them off at their places when we got to Mines. I felt like they didn't expect much of me, but apparently they don't expect much of anyone. my grandfather was like that.

Like, they didn't expect me to talk or not. talk. to be happy. I could just be who I was.

that's how it was with Michael....

a Katy Perry song came on the radio and I was happy for that moment.

*As we drove on the highway to our right downtown Denver stretched out before us miles away steel gray. it was beautiful but not in that lovely way. it was during sunrise my favorite time of day ever since I was 15.

When we dropped some of the guys off we then listened to this weird rap. I'm like, "this is weird. I listen to Emilie Autumn and I'm saying this is weird?" as she's pretty weird herself. she's amazing.

After we dropped the guys off we dropped by David's who [whom?] I'd previously met the last time I was up there. He's nice. kinda hot....pale, dark hair, glasses, blue eyes.

Kevin asked him if he wanted to come to the play and then out drinking, which he didn't while I looked around quietly. He had a collection of beer bottles on his. er. the upper shelf of his kitchen.

Apparently up at Mines people don't lock their doors, you can just walk right in. it's like New York.

So we didn't end up going out to drink. which was fine, as I didn't have drink money which I'd FB-ed Kevin about. I hate expecting people to buy me drinks. I have this $5 rule; if it's [whatever's bought] more than $5 I'll pay you back/I expect you to pay me back.

Went back to Kevin's for a bit then to the play. On the way up the stairs to either his or David's it smelled like food and I go, "omygod it smells like food. where's the food?" "I was gonna say.....have you had dinner?" asks Kevin. um. no.

At Kevin's I ate some pumpkin seeds he'd overcooked. they were pretty damn chewy.

drove to the auditorium. We bought a ticket, I flirted a bit w/ the ticket taker [who I later found out Kevin hates. and was his former roommate]. someone said "there'r a lot of ones here." Kevin; "strip club tonight." ticket dude, "I don't need to go to a strip club.", and I'm "not if you got a girlfriend."

I almost forgot to get my ticket. I'll do things like that.

The play was boring, funny. not great. well. it wasn't horrible. It was a murder mystery-comedy.

I'd gone because 1; I had nothing to do that night, 2; I like plays and 3; Kevin'd told me his friend was in it.

I guess by 'friend' he meant former roommate. 'Friend' implies you actually like the person.

*Kevin sat on the aisle of the left side of the auditorium. My mom always sits on the aisle.

*During the play I had an anxiety attack. 1- 10 it was a 4. We got to the door that goes outside and I'm like "there are too many people/I can't deal w/ people." "what?" "I.....".

I'm not that great at verbalising what I'm going through.

oh and the tickets were $3, so.

part 2 comin up! '

'9th

So we drove back to Kevin's. his dad called. about what I'm not sure.

We hung out on his couch, watched YouTube videos. He attempted to teach me to waltz which I'm apparently horrible at. Which. I find hilarious. [don't read too much into this. and. I explained this in a previous entry].

Watched American Dad. his roomate went somewhere I don't know where. After awhile I leaned against Kevin w/ my legs stretched out in front of me on the sofa....er....arm. He was sitting. I was under one of his blankets.

He moved some of the stuff that was on their coffee table so I could see.

[he's sweet].

Oh I tried this lemonade-vodka mix. I liked it. It was in this huge blue Nalgene bottle.

Apparently raspberry vodka's the cheapest vodka you can buy. It smellsa lot better than it tastes, as I realise while watching The Runaways awhile back. i really like that movie. If you mix it with cranberry juice you can actually stand it.

After awhile we went into his room as his roommate was coming back soon and I didn't want to be there with Kevin in his room. That would've been awkward, A and I don't trust his roommate. who I barely know and seems like a cool guy but......I don't really trust anyone, apparently as evidenced very early the next morning.

And Kevin's room door locks, so.

I was a little nervous about being alone in his room w/ him.......and as usual I was overthinking that. just because we slept together doesn't mean we had to. you know. "sleep together". [by which Imean have sex. although apparently he wants to. but more on that later].

I'd missed that, the company of men. well, a man. I'd missed feeling protected,,,,,,,safe, warm. comfortable.

[As I'm stating this back in the living room Kevin goes "ya know. My door's still unlocked". thanks hun. that's....that's helpful].

So in his bed we cuddled, watched tv. a movie, which was funny but weird. He realised what a flirt I was. well um yeah. And I didn't want us to be on his bed and not be near each other.

And if you don't want me to do that then don't invite me in your room.

When he was climbing over me to get the remote [his bed's against the wall and that was the side he was on, so] I was like "whoa" ok um. wow.

yeah.......it was really hot. [as is he. omygod].

I just like to know what's going on.

it was really nice.

eventually we both fell asleep.'

'So, Sunday [day before yesterday] I woke up at 11 and then again at 12. I didn't know if Kevin was awake so I stayed quiet. When he awoke he said 'good morning'. I'm, 'hi'. I never say 'good morning' unless it actually is. We made out. oh and yeah. I undressed halfway and...more stuff happened. [not putting the details because it's very adult content].

Well rather he did stuff. and as did he. [undressed that is. halfway. omygod he is hot].

And we did all this because......earlier that morning he'd asked if I wanted to be FWBs and I did, so. he doesn't have time for a full blown relationship.

It's funny; I know Iwent to sleepcuz I woke up [and obviously in order to wake up you have to go to sleep first] but I don't remember dreaming at all.

He asked me if I wanted breakfast. I asked what he had. cereal which I don't eat. so I didn't have breakfast.

We got dressed, he left. [not as in up and left. I don't think he'd do that. he went into the living room].

I got dressed. He came back in, I told him I needed a moment. he left, to give me time.

I went into the living room, got my stuff. we drove back to my place. Dido's 'thank you' came on the radio and I teared up. I didn't say much on the way back.

Oh, earlier that morning when he was asleep I was crying. He evidently doen't know what to do when people cry. he just held me which was perfect. it worked. I told him this.

The day was cloudy which I wasn't too happy with, as usual.

so that's pretty much it'

'Adult Content

[well obviously, given the title]

yes another entry from me. [we'd hope so. who else has this diary title/SN?]

because......I've nothing better to do with my time at 40 past 2 a.m. on a Tuesday?

er. i actually don't.

So............as mentioned. Kevin wants to have sex. which. is fine. I mean I've had it before. [as though it's a beverage or a food].

He's cool w/ the fact that I don't shave/trim so I don't have to make myself all perfect looking when we have sex. I hate doing that. er. in the past when I had sex I had to trim. god I hate it.

We both don't have a lot of sexual experience, alrite.

But.

A; we are not having sex when I'm on my period. there is no way in hell. I am not gettin pregnant.

2; I don't have female condoms. which I'm fine with. I just....don't know if it'll be a problem for him. [yes. I know. talk to him about this. I plan to]

and

C; oh shit i need to get birth control.er. a different form, rather. I have the morning after pill. thank god.

And.........as said. I don't like male sex organs. that might be an issue, with the intimacy being one-sided.

And if it is then I don't want to have sex.

I can tell yall right now that if you want as much from me as you give/do to me [intimately speaking] then. you're not gettin it. so find yourself another girl.

wow that was kinda rude of me.

but then with that comes the whole issue of...........so he [not Kevin. the guy/s in general] doesn't want to because I won't.

I'm sorry I just. don't like them. And I don't want to. I don't want to work on that. it all goes back to when I was 17.......

Although apparently I'm not the only one, according to James. yay. :)

Oh. And.........this literally just hit me last night:

He [Kevin] doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm cute/beautiful/hot/sweet. I mean I am but.......no. he wants to have sex because we're now FWBs.

yeah........that. really kinda hurts.

I guess.........I want to know it'll mean something. a little. It doesn't bother me all that much that it won't mean anything to him. he's told me that in advance.

but that's like saying, if sex doesn't mean anything then that person doesn't mean anything.

so with that being said it's entirely up to me whether or not we have sex. thank god he has the decency not to push it.

[although........with that being said,,,,,,,,,,,he did keep asking me what I'd do to. yeah. you know. And I told him 'no'. because I won't. Again it's not a personal thing]. '

'I'm disappointed, among other. things. er....emotions.

I was talking with Kevin about my grandmother. And all he boiled it down to was 'yeah stuff happens lifegoes on". which yeah it does i just. wanted a bit more.'

'so I have trust issues.

well we already knew that.

I was reminded of this Sunday. I noticed that while being intimate with Kevin I was very. removed. detached.

He's like "I'm trying to see how much you trust me which apparently isn't very much. .....good reason not to...."

It's not him though. what a ridiclous thing to say, 'it's not him'. of course it's him!

I meant. It's not a personal thing. I just don't trust people in general.

and damn right I have good reason not to. you would too.

[see? I'm getting defensive. oh I'm also pms-ing].

Like, oh, well I'm sorry that I have trust issues. oh I'm sorry I'm detached.

stupid. fukin ridiclous.

I shouldn't have to apologise for something that was never my fault to begin with.

is this going to be an issue when we have sex?

sigh i don't know'

'so this really has nothing to do with anything.

This dream ocurred the other week. In it my dad and Stevie [the parents dog] were sick. Kate and Cindy [Mom's sister] were helping them. I was telling everyone Dad and Stevie had to go to the hospital but no one would listen.

Dad never gets sick.'

'10th

Potential TW/Adult/Sexual Content

I've relapsed.

well.

I've been relapsing since last month. actually.

I barely eat now. I've already stated why.....in the entry about the triggers. and. i can't control my grandmother's situation, so.

*Potential TW

I've also been cutting. on my arm. pretty high up. I always make sure to cut high so that if I have to reach to grab something the long sleeve doesn't reveal the cuts and my mom doesn't see.

she knows I cut. well i mean she doesn't know I cut now.....she knew I did in high school. wasn't my choice to tell her.

it used to be this big thing. like, oh I always had to hide my cuts from people. wear long sleeves and bracelets. which. was ridiclous.

that became the "trendy" thing to do the "in" thing. if you will.

now it's not such a big thing anymore. the people who I trust.....i don't care if they see them.

well that and.

*Slight Adult/Sexual Content

I used to cut on my legs or...um. thighs. The cuts on my thigh are like this protective gate standing in front of. er..........'there'.

even though they're flat as opposed to standing. raised.

didn't think my entry would go this way. i'm not disappointed it's just surprising.

[btw I don't intend to tell my mom, so], '

'I'm attracted to tragedy I guess you could say.

this is a rather simplistic viewpoint.

i guess it's because I relate to it. Ophelia, Judy, Marilyn, Frida, Bettie Page. Emilie Autumn. Edie Sedgwick. though ........in my opinion, Marilyn had a better body than Bettie Page.

[pardon me for leaving out the men]

not only were/are Frida and Emilie Autumn talented they're both. striking. Emilie Autumn's hot.

and Frida, well.......

the women mentioned above went through so much

as did and have others.

as for Frida........for a woman of her size she sure packs a punch. a.ccording to the film. fiery and passionate and strong and. um. contrary. stunning but not in a lovely way. didn't take crap from anyone. she's like my mom that way.

Ophelia, as the character, her story. is so. it catches you in the moment. Correct me if I'm wrong here - please - but she went mad and then drowned herself.

and Sylvia Plath stuck her head in the oven.........yes I know. i'm attracted to darkness. 'or, troubles,' says the drama queen.

it's so stupid that they made Marilyn change her name and her hair color. she was cute.

My point?

my. my point.

is that I get it. i relate to it.

It has you realising that. in the words of Bowie, 'you're not alone love'.

and figures such as Charlie Chaplin and J.M. Barrie interest me too. led such sad lives.

if anyone has any more figures please, feel free to let me know.'

'This was meant to be written yesterday when. it all happened.

woke up at 2. got ready. went out.

It was raining. I couldn't tell if it was snowing or not. All I knew is that it was cold. Although........it could'vebeen hail, though I didn't see that or snow on the ground, so.

The first time I saw hail, which I think was last June [2009] I thought it was snow as I'd never seen it before.

It was cold, gray. around 40 [farenheit]. went to the store, bought chai. oh and a half gallon of milk. Everyone [well ok not everyone] was at the store. of course. because the weather wasn't great. crowded.

Evidently while I was in the store it'd started snowing. After I'd opened my umbrella a lady said to me "I need that umbrella you got another one?". no, sorry miss. not on me.

even though I have about 6 of the damn things. well, actually 5 now as my ex hasn't given 1 back.

I saw 2 other people with umbrellas.

oh yes now you talk to me...........you can think me weird [and probably do/will] for carrying one when it's sunny and then as soon as it snows, you want one.

Also. it's a good way to recognise me.

because. I'm always the cute girl with the umbrella.

"it's a good thing to have around," according to Ru.

So after that I went to Chipotle as it was Tuesday. and Glee was on.

I was the only customer in the place. so I wondered if it was open. well the lights were on.

The people there are so nice. and. it was warm. [we'd hope]. Being the only customer I didn't have to hurry so the people behind me wouldn't have to wait. I gave them a tip. as usual. The clerk and I talked about the weather.

sothen I walked home. yes in the snow and the cold. how else was I to get home?

I really don't mind living here [CO]. unless it's freakin cold.

The trick to being out when it's cold is to keep your extremities moving. ohandyou.

it was good to be home. it always is.

In the words of Zoey Daschunel and others who've sang that song; 'baby it's cold outside'.

if it weren't so damn cold the snow would be perfectly lovely

The walk home was exhilirating.

locked my door put my groceries away watched tv. that's my routine whenever I come back from grocery shopping.

omygod winter's an inconvenience.

watched Glee while eating Chipotle. those chips are so damn good.

The episode was one of the better ones. it was sweet, dramatic. good. They didn't say anything about Kurt's visiting the new school which was confusing.

it was a sweet moment between Will and the coach. Teenage Dream reminded me of this past weekend. oh that was the Katy Perry song that played on the radio Saturday night. Livin On A Prayer was freakin hot. they should do Joan Jett.

so that was it'

'11th

........flattery.

so there's this guy.

[isn't there always though? i mean there's never a girl. why do guys always refer to women as chicks? is it because we're cute? yes. you know you've been spending too much time around guys when you start referring to women under 40 as 'chicks'.].

And. we've started messaging. he seemed sweet. he's all 'hun this weekend you could come over and staythe night.....I'd make dinner for you........no sex'.

At first I'm flattered/excited cuz wow. yeah someone cares enough about me to cook for me.

And then the next day, when I think about it. wait what? I don't 'have dinner with', as it were, with just anyone. I have to get to know you first.

He's told me a few times he thinks I'm beautiful. which, 1; ok i am and i know. er. I mean thank you.

and what girl wouldn't want that?

but we've had no actual conversation. it's 'hey how are you......can't wait to see you.........you're beautiful'. I don't want a relationship based solely on flattery.

think on Saturday, before, I'll message him and cancel. we all know I'm not comfortable being honest/open enough to tell someone the whole. not. eating. thing.

and. I'd much rather FB/email/MySpace/message someone. then. call them.

i'm not disappointed about this not working. at least this way I'm letting him know.

[maybe subconsciously this is my way of prolonging the relapse. well. whatever]. '

'well got my period yesterday about a week early. it's never early. it's been late, twice, since i started keeping track.

which means i'm not cutting. [i don't cut when i have my period. it is what it is neither bad or good just is].

i'm having a helluva time thinking lately, a mix of my period and um...........the relapse.

ironically. getting my period means I'm healthy.

I'm colder........more emotional than usual. all normal.

[when I was over at Kevin's he's like 'how are you cold?' and I go 'have we met?'. how am i cold.......well um i don't eat.......].

Thing about winter is that everyone's cold so no one looks at you funny for dressing in layers.

which brings me to my next topic...........crush.

I don't use the word 'crush'. I'll say - er, sometimes - I have feelings for someone. 'Crush' was a phrase used back in high school.

'it's just, a little crush, not like i faint every time we touch'

It occured to me. Maybe the reason he's not all hung up on the whole me not shaving/trimming thing is. we're not in a relationship.

I like where we are. it's kindof like a nsa thing. thing. er. arrangement?

[oh nsa being no strings attached].

This is what people in college do. college/early 20's.

And, with the other guy I mentioned.........I already know Kevin. I'm comfortable with him. [well obviously. like i really needed to state that]. I don't have to explain my issues to him.

he's really sweet and hot and except for the fact that 1; he's always busy and B; he's a happy person, we'd be a couple. we're not and that's really ok.

we are sweet though.

isn't there some saying about liking what you want and wanting what you like? i'm right there.

also. not sure what he wants, so.

I've been in both long and short term relationships. eh. not at the top of my list.

oh! Photos are coming soon! yay! of my world.........friends, places i've been, Stevie [the parents dog], my sister. etc. my place. and so on.'

'This, again is one of those entries which has nothing to do with anything.

as stated.

I love watching people perform. I bring this up because earlier this morning [4:10 now] I was watching the preview of the new PBS show Circus. yall seen that show? it's so interesting.

I guess it's because when they perform - whether it be dance, acrobatics, soccer, drawing or whatever else - it's quiet and they're so. completely. them. so connected to their love.

it's so simple and intricate and innocent and whimsical and........um. focused. studied.

it's magical in a way'

'another trigger, that is.

I don't know if anoyne watches Rules Of Engagement but the most recent episode was sad. it reminded me of my dad and I.

So, a few weeks ago on America's Next Top Model during a photo shoot one of the women admitted she'd been assaulted. whoa.

[oh that was the other trigger].

Apparently last week my sister was calling my mom in a much better mood than usual. 'usual' being when she phones Mom and tells her how she fuked up Kate's life.

really. well that's a surprise. And I thought they were close.

I just.......don't see how you can be close with someone who hit you and called you a crackwhore. but. whatever. [and no i don't want an answer].

yeah...........that was a few summers ago. and yeah...........i know. i don't let go of things.

i've been having anxiety attacks lately. starting last.....Saturday night. 1- 10 they're a 4.

i miss food. god do i miss food. i was going to make some last night but. didn't. [well, you know. the pasta's already been made it just has to be um.....cooked/microwaved. not 'has' to be it's just...........a really bad idea if it isn't. and i'm done going on about technicalities].

I don't know why I'm not eating. I mean I know what triggered the relapse but I don't know what's preventing me from doing so. other than financial reasons.

the last time I was remotely happy was Sunday.

um. I might go see a movie this weekend.

Apparently it's going to keep snowing. and i never wanted it in the first place.

And..........the songs that sum up my life currently are..........Teenage Dream, Thank You [Dido] [as there on the radio], Sound Of Silence [Simon & Garfunkel, for the depresion], If I Fell, Long & Winding Road[ again, depression], I'm Not That Girl and Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want. If I Fell and the last 2 for the FWB. thing. [er, arrangement]. situation*.

so lots of '60's songs.

I've discovered new music. [well it's new to me]. Petula Clark, Etta James, Diane Birch and..........Sahara Smith. yay itunes. itunes is great.'

'12th

so as we all know I hate October. because.....the anniversary of the assault falls on the 14th. [well. that's not the only reason].

I don't how I know this other than repetition. but I don't remember and can't really pinpoint the exact moment I decidded that date was the anniversary.

although. the term 'anniversary' implies there's something celebratory. which it wasn't.

It's not the assault didn't happen on that date. It's just...........well. you know.

so many days pass by without us noticing the date unless asked or told.or a holiday.

just like. i don't remember the day the moment I realised I'm not comfortable eating in front of people. it started when I was 13 but it took me untill years later to finally get it for it to register with me.

I do, however, remember the day I got my first period.'

'my ex. Jacob I mean that ex.

He just FB-ed me, stating 'hey can you call me? i really need to talk to you'.

we all know how I am with grammar. it's not 'can'; it's 'will'.

And secondly. no. I don't want to talk to him. and esp. not 20 days from the 'anniversary' of when he broke up with me last year.

And after he psses me off and doesn't apologise......oh now he wants to talk to me?

though that. could be what he wants to talk about.

If you piss me off so much that I feel like I'm nothing..............so much to the point where I've convinced myself it really honestly doesn't matter whether or not I live when in fact I was already there.

then damn right I don't want to talk to you.

seriously who does that?

also. if I call him and he talks about whatever it is and then....we go into the sexually explicit phone call. i don't want that.

yes thank you for saying i'm hot.

i'm so much more.

I realise 2 wrongs don't make a right I do. I get, it's not right for me to do this.

i'm sorry for whatever he's going through i really am. [this is sincere even though it doesn't sound it]. I don't want to deal with his stuff when I've already got so much going on. well I mean the main things being recovery/depression. but those're pretty damn big.

Speaking as a woman.........I shouldn't have to feel guilty for saying no.

He - and you - are entitled to think me a bitch for this. ok. but that's. er. won't be my biggest problem right now.

[i really hope no one does though.........but that's how i think as i'm sensitive, so].

The answer's still no'

'So while I was over at Kevin's last weekend he told me 'you have tiny shoulders'. well that's a new one.

And then he goes "you're light".

given i've lost about a pound yeah. i would be.

so apparently......being on my period makes me defensive. as does not eating.'

'Omygod.

You'll never believe this. well. idinno i mean you might.

So when I wake up [from, er. resting is the best way to put it and not worry people], guess who messages me?

Shawn.

yes that's right. the hot guy who slept over and then up and left without leaving a note telling me he was leaving.

I'm not giving him the time of day. or. anything else. [the reason why are the statements above].

yeah it was a surprise to me too'

'No, really?

jeez it's that obvious?

yeah i know.

Well. it's 7:20 a.m. The sun's out yay!

it's been a long week. yesterday was a long day. we're getting more snow. of course.

Um.

I'm not in any physical pain just. mild discomfort. I don't want to be touched and i feel fat. [as a result of my period].

Oh so I have food now. That was the original point of thhis.......entry.

I'm sortof scared to eat. I have mashed potatos.

I do/don't want to eat.

It means I'll have eaten. [obviously]. which means I'll have to spend money on food.

and it's like........if I eat I'll lose that control. That's. precisely why I never binge.

it's not just about the physical weight. I'm...well I don't know how much I weigh but I'm still in the trple digits. yeah barely. I was last time I knew my weight which. was in college. so I base it on that.

I'm the kindof woman who carries the weight of the world on her shoulders which........somehow has something to do with all this. i know there's a connection.

if I weren't so tired I'd try and figure out what exactly that is.

[I. realise kidney pain's the worse of those].

My body's maturing in that way. it's so weird.

It used to be, when I didn't eat for a day the symptoms would pop up. now it takes awhile.

cuz even if you don't want to live. your body does.

Eating in and of itself isn't that big a thing. it's what it means. At um.......Whole Foods yesterday I near had an anxiety attack. my mom and I were standing in front of the pastry case and just. god.

i had a piece of chocolate pie last night. it's been days since i've had an actual meal.

i know it's scary i know it's worrisome. i get how much so. you don't need to tell me.

[and frankly. i really hope you don't].

you don't have to agree with me. i just........i.........i just hope people try to understand.

maybe it'd be easier if a friend of mine was here. then they could go 'yeah i get how scary it is'.

but everyone's 'busy'.

i guess. i feel alone here.'

'13th

oh good god.

and now i feel ignored.

no not becuase I had the chocolate. it was those Dove peanut butter squares. those are so good.and so rich.

I feel ignored because no one's asked. but maybe yall don't have to because. I let you know how I'm doing in here before you even get a chance to.

no one's emailed.

That sounds terrible like I'm a terrilbly needy person. well I am!

or maybe it's that. that's how I am with depression. it's obvious I'm not going to change so why bother. [helping me that is].

not really their help but, you know. support would be nice.

Oh so in other news.......Michael FBed me. I assume it has something to do with our "lost" friendship. I'm curious but also afraid to look at the message because what if it's something I don't like?

well of course if I think like that............

if there's one thing not ignoring me it's food. no no it's the other way around. I'm ignoring it.

but I can and it doesn't matter.

Ya know?

Food's not offended if you don't eat it if you don't pay attention to it. it sounds weird to say.

I've got a pretty good handle on this whole depression thing. I'm not looking for someone to er. 'fix' things, as it were. I'm not looking for someone to go 'ok look this is what's gonna happen'. No. I don't want that.

just, 'i get it' or 'i'm sorry' or 'you know how to reach me'.

somethin like that.

and since I so oftentimes don't allow for notes no one can.

yeah i know. it doesn't make sense.

Um hm.

My ex was in my dream. Bryan.

why I don't know.

I don't want to have that with Kevin. the whole.ex. thing.

and since I've already stated what's going on in here and then you email me an ask then what's the point in repeating myself.

esp. since I hate doing it.

going back to relationships.............although. you have to be in a relationship first in order to be someone's ex. which. would be pretty damn impossible right now, so.

Maybe that's how it was with Lindsey. who. I so often refer to as 'my ex girlfriend'. maybe she didn't think we were actually in a commited relationship. or even a relationship. which. explains why we weren't all that commited.

and she didn't understand I wanted to be.

as I recall she'd left it up to me.

but we really didn't do a whole lot, intimately speaking.

I just didn't realise/understand that we weren't on the same page there. and we hadn't been for a very long time.

wow just. wow.

I also, realise that I can't and, er, "shouldn't" speak for her.

So, I was reading earlier tonight [11:10 right now]. and thinking, as usual. [currently reading; Kristin Hannah's Magic Hour]. I was recalling my mom's telling me Kate has a huge amount of anger. I don't know whether it's towards me or in general.'

'So the other week - actually a week from this Sunday, tomorrow [1:15 a.m. Saturday atm] Kevin and I were in bed, talking. He was stating that when women wear bras they can look sexy.

well alrite i can see that.

But I'm not going to change myself just for you. I'm not going to do something differently for you. I've done that, once. and it's never happening again

I'm not going to let a guy control me. unless we both agree to it. even though I have. and yeah i'm pretty damn ashamed.

but I'll try not to

you don't own me'

'i actually meant to last month. when i also meant to buy lilies, for Halloween. these 2 weren't to happen the same day.

but then realised. it won't make a bit of difference. Except it'll be shorter. obviously.

I was going to do this because. well. it has to do with 'downtown guy'. he touched my hair. which people don't do.

he. also made me feel disgusting.

again. it wasn't my hair. it was his.

i'll still feel this way, whether i cut it or not.

ya know. i've never donated my hair. i don't know that i ever would.

it's not that i'm selfish. well. not in that regard.

It's that. I wouldn't want to pass on the energy to the assault to someone else. sure they might not be able to tell/know but I would. and I'd feel weird about it.'

'is because I don't want her to be nurturing.

My mom, much as I love her, is not a nurturing woman. she doesn't have the patience for it.'

'14th

everyone knows the whole Michael drama.....saga....thing by now. situation. Within these past few months I've come to realise that yeah. i was selfish.

sure, not verbally. I didn't tell him 'no you can't hang out with them'. I wasn't controlling.

he was just. one of the few friends that I hung out with. yeah I have friends but we don't hang out all that often. because they're either A; busy or 2; long distance. or both.

and I have a really hard time meeting people. [and no. i don't want advice on this].

i'm sorry that i was selfish. because i. kindof fuked things over/up.

clearly. i don't let go of people. things things............things. that've happened no matter how long it's been. my sister's the same she doesn't let go of people either.'

'um.

[what a great way to start an entry, 'um'].

I curl up when I sleep. and when I'm depressed/lonely. so I guess that could be misleading.

[this entry seems. short. wasn't there more?.......i don't know....] '

'about last night..........;)

which this is.

I went out to the liquor store. The night was cold. and dark. and even though it was in the 20's [farenheit] it didn't feel that cold. it was perfect and yet......deeper, somehow. painful.

dry and winter and lonely. It was the kindof night I missed Michael. the kind where, i realised when I got back, I'd phone people so as not to be lonely but then say nothing. so it would be pointless.

but i don't want to turn into 'that girl'. the pushy ocd one. that's gotten me into trouble before..........i'm embarassed to admit.

Something had happened at the park [oh. 'the park' being the park by my place]. I could tell when walking past.

I get to the liquor store, look around in search for amaretto. didn't find any, or midiri sour. I thought, oh, well maybe the ameretto's by the vodka since vodka's Russian and amaretto's. Italian. and you know, them both being international.

yeah. it wasn't.

I also found the rum and schnapps and a crapload of wine. they have more wine than anything else I think.

I've never had schnapps. though, the night I got drunk over the summer, I had a shot of this peach stuff that was pretty good.

I used to, and still do, think being drunk equates to being sick-drunk. and I'm probably. wrong here. i hate that i misunderstand things like that sometimes.

[wow what a long entry on my liquor store experience]

and the brandy which reminded me of having blackberry brandy last. year........

oh but they did have coconut rum for $15.99. and i didn't want to spend $20 [i'm rounding up here] on coconut rum.

yes I spose I could've asked where the amaretto was........but I don't ask clerks. I'd rather find it myself.

The clerks, - there'r only 2 - are lovely there. they're nice. and quiet. I think either Asian or Native American. well the guy is.

he was talking with another guy which is the other reason I didn't ask.

Liquor stores make me nervous and I don't know why. I'm obviously old enough to drink. hm.......maybe it has something to do with the fact that you never see ladies [because I'm classy like that] like me in liquor store. It's always the men.

Oh, so. I did this twice. I kept going around one aisle to where boxes were stacked. [you know, usually they have an opening at the end of the aisles].

I swear..........sometimes I'm like a goldfish who keeps hittin her head against the wall. as is Homer. [Simpson].

they also overwhelm me. liquor stores, that is. because there's so much. er. liquor. [no kidding].

I left, without getting anything. On the walk back I was following a guy. not like, "following" in that creppy stalker way.

[yes because that's exactly the kindof thing I'd do. that was sarcasm if you couldn't tell].

he was smokin i could smell it. I really don't mind the smell of smoke. I associate it with Kate...........and Michael.

In high school that's how I knew Kate was home. She'd come in[to our parents house], the living room and then up to her room. [she often came home before i did as I had play rehearsal]. and wherever she'd been in the living room smelled like smoke.

i'm one of the few people i know of who doesn't mind the smell of smoke

While walking home I realised I wanted to drinkto escape. I never drink when things are going well.

[not that things ever go 'well' and even when they are I never say/think/write that. sometimes it'll be 'oh/well that went well'. just like, even if I'm good I'll never answer the question 'how are you?' with 'I'm good'. it's always 'i'm ok' even if I'm not. Although.......I'll go 'I'm good' if someone offers me something, like food or a drink. you know. 'no man i'm cool/good'. depending on who it is that's offering.

If it's someone I don't know that well, like someone my mom knows I'll say 'no' and then add 'thank you'. oh, because if I don't add that they'll think I'm impolite. er. maybe.

well that. last paragraph was probably more than you wanted to know........in the words of my mom]. [not that things ever go 'well' and even when they are I never say/think/write that. sometimes it'll be 'oh/well that went well'. just like, even if I'm good I'll never answer the question 'how are you?' with 'I'm good'. it's always 'i'm ok' even if I'm not. Although.......I'll go 'I'm good' if someone offers me something, like food or a drink. you know. 'no man i'm cool/good'. depending on who it is that's offering.

If it's someone I don't know that well, like someone my mom knows I'll say 'no' and then add 'thank you'. oh, because if I don't add that they'll think I'm impolite. er. maybe.

well that. last paragraph was probably more than you wanted to know........in the words of my mom]. '

'so. meh.

Communication. I guess you could say I have issues with it. besides the whole........articulation/explanation. one.

There's a certain code of conduct to conversation. You ask someone how they are they ask you........all within the same email/message. And then more questions. and then an actual conversation.

I hate, when you ask them and they don't reply and it's like 'um wow ok......'. at that point I stop talking to them because I don't want it to be one sided.

that's. pretty much it for this entry.'

'The Winner Takes It All, from Mamma Mia, is such a pretty song. I also really like Diane Birch's Rewind.

Breakfast with a friend sounds good right about now and it has for the past hour [8:30 a.m. atm]. Not that I. you know. eat.

My computer clock's ..............uh............[i sound like James]. 20 minutes slow. I keep resetting it. it keeps going back 20 minutes.

so early this morning when it was......dark [bare with me I'm really tired] I cut. I don't know why I bother reporting that. it's like ok, and? your point?

i don't know actually. maybe it's not so much the reasons as that it happened. it hurts. [physical or emotional?]. I'm not complaining [for once you'll be glad to know] it's just. different because last time it. didn't.

eh it is what it is. alrite whatever life goes on. The world the physical earth won't stop turning just because someone did/didn't do something. life, in the words of Robert Frost, goes on.

I'm hesitant about cutting my legs because if I'm planning on having sex soon that'd. kinda hurt..........yeah.

I think I like the idea of sex more than the actual. act. not that I have much to base it off. of.

hm......so........I've been going through my photos to upload them to er. photobucket and then on here. oh if only it were that simple. No I have to [well ok not 'have' to that makes it sound like I don't have any choice] ........select the ones I want from the hundreds I've taken, rearrange them, upload them, select the ones from the site and then. put them in my entries.

which. could take awhile.

Looking through them makes me nostalgic. and sad. and emotional. [what doesn't make me emotional. yeah really]. There was a time Before. The time was Before. Before the cutting Before the depression Before. the assault. eating disorder. shoplifting. and whatnot.

It's a reminder that time passes as simplistic as that sounds.

I've actually had anxiety since I was 13 but wasn't diagnosed untill 15. I've had depression when I was 14 but, again.

I quit taking ballet when I was 14.

The last time I took a formal dance class was in college.

In some of the photos of my 19th my maternal grandmother's sitting up. as are the rest of us, in the living room of my parents house. yeah it makes me sad.

In the ones of me at boarding school I had this long gorgeous hair. not that it's not gorgeous now [well how would you know.....lol]. it's just. not to my waist. it hasn't been since I was 17.

that was the first thing I did in regards to the assault, was cut 6 inches off. now it's actually getting longer. and, in big waves.

In the ones. of my sister, some. Like, when she and I walked around and she had Mom's guitar, she looks very thin. and yeah ok at the time I knew what eating disorders were but that's about I really knew.

I still remember, the day I sat her down at the kitchen table and talked to her about it. It was, 'you know, Kate you're beautiful and you're fun and.....' so forth. She was wearing red.

but she didn't see that. and now I get that.

The funny thing was.........yes ever since I was 9 I knew that by the time I hit 18 something sexual would happen to me. and yet. that, again. is the extent to which I knew that.

I didn't know I'd cut my hair I didn't know I'd keep cutting it I didn't know I'd have PTSD. and whatever else.

And, again. the funny thing is........or, interesting. whatever. My point is, that. photos are the only objects connecting Kate and I. in the regards of our eating disorders. they say so much more than our words ever could because again. we don't talk.

they say a picture's worth a thousand words. well those certainly are.

I don't think, if I'm going to be honest here [what a ridiclous statement. as though i'd lie to any of you. i.e., 'you know, to be honest....' wouldn't we hope? lol] that untill I really actually talk about the things my mom said/did to me/us, what happened when I was little.......I'll never fully recover.

which.

is kinda sad.

and also. untill I get closure come to terms with those 2.

yeah even if I eat well the shit's still gonna be there. [as I learned in college].

I am really thirsty. random yeah I know.

The weather outside ['not that there's weather inside' i recently came across that on here. lol. 'the weather outside'. er...........as opposed to........? like, 'christmas lights: for external/internal use only'. is there a use in between.......?.... no didn't think so. anyway]

the weather's sunny, actually. for once.

think I'll go to the store. get chai and other. stuff. um.........maybe a magazine or something. I'm not really sure, hence the vague-ness.

because if I don't actually physically get up and get ready now I'll most likely fall asleep [what an awful phrase] and......yeah.'

'In high school my sister was addicted to coke. At the time, I had no idea. She also had an eating disorder. I, again. didn't have much of an idea.

not as much as I do now.

And, I realised something while walking back to the store earlier today [9:10 p.m. atm]. I could've done something. to help her with her eating disorder. and, I did that day I sat her down at the kitchen table.

but that wasn't enough

what were her symptoms? what was her version of this hell?

ya know.

what were her thoughts?

And I could've done more - or, anything. really - to help her with her coke addiction. had I known. and I did know that Thursday in June when my mom and Kate were fighting on the stairs..........I don't remember exactly how those 2 correlate.

but isn't that always how it is in life? oh, all the 'i could've's.

She and I talked about this once and she goes, "well you can't blame yourself for that". Well clearly I can since I have! i hate it when people say that.

but even I know how hard it is to open up to people. i especially know that.

I was terrified the day she ran away. she didn't get very far...she went to Bromwell, our elementary school.

I still wonder if she'd wanted me to find her.

i still sortof don't want to find out.

I figure, asking her that rather than assuming was better. that way. she had a choice.

and there's something to be said about having choices

a lot. actually.

that's the first time I've written about her running away.

I wouldn't call it guilt, exactly. i mean essentially.........technically.......that's what it that's what this. is. but 'guilt' is an overwhelming sense of........obsessive blame.

I guess I knew something was going on in high school or else I wouldn't've been so scared. Maybe I'm overdramatizing here [so what's new] but.........with her drug habits. i was afraid she'd end up alone.

I love her I do and I'd do anything for the girl but don't you ever. put through me that kind of hell.

so i wasn't there for her then. yeah shit happens. i get that i do.

but that doesn't meanI can't be there for her now.and she knows that i hope. yes we don't often really talk but it's that. knowledge that.........certainty. solidarity.

it's just. that knowledge will also, always be there. that i wasn't.

She'll always be my sister as obvious and simplistic as that statement just was. like in the song Across The Universe.......

'nothing's gonna change my world' '

'15th

yeah really. it's not as though it's that planned of an affair.

"she means. are you promiscious?"

both quotes from Girl, Interrupted.

promiscious? um. no. 'Promiscious' would be sleeping with 10 or more guys.

so this whole......casual.......sex. thing. [again, situation].

idinno it's weird. not in a bad way. in the way that there aren't all these expectations.........- i.e., I don't have to shave, bring condoms [frekin ridiclous they don't have female ones at King's].

I mean yes ok technically if you're that moral/ethical [which. I'm not] I am having sex for the "wrong" reasons. i did the first time I had it too.

I have the morning after pill [thank you kate. jeez those things are expensive] and a friend I can call if I get in over my head. and the number for Planned Parenthood. I also know where one is.

[i wonder if this is always going to be the case whenever I have sex.....or if eventually it'll be second nature]

so I'm good.

I'm not worried about it. it's just........

on the one hand, there's Jacob who I stopped talking to not only because he pissed me off but also. because. that's all we talked about. was sex.

along with being hot i'm also. interesting.

And then with Kevin [again not that we're dating] he respects me enough not to look at my boobs all the time. which ok yes that's really weird.

and yes ok so I "shouldn't" complain because really. what women wouldn't want that?

right i get it.

I think because we're not dating it's not that big a thing. like, I haven't bought other birth control methods [oh. i also know where I can get the morning after pill]..........i'm not all omygod i need to buy whatever other method.

in a way it kindof is meaningless.

he's not the first guy to turn me on, honestly. like. i don't tell him this because. well you know how i try and protect people.

i've been with other guys.......it was just a casual thing.

I'm sure were I back in high school yall would be lecturing me about safe sex.

but by the time you get to be in your early 20's you make your own decisions.

like yeah if I get pregnant then I'm obviously fuked [no pun intended]. but I'm going to make sure that does't happen and I know what to do if it does.

I don't think it will but. you know. it's always good to have a plan.

After all. it's better to have it and not need it than. need it and not. have it.

I also wonder, if it'll always mean something whenever I have sex.

wow. i'm really throwing caution to the wind here aren't I?

yeah.

and i'm the one who was assaulted........clearly. I'm not as careful as people'd like me to be.

but, ya know. it's my life. you don't have to agree with me and that's fine. but I'll do what I want with my body.

..........razorblade.

No really, please do.

by the word 'razorblade' it should be obvious what went on this morning. [8:40 a.m. atm].

sigh.

well fuk.

I am not in a good mood.obviously. haven't been. not that i'm ever happy but you know. sometimes i'm actually ok. [i never cut when things are going well, so].

idinno.........maybe i report that so er. i mean. wow i'm horrible at explaining things.

i report it so that.........in the same way I report other occurances. What I mean by this is...........that cutting, along with other events, is a daily occurance.

it's snowing. outside. er, obviously. i'm rarely in a good mood when it snows. I don't recall at what age-point I started hating winter. I mean everyone loves snow when they're little.

it's just. cold and depressing and. it'd be perfectly lovely if it weren't so damn cold.

it's a good day to stay inside. and go to sleep........have tea. hot chocolate. damn do i want a drink.

'good news! it's cuddle weather!'

bad news?

i don't have anyone to cuddle with [and by 'anyone' i think we know who i mean........;)]

My playlist for the day is............On My Own, Helpless [Neil Young], Sound Of Silence, Homeward Bound, All I Want/America [covered by Maureen McGovern], Fever, Mother [John Lennon], Fire [Glee], Happy [Leona Lewis] and........Home, Michael Buble. Fever and Fire. just cause. they're hot songs for cold nights/days.

[that last sentence sounded really flirtatious.......well i am a flirt, so]

I have a playlist for near every mood. even if it's not in typing, it's still. uh. in my head. You're angry? Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, ladies of the '80's.......happy? Petula Clark......and so forth.

maybe i'll finish that book today

oh, I'm making progress on uploading the photos

i'm exhausted and i haven't even done anything yet. dear lord.

well.

thanks for reading/letting me bitch/vent'

'i know it's ridiclous. i know it's stupid. i know it doesn't make sense.

I have food I just. don't eat it. i've already gone over why.

The other day I was at King Soopers and I thought 'you are so strong'.

isn't that twisted?

yeah........'is it stupid to have a goal that could eventually kill you?' i'd written once about recovery.

well yeah. cmon we all know the answer to that one.

it's. a goal just a really fuked up one.

that's how Karen Carpenter died.

karen carpenter was. soulful. bluesy. earthy.

rooted.

we're so rooted to our eating disorders. diseases.

because that's what it is. sure, again. you can sugarcoat it [that's an interesting image, a sugar. coat], anyway you want say it's a coping mechanism and deny to yourself that it's not as serious as it really is. in. actuality.

a coping mechanism in the words of Lindsey.

god a coping mechanism! a fukin.........a. a fukin coping mecanism

what the hell kindof coping mecanism gets you killed?! has that kindof potential?

i know exactly what kind.

but that's another thing that has potential

it's easier, in winter.

and/.but. denial's what helps us get through the day. so does being numb.

It was 2 in the morning when I looked through my recovery stuff earlier today. well. obviously earlier today. [it's 9:40 p.m. atm]. and wow that shit is powerful.

well yeah i mean it should be it's me. and i'm pretty damn powerful sometimes. in my depth and my darkness.

I love my recovery art. Ribs and. the desert that I never finished. just like the food I haven't been able toover the years.

ribs in a river.

That was my ED Land back in college. idinno if it still is.

You know. The desert in the Georgia O'Keefe pieces. put together with the one in the movie The Lion King.

my recovery art's really cool.

and, over time. I'd come to write about recovery and all that. what. it meant and not just the symptoms.

idinno if I'll ever show it to anyone, or the poetry.

i'm strong. because i have so much willpower. to do this. and. not. do this.

i don't need nor do i want you [or. anyone, really] telling me how fuked up it is.

i was almost going to eat today. almost. but then.............well. you tell me.

you piece together the pieces of my life analyse the hell out of me out of it because i'm damn tired of tryin.

i'm damn tired in general. and i have been for quite some time.

because that's what depression is that's what it does. it sits with you and has you leaves. you. tired.

y'know, it's funny, in a way. cuz sometimes ya gotta have that dry sense of humour to get through shit.

it's funny.......i go away for the weekend to get away [from.stuff.] and when i come back i have one more problem.

'but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in' - elphaba, wicked

you said it.

i rememberwhen the assault was 'it'.

it's not, anymore. but maybe........maybe. it never really was.

"well if you're tired. go to sleep.". if you're tired. do something.

it's not that simple

no please don't. tell me, actually. I just........that....that's just how I get. sometimes. [i'm referring to the 'you tell me' earlier in this entry]

On a seperate but still relevant note..........it's nice that i don't have to not cut because Kevin and I are now.........FWBs. [how '90's is that phrase? yeah really]

i love it when a touch stops you in your tracks

Um.

[i wonder if anyone's ever used up all the characters when writing entries.....]

As for the photos. they're now being uploaded. then [i'll be] organising and putting them here. on that note. the one of 'things to do'.............email my sister photo ideas for her 21st [it's in Jan], email her about holiday movies.......um........... i think that's it.

oh, well and actually. I have to write holiday poetry. erm. I mean, write poetry to give to people for the holidays. The 'people' being my dad's mom and her husband, my sister and my parents............um........yeah i do have enough muffin mix [I also bake muffins for holiday gifts].

What I did with my day. [yes there's more to this entry. if you've stuck with me thus far, thank you]. which, was long, hard and kindof bad. well, nothing. slept from uh...........10 a.m. to 7:11 p.m.

wow, really? that's............9 hours.'

'16th

Magic Hour, by Kristin Hannah.

I really like her books. They're about families, relationships.

This one is about 2 sisters, one who discovers a girl. They call the girl Alice and learn she could be a feral child. One of the sisters Julia sortof adopts her, teaches her.

That's as much as I know. I'd recommend Kristin Hannah and Jodi Piccoult.'

'i cut.

yeah i know.

um...................................wow.

[i know. so far you're all really interested]

i'm slowly becoming 'that girl'. that. girl. the girl with cuts going around her arms. well, nearly.

i love watching them come to life and i hate it when they don't bleed

i'm hungry. sexually. [yes i went there].

photobucket's being stupid. i upload the photos, get to 100% and then. when it refreshes the damn page it says the page is broken

i'll show you what's broken [that was a sad attempt at a joke]

so and then

i upload them again.

fuk.

that's the least of my worries.

it's funny it's like. with my cuts i've accomplished something. wow.

some accomplishment that is.

they're like a grid [prolly should've put TW in the title of this entry]

they remind me i've been through shit.

god addiction is fukin amazing.

i remember when Lindsey told me that, addiction is amazing.

that's what i am an addict in this entry in this moment right here right......right.........right now.

i wish i only wish the difficulty breathing was easily classifid as an anxiety attack. and yes. i realise that's spelt wrong.

can't. think.

i am so cold. my lower back hurts. i know why i know. exactly. why.

yesterday right before i went to sleep i was naseous.

i hate being sick. it's so lonely.

i sometimes not very often wonder..........how much damage have i done to my body?

and how come it's kept me alive this long?

and no. i don't want your stupid cliche answer of 'it must know there's something better'.

i eat chocolate to help with low blood sugar. yeah, chocolate some food that is.

i.........i had a revelation having to do with me taking my friend's pencil in elementary school. [no i'm not being vague on purpose here]. and for the lifeof me i can't/don't remember what it is

i thought of a story earlier. it hasn't happend yet. not. as in, it hasn't been written. As in.......it's something that hypothetically could happen.

there's another entry i've been meaning to write, about friday's oprah.

damnit. photobucket.

um.............................there was more. i forgot.

[5 a.m. atm] '

'I was thinking about this earlier.

[being in your early 20's, I've found. you think about sex a lot]

So.

I've only "slept" with 1 person. well. so far.

and I've slept, [as in, actually slept; not bedded. bedded, what is this the 18th century?] with. um.....5. guy in college, my ex, Kevin, friend and another dude.

idinno it's just. nice to wake up next to someone.

And out of those 5 people, 2 meant something. my 2 friends. well ok the guy in college was my friend at the time.

I was making the comparison between Kevin and the guy in college. thinking it'd been awhile since I'd woken up next to a friend.

I wonder if Michael was right if that's why Lindsey and I are so close. He and Rachel slept together.........maybe there's something to be said about that connection. well. we were close before.

hm.'

'awww yay.

Thatwas a weird movie. [I'm referring to Hair].

I'm in a much better mood than I was earlier/yesterday morning. except. really tired. and hungry. [so what else is new].

Plans for the day. Store, as usual. then Chipotle yum. where they have food. omygod food.

Chipotle because it's Tuesday. Glee night!

It's not going to snow today thank god.

It was beautiful earlier, the sunlight was in strips stripes? on my wall.and on the big box that onceeheld the tissue boxes. I took photos.

that's really it'

'i've remembered the more.

what a strange sentence. it sounds like something out of a romantic adventure fairytale. ['i've remembered the more!' the prince cried brandishing his sword. lol.

On that note I emailed my sister asking what moviesshe wants to see over the holidays. She, surprisingly, doesn't want to see Tangled].

so right 'the more'. I'm referring back to the entry I wrote earlier this morning, entitled 'it happened, again'.

[god i do go on a lot don't i. yes. only furthered by that remark].

i've been losing. little by little. i've lost at least a pound. i can feel my bones. when we were in bed kevin had his hand on my hip bone. I have really sensitive hip bones and not in a good way unlike my ribs,

[i've evidently become the queen of run on sentences. as well as the queen of obvious statements]

y'know. it's ironic........for someone who carries the weight of the world with me everywhere. i'm fairly light.

[and for a woman who has issues with grammar/spelling i sure don't capitalise. yes i know what that makes me. it makes me a hypocrite] '

'all things considered [recovery/relapse/cutting/addictions], i'm having a good day. and I don't even know why. it's not like I'm trying to. it just is.

All things considered. I really like that sentence.

And.........I did something I'm kindof proud of myself for.

well 'kindof' is better than. not. unless a friend asks you to do something which you're not all that excited about. I.e., "do you want to go see that new movie?" "kindof". no not really.

Got Vanity Fair, the one with Marilyn on the cover. love her. she was brilliant.

hm...........and oh eggnog. yum.

The store was. eh. you know how stores are not usually all that exciting. they didn't have cheese samples. oh but my groceries didn't cost near as much as I thought they would. got a crapload of change back.

So then I went to Chipotle. love that place. The guy was cute which I ws taken aback by. thought, 'wait maybe I should talk to him because he's nice'. I ordered the usual. I was the first person to givethem a tip. yay.

I left the wrapper on the straw after sticking it into the top of the.......lid. so I wouldn't have to carry it.

And.......held the door open for the employee that was coming in. we said 'hi'. she was pretty.

they're so nice [to me] there. well we'd hope.

There was a bluesy song on the radio, mentioning a cow and the words 'i'll be' and 'home'. not in the same sentence. it sounded like it could've been by the Dixie Cups or the Marvelettes or the. uh..........Shirelles. it had that sound to it. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

[no probably not, too vague]

I was kindof rockin out to it. of course.

'mama said there'd be days like this there'd be days like this mama said' '

'i'll be cooking holiday dinner for everyone. According to my uncle who told my mom who told me.

It's 'holiday dinner' because it'll be Dec.27, my aunt's birthday. My uncle's [the one who visited this summer] really nice and my mom tells me he's a good cook. I don't like cooking but if someone asks me for help I'll try not to deny them that.

'Everyone' being my dad's side of the family.

I say 'apparently' because I have asolutely no recollection of this conversation between my uncle and I taking place.

I'm not worried just surprised'

'17th

holidays*.

this was actually meant to be typed up this morning [11:20 p.m. atm].

i don't have to do this. i don't have to do this. i don't have to do this.

ok i think you get it.

i don't have to cut..........i don't have to. not eat.

but. i do i mean i am. doing it. that not. it/that being the cutting and not being the not. eating.

well............november 30th's comin up. damnit. 1 yr since he broke up with me. then the freakin holidays.

fuk

This Christmas will be the first one without my grandfather. well I mean for the past 2 or so years we stopped having big family gatherings at my grandmother's, as she'd moved, so. but I mean.....because he's died. in April it'll be coming up a year.

damn

i don't miss him [since i never really knew him just as i never really knew my great uncle Bill]. it's just. there.'

'oh jeez. here we go.

This is big.

That's the thing I was kindof proud of myself for doing earlier today [midnight 30 atm], was buying that book. It's like the universe put that book [Letters To A Bullied Girl] on the table at the store for me. like it somehow......knew.

well ok maybe not but i like thinking it did

because. i was that girl. hell i still am. It's just.........it's all behind me. the worst the past the. the worst of it. is. behind me.

That's what I mean when I say 'what happened to me when I was little'.

yes everyone. i..........i....................iwasbullied.

This is the first time I'm admitting it here.

it's a scary word. and it's an ugly wordtoo.

I don't remember it simply because. I don't want to.

Over the summer I did a little work on it. i started remembering. [with the help of being high]

I drew, a little.

took me this damn long.

took me years to go back to the school's campus. it's still hard depresses the hell out of me.

that's why i'm never there.

is that being overdramatic? or is it just, yeah. it was really. fukin. hard.

it's a lot.

posting this is scary'

'I never explained that part in the title of my last entry.

And so it begins another journey of.........hm.......recovery? i guess? i'm not really sure what to call it

Ariel. the mermaid from the disney movie not from the sad story my paternal grandmother read my sister and I.

You know. the evil seawitch that 'uses' Ariel for her voice.

that happened to me too. in high school. A black girl [i don't mean any disrespect], Brittany, pushed [er. not like, literally pushed] me against the white wall in the front hall and had me sing. what, i don't remember.

This happened after I won the talent show. I've "won" 2. One of my biggest accomplishments. I sang the Titanic song....got a standing ovation.

I was 17 that year. I sang all my pain. After, for some weird reason [because i do weird stuff like this] i was walking down the hall and this heavyset girl asked me if it was me singing. she complimented me, we hugged.

i don't know that we ever spoke again.

yeah, so in that way, being 'used' for my voice, I was Ariel. [that is one hot mermaid]. And. I love water, always have. as does my sister. that's another thing that connects us.

My mom knows it's wrong to hit her kids and yet...........she's said some pretty awful things to me, just as they did. how is that any different?

it's not.

I wasn't happy when I was little. Well you can see why. I've never been happy.

but they had their problems too.........I lived in Cherry Creek. "oh cherry creek". it was upscale........there's a certain association attached with people who live places that are upscale. they're rich and conceited.

My parents place, is similar to a Frank Lloyd Wright design. it's not one of those big white houses.

'they' being the people who........you know. who were mean to me. i still can't say it.

it was an inner city school full of yeah, inner city kids. you know the type........of, er. limited means, lived with their grandparents, had problems at home, didn't get enough to eat. Sure yeah I didn't know exactly what problems but they were there.

even at that age i was perceptive.

but that's not an excuse.

i was quiet and sweet. i ignored them because i didn't know what else to do.

i cried, a lot. if you cry you're weak and........that gives them more ammo.

oh sure, yeah they can try and change the campus. but it won't change in my mind.

I'm a very haunted person. very. haunted.

It's why I don't want to volunteer there. I was going to, last fall. but, i....i couldn't. I think my mom gets that. a little. I told her, the changing the campus. thing.

I keep reminding telling tell.ing. myself it'll get easier just like talking writing typing. about. the assault. did.'

'So........oh. I realised that even though after I reload the photobucket page and says it's broken it still uploads the photos. saves me a lot oftime.

hm......................

right.

I've never been that religious of a person other than when I was little. Praying and singing were the few things that got me through those days. could be another reason I love music so muh. I'd sing, at lunchtime, in the playground.

So, I don't how many people heard about this back in the day...in..........uh [ok i'm 23 now i was 10 then so.......] oh. 1997.

but on the news that year, late winter there was a story on the Denver news about a girl, Ebony who'd been hit by a car. I'm leaving out the details to respect confidentiality.

Well. Here's my point. She was oneof the girls who'd been mean to me. before the accident.

And, evidently recovering from that had given her time to think. about what she'd done.

when she came back for the 4th grade Valentine's Day party, she was so. nice. to me. at the time I didn't understand.

just. like when my dad was in the hospital 6 years ago it gave him time to think.'

'god i'm so bloody tired. didn't sleep all that well. had a dream about a girl fight. Kate, my parents and the dog were in it. slept from.um........like.......[my thought process is going wonderfully here] sometime between 6 and 7 to 9:30 a.m. well god no wonder i'm so damn tired. [11 a.m. atm].

and now a cent. er, sorry. vent*. [yes people. i'm that tired]. which really has nothing to do with anything.

So, last.......Thursday, my mom took out my trash. without asking. It was like, yeah ok I'm going to take out your trash whether you like it or not.

there's something to be said for asking.

[being that this is a vent it. should be obvious i don't want advice] '

'more on recovery.

So............I came upon this when going through my recovery stuff the other day. I'd written about having parents who don't see me. well my dad doesn't and he never really has.

i'm almost to the point where i'm going to eat again. almost.

i ate most of the chocolate.

I've always seen people. i've always been perceptive. apparently. according to Kate.

how that's connected to recovery i'm not really sure but........i know it does it's in there somewhere'

'.......days.

Actually no I can't. I also can't waltz, which is still hilarious. but. I'm a dancer. no, sorry. [not with that attitude. The minute you tell yourself you can't do something you're probably right. unless you, you know. actually can't in which case.......nor can I shuffle cards].

[though......i 'spose, if I stayed up for days I'd sleep for days].

and yes. I'm back here again. I hadn't realised how long 2 months without sex was untill. i had it. Yes relatively speaking it's not that long

So, I'm not very direct. which means, I'm not very good at telling whoever I'm being intimate with what I want. I don't want to be bossy and tell said person 'ok this is what we're going to do', but apparently some guys like that.

"you're a very well educated virgin" my ex once told me. well......haven't been one since I was 17.

and actually, most of that comes from the internet. My sex education.

I am, however, good at telling said person when I'm uncomfortable. I.e., 'uh, problem. I don't know what to do with my hand', or 'your arm is.......'.

which is interesting because usually when I'm uncomfortable I don't say a damn thing.

Unless I'm in a commited [meaning I've known the guy for 3+ months] relationship, I won't do the whole.........RPG/sex games/etc stuff. I'm not going to, er 'put out' - in the words of guys - for the first guy I see/hang out with. I want to get to know someone first before I decide that. it's more that than anything.

And, even not regarding being in a relationship. I want to get to know someone in general before we hang out. i mean....get to know them via message.

For someone who's evidently well versed sexually it. kindof makes me uncomfortable. I mean I can write for days about it [which. i have. and/or anything, really] but actually saying. physically verbalising what I want? yeah.....that's. where i get uncomfortable. though. that's how i am in general.

and part of that is I don't know untill we do something and then, oh I love when......or oh wow ok that was a little weird. When I'm being intimate with someone I always gauge my reaction, to see if I like what they're doing or not.

So, here's my current question. What's the scientific reasoning behind why certain scents turn us on more than others? Is it a mixchemical thing? As in, does it work the same way aphrodesiacs do?

for me it's cherry blossom and jasmine'

'oh god.

and.......here we go.

I'm watching The Doctors right now. it's about addiction.

It reminds me of my friend Kate, the one from a few years ago who led that crazy life. she was one of the funniest people I'd ever talked to. but also. selfish.

she was an addict...........drinking, drugs.

and one day I realised. ya know what I can't anymore. I couldn't help her. if I did I wouldn't get anywhere in my recovery.

We haven't talked in 2 years.

I still want to help her. and I wish her the best. but I.......can't.

Addictions are horrible.

Eating disorders are actually very easy to hide if you live as isolated a life as I do. At the store no one really notices what you buy or don't buy. if you don't buy food they don'treally say anything. ya know.

going it alone is, well. lonely.obviously.

It's all so damn trivial. so damn simple. like, oh she could just eat. or, oh. she could just let people in. or, oh. she could just talk to her dad.

yeah I could. no like, I literally actually could. but I don't and the reason why, for the last example, is so damn ridiclous. i have ptsd but that doesn't mean I can't not talk to him. oh ,yeah, it's not that bad not that important that i was assaulted.

bad enough to make me not trust people.

Kevin's words still are in my mind. "trying to see how much you trust me which, apparently isn't very much. .........good reason not to".

damn right.

but more on that later.

When I was 17, I was really scared. hell I was scared Kate would end up pregnant and alone spending all her money on coke. where she got it i don't know. how she got it I don't know.

yeah, sure, you and anyone else can tell me over and over time and time again that it's not my fault. like because I was born "different", I somehow did something to make my younger sister do coke.

but untill I believe that myself sorry to be harsh.

it won't mean a damn thing.

When I was 17.

I was scared for Dad........because we were all isolated, seperated physically. you know. Mom was over here taking care of Dad...I was over here with my exboyfriend, who as we all know........later not 4 months into the relationship. assaulted me.

and Kate was over here doing coke. she drank too.

My ex to me was what coke was to her. yeah it's hell but. shit man it was fuking there.

when nothing and no one else was

I took so much from that girl. and I'd do anything to give it back to her. I haven't come to terms with the fact that uh. I didn't intentionally do anything.

no i was just born that's all I did.

because i need so much more explanation than most........and then where was she?

don't sit there and read this and then note me and tell me it's not my fault. that won't do a thing.

i want to know you get it.

I can't give it bacl to her and eventually I'll have to come to terms with that but untill that time comes.....

and now i do.

It was because. he spent more time drinking on the computer reading, what have you.....than he did with us.

but i've also pushed him away. so.

he wasn't even there for us physically.

Some days some moments Creep, by Radiohead, says it all. love that song.

you know the one

'i wish i was special........you're so fukin special,,,,,,,,'

but see that's just it. that's the thing. is I was special. and "they" didn't like me for that. no not one bit.

when you're disliked that much for being special. you don't want to be special. you don't want to be wonderful or sweet or beautiful. or lovley or innocent or. whatever.

no. you don't want to be anything. you.......you.........in fact. you want to be........

you know.

gone.

everyone loves you. but not them.

i might not ever get closure. but i'll never stop knowing I could.

thanks for reading'

'which happens a lot.

Please let me know. If I've written something and it's gotten you confused, or curious. or something.

[and this doesn't allow for notes because........?. there's really nothing to say to this entry] '

'18th

but that's the problem with expectations. if you learn not to ever expect anything at all.........ever. You won't ever be disappointed.

I was expecting an outpouring of support for that one entry i wrote, entitled 'i was ariel'.

but i don't want people who read this to go and note me now just because of that. no. don't suddenly change your mind.

seriously thinking of deleting this entry

but that's life. stuff happens.'

'So.

As previously mentioned I have OCD. Which for me means everything has to be arranged in place in a straight line right angle not askew.

ok i think you get it.

If the world's not arranged it......falls apart.

The, world? or my world? hm...

OCD's an anxiety disorder. I'd heard this often but it never really registered with me untill recently. As in, people with OCD arrange things in order to prevent anxiety.

The phrase

The phrase 'you don't have to do' whatever it is said person's doing, OCD related, is often heard. no. you don't understand. [well obviously. if something's not explained to you then no. you wouldn't understand it]. The 'have to' being the compulsion the 'C' in OCD.

[god i sound like a therapist]

For me, it's also a comfort thing, as are many things. If I'm having an. hm.......um.......'OCD moment' and I'm with someone or in a place I'm not entirely comfortable being then. I won't rearrange whatever it is.

see this is why working at the bookstore the summer I turned 18 was so perfect for me. cause I got paid to do something I already do. they actually wanted me to rearrange the. books. [probably so they wouldn't have to].

I bring this up because........last week [actually just a week from today, last thursday] my mom and I were at the office supply store. [we love it there]. everything's so perfectly organised. as is my place.

yeah it's a little weird

[this goes without saying........as usual. i don't want advice] '

'.......like the vitamins i'm supposed to take.

That's my favorite line of mine.

So, when I phoned her at 2:20 yesterday afternoon my mom asked me this. I phoned her, to return a call.

I told her 'yeah' because i'm so good at doing that.

well hm let's see.........I haven't eaten an actual meal in days weeks........I've been cutting more. dealing with 'what happened when i was little', as i still refer to it, depression and my sister's drug addiction.

yeah things are fine.

My mom won't push it and i know that. she clearly had at least a bit of an idea that things weren't ok but. she knows enough to leave it where. as. it is.'

'so the most recent entries regarding my sister's 2 year drug addiction might've been a little unclear.

So. To clarify.

She's not addicted now. but she was then.

it's now that i'm dealing with it'

'another entry about recovery,

i know this. each day i get closer and closer to eating but...........don't

or maybe the hunger's finally getting to me'

'thank you to a recent noter for helping me realise this. and giving me insight. [and for being realistic about the whole thing, as opposed to sympathetic. you understand more from realism than sympathy].

So. More on my sister's drug addiction.

Again. Telling me 'it's not anything you did' doesn't help.

as i've gone over.

[ya know.........i'm starting to get the feeling i 'should' talk to a therapist about this. i haven't been to therapy in years it's not my thing. i know this from experience].

However..........I realise that it's not just me. I mean, high school is hard. I don't ever want to tell someone in high school 'these are the best years of your life' because A; they're not and 2; I'm not going to lie to someone like that.

Ya know?

I wasn't the only factor in my sister's drug addiction

[again. she was addicted back in high school] '

'19th

um..............my mom and I went over to my grandparents, as usual. My grandmother was a little more talkative.

then we went over to my parents' neighbors who live across the way. I met, though not formally, Alexandra who's from Germany. she talks, a lot. it's. a bit much. She's nice. She kept referring to her husband as 'him'. As in, 'at his work they.....'.

Her house is big. open. cold. I'm a closed door person; at my parents' in high school my door was always closed. i don't trust people. [asevidenced by some of my most recent entries]. and I'm a private person.

I don't know if i've ever explaind why I don't let people [being my dad] in my room.

I was uncomfortable for thefirst few minutes. You know how it is.

I don't remember why my mom wanted to go over there.

it was nice that Alexandra talked thatmuch because then I didn't have to. we talked about art. she told me about this event called The March Of Artists? no that isn't right............um....I know it involves some famous paintings being hung, i assumed, in outdoors somewhere. and the public views these paintings which change every few minutes. I know this is vague and it's not on purpose. I really don't remember.

then we went over to theparents. I don't remember the reason behind this, either. Mom told Dad Alexandra needs help with talking to. the car people. Like.......from what I recall the neighbor's caralarm keeps going off at early morning hours and the neighbors aren't very pleasent.....so.........Dad apparently, is going to try and talk to them about this. he's a ref so he's used to doing this.

I liked Alexandra's house. there were some art pieces. On a shelf in her kitchen she hadan elephant her mom had gotten from India. And salt and pepper shakers with feet.

then we went to Whole Foods, where I had samples. chips and guaomole. and cheese. I got food.

it was really cold last Thursday'

'i've been dealing with a lot lately............depression/relapse/what happened when i was little/kate's addiction and........being sexually frustrated.'

'um. that'd be me. 1 - 10it's......a 6. yeah.

so apparently, I won't be having sex this weekend. Or, socialising, really. Kevin's busy.

I mean yeah it's disappointing but eh. life goes on.

yes i realise I could message some random dude and ask. but i don't do that. and i've gone over why.

Oh, about the guy that I was annoyed with because he was messaging me telling me how beautiful I was......I haven't heard from him. Either he just wanted sex or.........idinno. I'm honestly not that disappointed.

I'm a really cool chick. and I want people to be who they are in front of me. If you're a guy that's interested alrite, flattering. but don't let how attractive I am stop you from talking to me.

As for photobuket news...........well. apparently [yes again] I've reachedm y limit for uploading on my free acount. i hate it when they do that. and, right now I'm in the process of selecting art for something else. which I don't want to get too excitied about in case it doesn't work out [and i wonder why i'm depressed. no not really]. which is why i'm being vague.

so.'

'So recently, within the past week [as in, Wed./yesterday] Kate's phoned our parents telling them how angry she is with them. Yesterday when asked by Mom if I'd heard from Kate I told her no then asked if she had, to keep the conversation going. She said she had I asked how it went and that's how I found out. then I discontinued that, so I wouldn't be pushing it.

well. i also told Mom she'd always been very present in our lives. I'm more of a listener, a relater than anything else. I'll sit there and listen and give you my input. what you decide to do about a situation is entirely your choice. If you ask my opinion I'll give it.

Kate has a right to be angry with Dad we both do. she just lets it be known. I don't. She has absolutely no problem doing that anyway. He at a time wouldn't pay for her schooling..........whereas he has mine. just like my grandmother wouldn't get out of bed for Kate and she did me. that's not flattering hell no. that's. unfair and hurtful. and honestly kindof insulting.

This is my sister we're talking about. no, ok? I don't care who you are.

Kate and I were talking about Dad on my last day in New York in June [2010] and she says something to the effect of what about our relationship 10 years down the line? as in, when he gets older. um........like........will I change things then?

[let me try and explain this better........er........ok........he and I clearly don't have a good relationship right now. so 10 yrs down the road will I change that, since he'll be closer to the end. was her point.]

well. I don't think that far into the future. I mean I can I just. don't. [ha story of my life right there].

So yesterday while over at the parents' - I needed to get wrapping paper - right before Dad left to go downtown to talk to the people at his mom's apt. [as usual. more on this later] he reminded me twice that they [him and Mom] had Scotch tape. and I told him "if I need some. I'll ask". you can't make up for not being there by giving me stuff.

and i never wanted him to

no i want him to fukin give me..........you know. but since i push him away it won't happen.

Y'know.........and i've never told anyone this nor written it untill now.........- but when I was moving back from FL I'd envisioned us packing up my CDs, and he'd come across like, Hendrix or the Beatles or Sinatra and say something like, 'hey I didn't know you liked....' said musician. santanna.......bob dylan.........miles davis.

which. didn't happen. actually the packing didn't go that well. i was having my period, moving due to exentuating circumstances, so. that was the last fight we had.

i was very upset.

um............had my dad been there maybe i wouldn't've been assaulted. maybe.........he'd actually be protective. You know, like all those dads you see in the movies and on tv. No my dad didn't do that.

if he'd fukin been there.....i wouldn't've had to protect Kate from Mom. well he sure as hell wasn't going to we all know that. I don't care if he's scared. er. was. scared. at the time. you don't think i wasn't?

for the love of god. grow a pair. [yes i went there. pardon the vulgarity].

I know I know. we're supposed to "accept" our parents as they are. i have a hard time doing so and i think we all know why.

it's like, 'oh he can't help that he has Asperger's'. which yes ok i get.

but there are some. he can help.

[i should talk].

i love him I do, really. [well no one's protesting here]. i just.........it hurts.

[again i'm getting the feeling here i 'should' talk to a therapist about this. been there done that advice not wanted].

and my original point here was...........?..........

That...........Kate's feelings are valid. [about time i got to it].

I've never been one to make waves. esp. not now oh no. I'm the nice one the peacemaker. yeah. it's a bitch. but it's life. If the world'd change I wouldn't have to make up for it by being so. You know. I make people's day easier, and always have. [well ok not like literally always].

we can worry about me later.

[yes so ok maybe i don't actually "have" to].

which makes me wonder........how much of this is genuine and how much because of my environment...

I think that's another reason why I like Joan Jett and taking photos of cigerette boxes. because both represent the rebellion. that day when some people wake up and go 'fuk. you.' to the world. and argue with people. make a scene......waves, even. whatever.

it's an extension of myself i could never show let be known. can'twon'tdon't.

yeah i could but i won't. that's. really all there is to it. [again. no advice please]. '

'20th

entry.

Y'know........in America it's assumed that if your parents are together/live together then you're fine. and that's not always true. Like, if you come to school [not that i'm currently in school but, you know. as an example] without cuts or bruises or any other physical signs then. you're fine.

emotional trauma isn't as apparent

i hate that

He thinks he can make up for pissing Kate off by being nice to me. like that somehow doesn't matter. 'hey maybe Anne'll talk to me'. sure yeah I'll talk to him but that's it. i'll also keep him at a distance. I'll be polite and cordial.

that's not the way it works

He rang yesterday morning, 10 to 8. I answer, vaguely recognising the number [my new phone still doesn't have all the numbers even though it's got most],and he goes 'hi Kate this is Dad'. 'this is Anne'. he asks me how things are i tell him fine. then tells me it was nice seeing me and that i can come by [their place] any time.

Um. yeah but I won't. and don't as i really don't like it. there.

wow............then proceeds to tell me he's going to call Kate about her cello. [oh. yeah. back in middle school she played and wants to start up again]. yeah good luck with that given how angry she is with him.

See I don't do that. not that I make people angry. well. i mean i try not to. but if I know it's someone's birthday or I'm seeing them for the holidays or. some.thing. I won't make them angry.'

'began Michael's FB message regarding explanations.

yes. i'm here. again. if you're tired of it then. you know. don't read.

sorry. or......not? i'm just tired right now. [you would be too had you been up since 1:26 a.m. and it's now 8.....something a.m. i have got to stop waking up at these ungodly hours]. and hungry. and emotional.

yeah ok so. he gets that he owes me an explanation. about damn time too. i'm not going to focus on the fact that he's given me one. [not, as in it's already been decided. as in, i'm not that kindof person. and i again wonder why i'm depressed. no actually not really].

And yes. ok. i get, that he wants to respect confidentiality. i'm all for that.

But, again. the issue is that they didn't have the balls to come and message me about this. I am not a scary person. I don't even look scary. i'm 5'4 and petite whatdoyouthink.

[the answer to the rhetorical question should be obvious]

If you have an issue with me and I consider you a friend, then come talk to me about it. or. message me. don't be rude just explain yourself and your feelings and what you need from me. or. um. don't need. space, for instance. I'm a pretty reasonable person.

Yes I was selfish and for that I've apologised to him. but cmon really? that's what you're getting hung up on? good lord. it's not like i'm a murderer. or. a prostitute.

[although.........with my sex drive.......... damnitsex! no no i'm kidding this is a joke people. i wouldn't. to clarify. i'm not going to go up to colfax and um. whore myself. don't read too much into that joke].

But, again. the issue is that they didn't have the balls to come and message me about this. I am not a scary person. I don't even look scary. i'm 5'4 and petite whatdoyouthink.

[the answer to the rhetorical question should be obvious]

Yes I was selfish and for that I've apologised to him. but cmon really? that's what you're getting hung up on? good lord. it's not like i'm a murderer. or. a prostitute.

I'm selfish? what about drug addicts? they're a lot more selfish than I am. [that. was really my only point there].

I have a feeling that the message isn't something I want to further read. I know it has specifics for what i had/hadn't done.

There's not much more I can do, really. and i can't accept that [if i haven't yet made that apparent by now]. and yeah. i wish there was.

hell yes I have a hard time letting go of people.

Look.

I'm the kindof person who makes a close friend like once every 2 - 5 years. I get lonely. i have depression. And everyone'll agree that studies have shown that the more you socialise the less depressed you are. which means, less cutting, relapses, etc.

yeah clearly, a good thing.

so if you're someone i consider a close friend and then you decide to basically fuk me over, then. you better understand what that's going to do to me beforehand.

you can take me or leave me. but before you decide to leave me. you better understand what you're missin out on.

i don't hate men. oh no. i'm just hurt. and yeah a little sexist.

i mean....yall are fun to flirt with.

and don't sit there and read this and think 'i'd never do that he was an ass'. yeah no kidding. i won't believe you. and it's not a personal thing. it's just........everyone lies. haven't you ever seen that m&ms commercial? it melts in your mouth not in your hand.

uh huh

sorry i was such a bitch

no james brown. this is not. a man's world.

'i hate myself for loving you' - joan jett

[this doesn't allow for notes because. i simply don't want any] '

'wrote this today. didn't come out the way i'd originally planned. inspired by the film For Colored Girls.

Its just a whisper just a fuking whisper

You can deal with you’ve dealt with much worse

It doesn’t even deserve to be talked about because. It’s not physical. Because if you have both parents you’re fine.

Because we’re fuked up in our thinking.

It’s just a whisper

Its not

That

Bad.

Losing 2 pounds

Soon a whisper becomes a scream

It’s been a whisper my whole life yours hers

People barely hear whispers and sometimes they don’t even hear screams

It’s just a whisper she thinks as she rearranges her elbows so they’re not touching her hip bones.

Just a whisper.

Sitting with her shoulder pressed against the bus

Seat

Bench

Instead of her back

No one sees you but you see everyone and you always have.

Sex it’s not just sex

Sex is rooted somewhere like everything

Like cuts drinking drugs addictions

Nothing’s ever that simple

For now it’s just a whisper it’s not full blown you can handle it

The pain is 4 on the scale

And yet the anxiety proceeds.

The body’s whispering not yet screaming so we don’t need to listen.

But maybe we do so the whisper doesn’t become a scream so the pain doesn’t get that bad so the body

Can live and breath and death.

It’s just a whisper fuk you and the horse you rode in on

Just a whisper in her pain and passion and power

Alliteration.

Things are funny according to dry senses of humour

If you have one they are.

And violence wouldn’t be here

It was never like that it was never that big

Never that…..no it was. Never. That.

Cuz you look at me and you watch the way I walk and you want me cuz you’re a man and you know what you want

You wanna fuk me

No.

You don’t own the world you don’t own me

Women realized this in the 1960s

Where the hell have you been.

You want me cuz I’m cute or beautiful or sexy

Cuz you’re a man.

And that’s why women band together.

The color purple connection.

Being meaning

That

[elaboration needed. access: denied]

Her favorite color. when she was little she did a report on alice walker who wrote the play the color purple in which

A character was sexually assaulted

It’s never someone we don’t know.

It’s always been just

A whisper'

'21st

I think I've been scared into eating. Now, granted [there's a word i've never used before in this context] I'm probably overthinking this. I know I know [no, really?]

They say fear's a bigger motivator than........whatever the other thing is. was.

So here's why. Last night while in the bathroom my left side began to hurt. a 6. and I have a high pain tolerance so if I'm saying something hurts then. um. yeah.

As my dentist pointed out while I was having one of my fillings done, why would people lie about pain? if you're in pain. then. you know. you're in pain.

So I thought to myself, well ok we know it's not my liver [which I found the first time I drank by myself] or my kidneys. yes that's helpful.

went back to my computer and looked it up. And......discovered something. [oh yay i just love learning. ido, actually]. that's where your spleen is. I also now know what the spleen does.

I haven't had pain like that since college.

Whenever I moved it hurt more. so I moved slowly. The pain went away [thank god].

I still don't know what happened or why. but..........well. My point here is, I learned something and at least those of you who read this will be glad to know I'll be eating. a bit. more.

Oh!

I've also theorized that people with eating disorders have a lower body temp. than those that don't. and no this wasn't apparent to me untill last night. Which, along with not having enough muscle mass to stay warm for long periods of. uh......time, is why we're always cold.'

'22nd

not much, actually. More than usual.

Saturday I went to the mall and saw For Colored Girls. it was good, interesting, simplistic, dramatic, triggering and angsty. a lot like Spring Awakening in that way. love that show. i loved the poetry in the movie. i was trying to dissect it.

I missed the abortion scene. I've gathered that the girl had an abortion and then was brought to the hospital. what happened in between? to the girl, that is.

At the mall I had a sample of this cranberry bliss bar from Starbucks. i didn't like it.

So then yesterday I stayed home got a bit of writing done, holiday poetry. it was a boring day.'

'so this happened over the weekend.

I had a dream. In it, my mom, sister, Stevie [the dog] and I were in the kitchen of the parents'. And apparently someone had come in to the house and taken Mom's porcelain clown. Which is really weird, because Mom doesn't have a clown, porcelain or otherwise. She's not the type to collect. She's utilitarian, practical. So I'd told her that Stevie and I'd tried to stay up [since evidently in the dream I was sleeping] so that whoever it was didn't take the clown. The clown's name was Lila. or, Jack? it was male.

My grandmother has a cousin named Lila.

yeah. it was weird.'

'23rd

it'll be the 1 year "anniversary" of when he - Jacob - broke up with me.

This is why I'll be putting off being in a relationship. Before, it was.........whatever happens, happens. let the chips fall where and as they may.

And now.........for the next few days. well like I said.'

'this'll be short.

As a photographer..........sometimes. I don't want the perfect picture. I don't want people to pose.

I remember, a photo I took of my sister last year around her birthday [I realise if you can't see it it doesn't help]. I asked her, 'ok where's your favorite place in the house?" to which she replied "with Stevie". [the dog]. So in the photo she's sitting on the living room floor next to the dog with her arms around him.

I know, that often times when photos are being taken people think you don't wnt them to be in a photo. Sometimes I actually prefer that.

Last week I was currently going through my photos for an art thing. I decided I didn't want what I'd call 'postcard photos'. pretty self-explanatory but....I don't want the kind of photos you'd find on postcards.

I guess maybe it's my whole......making people comfortable. thing. You don't have to pose [perfectly] just. be who you are.

And when I take the photos they're for me. and therefore I can decide.......whether I want posing or not.

I like photography [so much for this being short] because it's easy when so many things haven't been. actually. most things. And. if I'm having a bad day or i'm depressed or what have you. I can make something beautiful or interesting or cool out of it. even if I don't feel that way.'

'24th

not that I'm old. I'm 23 and have the skin of Grace Kelly.......I swear, the next person who tells me I look 'so young'.....I don't tell you you look old do I? no. but, y'know. maybe I should just to balance things out.........no I wouldn't because I'm a lady.

[yes there's an actual point to this entry]

Anyway.

In middle school, 10 yrs ago we felt like we had to prove things. Like, the girls subconsciously felt like we had to prove we were pretty or hot or. whatever. There was that one group of girls who we all wanted to be. You know the type. It was all so stupid. and now? Those things don't even matter. it took me untill college to look in the mirror and go 'wow. i am really pretty'. For me, the best thing about being in your 20's is that you know more of who you are. i'm slowly learning to love myself.

Even looking at photos of myself in high school and college, wow. i'm really pretty.

My sister always thought I was the pretty one. Which is sweet. and sad. Up untill she had her surgery back in May she never felt pretty.

Of course. there's a lot more to being pretty than just how you look.

My dad's mom had him when she was 26. that's. a bit young to have children and only 3 years older than I am now. 30's seems like a good time to have kids. 40 is beginning to seem 'old' to me. [no offence to anyone who is 40. just my opinion].

I remember my grandmother once asked me what age I thought of as 'old'.

I'm not afraid of dying; I just don't want to get old.

Well we can't help that now can we? no.

it's going to happen whether we want it to or not.

mainly for vanity reasons, which sounds incredibly shallow. and stupid. My sister theorizes that.....maybe people aren't actually meant to live past a certain age. because once you get to that age you notice it. Your body does.

Apparently according to everyone else I have this 'great memory'. I don't think I do because I'm so used to it. everyone's like 'how can you remember that?'. well how can you not.

and no this isn't an actual question. [please don't read too muh into it].

When I reminded my dad their anniversary was coming up he goes "yeah Anne says our anniversary's coming up" or something along those lines. and he's married to the woman [my mom]. that's really kinda sad.

and i don't want to lose that'

'Sometimes. I feel so much olderthan just 23. This is partially due to my eating disorder.

And. I'm not a partier. I don't go bar hopping every night. I actually never have. I've only been drunk once and I don't drink that often.

But also, according to my mom, I have classic taste. and I do. With my liking of '40's music and the golden age of Hollywood movies. they don't make them like that anymore.......no they most certainly don't.

It's weird being classic in a modern world.

I'm quiet......untill you get to know me. and then I never shut up. as evidenced by my entries.

I'd rather spend time at my place, reading or watching tv or or listening to music. or writing. or cuddling - yay cuddling! - than out on the town, dancing or drinking. I love dancing.

I don't really act like I'm 23 sometimes.

but I'm also cute and fun and silly

Also, there's just something about the cold that makes you want to stay inside.'

'I had a Starbucks day. which pretyt much meansgoing to Starbucks. yeah it's pretty basic.

Around 1 I went out.

It was sunny but cold. I wasn't wearing my hat because it's. like. kindof literally bent out of shape. it's a blue wool beret. it's not as stretchy anymore.

So at Safeway I bought tea. and carrots. and uh. a Hershey's bar. then went to the Starbucks that's there. they'd changed the menu. I got a peppermint brownie and chai latte. yum. they have polar bear cookie swhich led me to think of my mom's not liking chocolate Santas, as they represent cannabalism.

it was nice being out.

then i came home and watched tv

and that was pretty much it'

'26th

so here's what I did Tuesday.

Um.

............

Oh, I went to the store. and Chipotle. It was a nice day. the clerk was good-looking. Again, I was taken aback bythis. I ordered my usual. When I was at the soda fountain a cute guy came over to refill his cup. I didn't say anything, of course as I'm shy. but, it was nice that I saw someone attractive. as it usually is.

so then I came home and watched tv. Glee was so so good. I love Carol Burnett. she's sunny. there's something very Judy Garland about her. I cried. I love weddings. it was the best wedding I've 'been to' in a long time The part where Finn and Kurt danced really broke the barrier. The barrier between...........the.....homosexual world and the straight world, i guess.

then I watched Raising Hope. i really

then I watched Raising Hope. i really like that show. it's funny but not in such an obvious way. I've noticed that, the newer sitcoms don't have laugh tracks. which yes, are annoying but that way you don't feel weird when you're the only one laughing.'

'28th

even though yes, it's Sunday night. 10 to 5.

So............that afternoon my parents picked me up and we went to my mom's parents, While they set up the table for Thanksgiving I gave my grandmother food. i was nervous about it but............eh. idinno. it went well.

We talked, about her blanket, the weather and what thanksgivings were like when she was growing up. she said they [her family] always had pumpkin pie but she can't remember if they had turkey.

Mom called me into the living room area to help set up the napkins which she did most of. We [my parents and i] discussed the wheelchair my grandfather made for her. it's an office chair which he attached - i think - the footstool to. We were discussing how to fit it under the table. My mom was saying that people's legs would be in the way of it. Dad said he didn't mind having his legs be in the way. I was going to say that other people do. but then Mom said that my grandfather would have to be by her, so. i guess they got that worked out.

So after, we went to the senior citizens rehab center Dad's mom's at. er, where she is, rather. They didn't have room for her at Park Place, where she's resided since she moved. Oh she was in the hospital last week [week before thanksgiving week. i guess that'd be 2 weeks ago]. they [the hospital staff] think she might've had a mini stroke but we're not really sure what happened. Mom told me that.

but she seemed ok.

I read Kate's card to her. she liked it. My grandmother made a really off - what i guess she thougt was a - joke. After I read the part about Kate's dog she says something to the effect of 'well she could put him in the cello case' to bring home on the place. that's just. really weird. i hate when senior citizens think something's funny and then theyexpect you too. it was really off. since she's a senior citizen i'm not supposed to say anything, just like i haven't been when she's been mean to my mom. i don't think she said that intentionally.

but, whatever. life goes on.

So.......I was re-introduced to Peggy [one of John's daughters, of..........4. John's my grandmother's husband] and her husband Frank, who was very nice. they and John left. I didn't realise John was leaving untill he started walking out of the room. this was before I read the card.

so then I went back to my place and called Kate, again. The news from her end is...........that. Her dog's crazier than usual, her hair's now orange, her new favorite movie is Shrek and she wants to get back into playing cello again, which she played in middle school. Yeah apparently dogs get crazier in winter. I'd think it'd be the spring, since that's when animals are mating.

Oh, about 2 weeks ago she dyed her hair red but no one liked it so she wants to dye it blonde which you apparently can't do so now it's orange. i don't know why you can't do that. [i'm not asking. i'm stating]. she's dyed it blonde, black/dark brown and blue. it's originally light brown, like mine.

Mom was bringing the cello up to the city for Kate. it's cheaper for Mom to bring it on the plane than for Kate to get a new one in the city.

so that was my Wednesday'

'29th

So.........on Thanksgiving I really didn't do much. I watched the parade, liked it. and the dog show. I learned so much from the dog show. I like John O'Hurley. he has a great voice.

That night, I ate mashed potatos. watched the People Of The Year. and the Taylor Swift concert. i really like her. she seems.....real. like someone you'd want to look up in the phone book, or ask to go for coffee. she's sweet.

Melissa Etheridge is the same way. oh god she is just so. wicked cool. she's......she's amazing.

oh and in between I watched part of Miracle On 34th St. I'm pretty sure I've seen that before. I went to the store, breaking my rule not to go out on the holidays.

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nothispenelope

Nov.: Ebt mamma mia triggers dates sex trust relapse anxiety music readiing my sister ocd thanksgiving in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.

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