Speaking in code. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I’ve been teaching myself to code for the last eight months or so, through websites online, and getting a fairly decent grasp on the core concepts.

This last Tuesday I just started the first day of the full stack development coding bootcamp at UCI. I love saying that it’s at UCI, it makes me feel fancy as shit.
So far I have been feeling pretty competent, but we’re also only a week in and we’ve only had three days of class (10 hours in total), but it’s cool, I have this dude who will only sit next to me and he asks me questions all the time, and I actually know the answers, and it makes me feel pretty damn good about myself…especially because before this bootcamp started I felt like I wasn’t really grasping these concepts as well as I thought I should have been, but I’m flying through all of the projects that they’ve given us so far, including the pre-work they gave us before the course even officially started.

I’m waiting though, it’s going to happen any day now, I’m going to find myself completely lost and I won’t have any idea what’s going on…but I’m ready for those days. I already know there are going to be moments where I want to give up and moments where I’m absolutely positive I can’t do it…but since I already know that those moments are going to come, I’ve already rolled them all up into the experience and I’m ready for them because I have already seen the other side so many god damn times.

I also know that at some point my depression is going to hit me hard…I also know that within this six month span I’m going to have a hypo-manic episode that will be controlled by my meds, but not completely and I risk going through more dis-associative episodes and having a full blown freak out…

…but again, I’m counting on that shit to happen, and I’ve already seen myself getting through it.

Anyway, my brain feels like it’s melting most of the time…it’s a lot of information to take in, and I’ve already learned so much.

I honestly just hope that at the end of all of this I can get a cat.
Like, literally the only reason I want a high paying job is so I can get my own apartment.
The only reason I want my own apartment is so I can get a cat.
This all comes down to having a cat.
Isn’t that what most things really come down to though?

We all just want a cat.

man.

…

I’ve been drawing again and it’s really nice.
So far, everything I have done lately has been extremely minimalist…I’m literally just drawing a few lines here and there, enough to represent an idea, no shading and no dimension to any of it, just a collection of loose fitting lines.
It feels so counter intuitive to me. Like, everything in my mind and body is screaming to take up more of the page, to fill more space with more lines, busy busy busy, it’s not art if you don’t spend a lot of time on it.

But I fight those urges and I leave it bare and there’s so much white space and I think I kind of love it.

Plus, I can do them extremely fast.

…

Ever since I’ve changed up my medication my dreams have been extremely vivid, extremely long too. Last night in my dream, I was in this alleyway and there were two beautiful women dressed up in fishnets and boots and I stopped and asked them “Do you ladies work at some awesome place around here?” And they were like, yeah! Right here, this is Angry Huka!

But then some guy came and started 20 questioning me and I never got to go into Angry Huka.

All day I’ve been lamenting that fact.

I just wish Angry Huka was real and I wish I could go there.

The way my dreams are, though, I’ll probably be back there tonight. I never did meet up with my friend who I was looking for in last nights dream, and my dreams tend to pick up somewhere around where they left off.

Maybe I’ll find Evan and take him to Angry Huka tonight.

Yeah.
Maybe I’ll do that.

Oh, I also looked up a bunch of spells to summon a succubus today.
I need five black candles, some white string, and something to draw my own blood with, the whole procedure seems simple enough.
I think having a demon girlfriend sounds rad…better than my exes, that’s for sure.
I feel like best case scenario if I do this ritual is that I’ll get a super dope demon girlfriend who basically only comes at night and who will literally fuck me to death, which if we’re going to die, let’s be honest, that’s the way to go.
Worst case scenario? My finger kind of hurts because I had to get some blood.

Oh, also, when you die you and your succubus are totally still homies, she’s all like “We made a blood pact!”

…I guess I don’t really know why demons care that much about blood…maybe it’s like how sharks can smell blood in the water, demons just kind of come running if they smell it?

I don’t know, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a demon.

…

Anyway, I should probably go to Angry Huka now.
It’s time, I’m getting sleepy.
Goodnight
I love you.

-Dane