Thursday and Chores in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I knew I couldn’t just sleep and live like I wanted to. I knew that at some point, I would have to rejoin the world with alarm clocks and the like but (partially because of me, partially because of my therapist) I was really hoping I could get through Week 1 without an alarm clock. That is not the case.

My alarm was blaring at 8 a.m. (so still a pretty good sleep in considering some people’s work hours) in order to remind me that I have chores. Empty the dishwasher, fill dishwasher, vacuum the apartment, scrub the kitchen counters, do laundry, go food shopping, finalize the Insurance Paperwork. It isn’t a terribly lot to do but… between the To Do Chores list Wife wrote for me and dealing with her this week? My eye twitch is back. The one I was really hoping was related to the stress from a toxic work environment that I was free of the last 5 days? Yeah, it came back.

I will not blame all of my problems on my wife. I made choices and decisions that led me to specific points and that is on me. But the truth is? For the last 7 years… I’ve been trying to be The Good Husband. I’ve been trying to please her, I’ve been trying to work my life around her issues… hell, for the last 3 years, it seems like that has mostly been what I’ve done. Move from Nebraska to Tiny Town in part because Wife wants to leave Wal Mart. She doesn’t leave Wal Mart because Tiny Town “is an awful place”. Move from Tiny Town back “home” in part because Wife wanted to go to A Big City where she could likely leave Wal Mart and find a lab job. A year after the move, she’s still working at Wal Mart and I can’t put up with working for unethical people anymore. No sooner had we discussed and agreed that I should do what was in my best interest, and she gets a job in a lab and can leave Wal Mart. On the surface… hooray. Good news for everyone there. After three years of constantly saying “We need to move so I can stop working at Wal Mart and find a lab job” she finally finds a lab job!
Except you know how that has worked out. It has become inescapably obvious to me that Wife is simply a person who literally cannot be happy. A person who, as a practical concept, cannot function. Last night she was complaining because of everything (like usual) and I just said, “Most of what you’re discussing is called Being an Adult. You turn 38 in June, it is about time you tried it out.” She thought for a moment and said, “But I’ve avoided being an adult for so long. What if it’s too hard?”

I am repressing my own shudders throughout. Because she isn’t saying it in a cute or playful way. She is genuinely curious as to know what she can do if she can’t get being an adult. Like there are options. It may be the cruelest thing I’ve ever thought but it ran through my head: You are not attractive enough nor nice enough to be a trophy wife. I don’t think that is what she wants but… a person that doesn’t want to be an adult doesn’t have many other options beyond that. And if she is going to drain all of my energy by being her free therapist… and if she is going to put nothing forward herself? I can’t exactly go be a massive bread winner. Multi-millionaires don’t get that way in spite of situations like this. If what I wanted was to do nothing more than make money? I would have bailed on this marriage a long time ago. Hell, there was an emergency opening for an experienced Assistant County Attorney (with benefits and starting pay north of 60k) and Wife told me not to apply because it would mean she would be taken away from her therapist. And yes, I want her to continue going to therapy… but I want therapy to “fix” her. No, I don’t mean “make her the perfect wife” but I mean… I want her therapy to result in the following:
(1) I would like to go a full week where Wife doesn’t break down crying about how much she hates her life. She did this while working for Wal Mart, she’s doing that now.
(2) I would like Wife to actively engage in her life instead of being a passive participant and critic. She came home last night stating “Time at home is never long enough.” Then sat on the couch watching TV all night. Then when it was time to go to bed, she said “This is what I’m talking about. There’s never any time to get anything done.” No. When your coping mechanism is to refuse to deal with anything so you go to a zombie-like stupor where you watch television for hours at a time, then no… things don’t get done.
(3) If at all possible, I would like Wife to get over herself. That sounds harsh but after living with it for 7 years? Her self-focused, self-centered, self-obsessed behavior just really gets to me. It would be one thing if I were just acting like some horny guy and thinking “Yeah, she’s so self-focused I can’t even get my dick wet more than once every few months” but that isn’t what I’m saying. I’m saying “Yeah, she’s so self-focused that I could get a part time job and, provided it didn’t interfere with my taking care of her, she’d never notice.”
(4) This one she needs more than anything else: I would like her to not always select negativity and despair. Do you know how taxing that is to be around? I mean, I can appreciate seeing the bad in the world and understanding the negative. But to chose that and to repeatedly chose to do nothing about it other than complain? My. God. There are more than 3 emotions in this world. Sorrow, Rage, and Panic are not the only emotions that exist. It would be good to see more than those three engaged.

So that is the stress weighing on my heart today. In the midst of trying to get my life sorted, clear my head and begin marching towards Health and Happiness… I have the Missus and her constant “Melancholy Me” show droning on and on. Here are some google image searched smiles just because I could sure stand to see a lot more of these.













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