Sept.: Relationships family filling depression relapse in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 5, 2014, 8:01 a.m.
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- Public
'21st
hey I'm back. not that I really. er. went anywhere.
Wellm to my parents to check my email as my computer'd crashed......but it's now up and running. My dad, who didn't know what to do to fix it [the parents were in Egypt untill a week ago], accidentally wiped out the hard drive deleting everything. And yet, for some reason, I'm completely understanding about it.
I backed up my stuff in April so, while I made revisions to documents I have the originals saved. And all the music that was on my computer is from CDs which I've kept...........same w/ memory cards. so.
see? it pays to keep things.
hm........in other news.............
my sister and her dog went swimming. They watched Marmaduke together. cute movie.
While she and Evan were in Georgia - he has family there - she got stung by a jellyfish. she's ok now.
Stevie, the parents' dog, has white [er. his fur's turning white] on his face. And apparently, according to my mom, he's vicious.
I've seen Ramona, Eat Pray Love, which I liked. oh and The Runaways. I was slightly intoxicated at the time so I only saw half of it.
I've realised. you don't drink raspberry vodka straight up. [Well, I don't]. It smells a lot better than it tastes. I mix it w/ cranberry juice.
While my parents were out of town, my uncle Ty and I talked for a bit. He's a nice guy just. a bit much. He lives in CA, and teaches biology. He lives in Kenya each year for about a month, I think.
So apparently, my dad's stepmother Anitta [my dad's mom Carol and his dad divorced when my dad was little. Truman, my grandfather who died in April/Carol's husband, remarried. Anitta] her basement flooded. And this really beautiful architectural drawing by my dad's great grandfather was near ruined. My dad and Ty have been helping Anitta clean out her basement.
In Egypt, my dad got sick. He's better now.........he wants to self publish his book on Swiss Army knives. Since it didn't work out between him and the previous publisher. He's thinking of selling it at REI, 'the perfect place'. so he's busy with that.
Speaking of sick I was last........Thursday. like, to my stomach. Which is weird, because other than with the exception of relapses and my period, I never get sick. neither does my dad. god it was awful. I don't know what I got sick from. I like taking care of people and I like being taken care of. unless. it's by my parents. then I don't. the loneliness makes it suck more, when you're sick.
oh got my period last week, thank god.
been collaging more...........um...........oh. and I've been going to a karaoke bar Wednesdays. it's fun. Last week I totally rocked Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful'. I really believe [in] that song......yes ok I forgot some of the lyrics. but I was passionate and had this........this.....energy. the whole point of karaoke is to have fun.
i've needed that song lately.
i've found, I do really well with bluesy songs. my er, 'inspiration' if you will, is Eva Cassidy.
oh and a guy bought me a drink, which is flattering. cmon i'm cute.
oh I got a new discounted bus pass and the EBT money amount has changed. I look cute in the picture.
and........hm.......I'm apparently having a filling Thursday morning, which I'm nervous about. The dentist said it'll only take an hour I'll be under anasteshia. which I don't do well with. I also. don't complain.'
'22nd
......nothing/'should i go on or should i keep on chasing pavemts?' - Adele.
I really have got to stop dating unavailable men. Actually. Come to think of it most of the men I've "dated" have been unavailable. Except for......hm, 2.
Jacob and I talked more than Bryan and I do and that was long distance! Which. is kindof sad.
I haven't had sex in an exact month. I didn't realise how long a time that was untill the morning I had sex. Which means, Bryan and I haven't seen each other in a month.
Isn't the whole point of dating someone to. you know. actually be with them?
After watching an episode of 'The Real Housewives Of OC' I came to a realisation: maybe part of the reason I'm with Bryan is to have a man in my life. Since my dad...........well. you know.
Every girl probably thinks that the first day or so of a relationship.....that she has the best boyfriend.
Bryan's not. but you know no one's perfect everyone has things upon which to improve.
On the other side of that he's also not the worst. He treats me well. when we had sex it was because we both wanted to.
However. The whole lack of sex is. saving me money. If I'm not having sex then I don't have to buy birth control.
It's not like I love the guy. I don't, and that's being honest.
He has school and work and he has to sleep at some point. He works at Coors apparently in the canning industry.
Which I get I do. but.............ya know, really? is it really a relationship if we haven't seen each other in a month?
I'm probably reading too much into it w/ that question. It's just casual.
Since this is the one place where, for the most part, I'm honest/frank I'll be. Yes. I've wanted to date someone else. Someone who's actually available. Which might be a hard thing to come by given most people in their 20's go to school/work.
Also. That person might not treat me well.
So.
Bryan and I haven't had that conversation. A; as said, we've not seen each other and. we didn't exactly sit down and talk about sex, either. it was basically "ok well why the hell not?".
At what point in the relationship "should" you have the let's-see-other-people conversation? or is that only for serious relationships?
but it's not just about me. I really care about him and like him and he's. definately one of the coolest people I've ever met. and.........so me being me I don't wantto hurt him.
As the title states: I don't know what to do about this so I'll do nothing.
[as usual. this doesn't allow for notes because...........?..........] '
'23rd
So as you all know, later today [6:10 a.m. atm] I'm having a filling. The only 2 things I know about it is that I'll be under general anasteshia - not sure whether it's general or local, don't remember the difference between the 2 - and it'll take an hour, which isn't long.
So I Wikipedia-ed it, and apparently what they do is they cut the tooth [oh god] and then fill it with. something. hence the name 'filling'. [a very literal term].
Do they usually tell you what happens before you go in for a filling?
Theyreally didn't give me much info. Which really bothers me. Whereas with a cleaning yes I might be nervous but I know what to expect.
The less info we have the more unsure we are. I.e., a car accident. If someone we know was in one and that's all we know then we start thinking of all the 'what ifs', the possibilities.
[I might allow for notes later.......this doesn't allow for them because........?] '
'I really like that song. 'As Time Goes By'.
So, this morning my mom and I went and picked up my grandparents. We got my grandmother - well. Bob [my grandfather] and Jean, the nurse - into the back. Bob sat next to her.
We went and drove by some flowers. A park near downtown - which apparently used to be an amusement park but is now a flower park - and Wash Park. It was really nice. But also sad. I was reminded of that scene from the movie My Sister's Keeper, where they go to the beach.
Like.......yes it's a beautiful day and the flowers are pretty/colorful but behind all that. we all know my grandmother's dying/in hospice and she has been for over a year.
When we were driving back she got sick. it was embarassing. I feel weird admitting that becuase it absolutely shouldn't be. Everyone gets sick. I think part of it is that when people get sick I'm unsure what to do. My mom and grandfather took care of it.
I, as stated, love Wash Park. one of my
I, as stated, love Wash Park. one of my favorite trees is there. I'm so........i don't know. rooted, i guess there. It's right across the street from where I went to high school, so it holds a lot of emotions. love, happiness, sad. loneliness/sucky days. safety, protection. The park's so versatile; you can go there with anyone. Children/babies, significant others, your parents, friends, siblings.......etc.
thanks for reading/letting me vent.'
'24th
- Little Shop Of Horrors.
weird movie.
So I had a filling yesterday morning. My first one. [that sounds exciting]. It went well.
The dentist's room was very cold, which added to my anxiety. Part of that was I'm nervous about going to the bar - for karaoke - next week because of what happened er 2....weeks ago. [which wasn't bad, it was just off]. But I emailed an acquintance [who. I hope'll become a friend] and asked him if he wanted to go w/ me next week, so. ].
Oh. I meant, I'm still anxious about that.
And. I wasn't sure how much anasteshia they'd give me. I had a way to get home - the bus. I just didn't want to be completely under as ......I wasn't sure how comprehensible I'd be when talking to store clerks, etc.
And, it being fall adds to my anxiety.
While I was waiting for the anasteshia to kick in the assistant and I talked about music, hobbies. She's tiny [by which I mean shorter than I am. probably weighs a bit more. I'm 5'4], from Pueblo. Has a daughter, 20, who plays soccer.
She told me she'd been to Alaska, and I told her my 3 favorite places I'd gone were/are Ireland, Lonon and Paris. She eluded to the fact that she wished she'd gone.
yeah but.......just because I've traveled internationally doesn't make where you went any less interesting. For instance, I've never been to Alaska......or South America. or Egypt. and so on. I like hearing about people's travels, what they thought of the place, the food, the people. Also, it lets me know what you've been up to.
So don't. 'belittle' that part of yourself, I guess.
[oh a lot of help that is when you already have. also. I get that].
They put this like, 'first' anasteshia on a Q Tip and put it on my gum then after a minute or 2 a vaccination. I don't mind needles. But it's very unnerving when someone is pushing something that sharp into your gum. Maybe because it's a small, enclosed area, as opposed to your arm.
I learned we all numb differently and we all have a different pain tolerance.
When they gave me the vaccine they told me to basically, look at the ceiling. Now I can't [as in, I'm uncomfortable] lay flat. I don't like losing sense of where I am physically. I don't sleep entirely flat.
Because I have sensitive teeth to begin with it was uncomfortable when he was doing the filling. With their tube thingy they sprayed cold water into my mouth and I think that's what I was feeling.
I felt a little pain, and the dentist pointed out why would people lie about pain? If you're in pain then. you know. you're in pain. it's that simple.
[when I'm in physical pain I'm not loud about it. same as, when certain people do something I don't like. It's 'not cool'. I'm not loud in general, so].
Near the end they told me to bite down on one of their little dental papers........erm. ok if I can't feel the right side of my mouth than I can't feel when I bite. you do realise that? But I remember what it feels like.
I was a little dizzy when I stood.
In the elevator on the way down a cute lady in her 30's, about, and I talked. I told her I felt weird from my filling and she told me the anasteshia would wear off, which I agreed to. she was nice. 'cute' in that classy librarian way.
Around 4,5 it wore off. I was a bit sore but that's all. The dentist told me he tells people the average time is 4 hours. Also, to be careful when I ate.
I'm proud of myself for making it through that.'
'So. They apparently don't have female condoms at King Sooper's, or Safeway. [they're grocery stores].
just another reminder that yes. it's still a man's world.
because they have male condoms.
sigh.'
'[Tom was the 30 year old I had a formal date w/ over the summer. And then while we were stargazing in the park he made me feel like a whore when I told him about 'downtown guy].
Anyway......but I don't want to!
no ok that's not entirely true.
I love meeting new people [as opposed to.......?........]. He was summarizing that if I worked I could actually meet people.
See, I do better one-on-one. I feel like I can get to know the person on a more personal level that way. And I prefer night because everyone's so busy/rushed during the day. You know, you start taling to someone and then it's like 'oh I have to go to class/get back to work'.
yeah I'm not a fan of groups. I detailed this in a poem I write while in college'
'.......me].
So, while my parents were out of town, I had a dentist appt, which I actually missed. when my mom asked about it I told her I'd overslept.
no.........it's just a simpler explanation than 'oh I had hard time getting started that morning because of my depression'. we don't talk about anything that personal.
And evidently, when I missed the appt., they were 'worried about you', to quote my mom.
ok I don't need people to worry about me. and the only ones I do are those I consider my close friends [Steph, James, Lindsey......].
Yeah sure if I'm meeting up with someone and they don't show I'll wonder. but I won't worry.
Believe me. when I.....I need you to worry about me I'll let you know in some way. usually in the tone of my entries.
it's like i don't expect people to care about me. I'm not that........um. delicate, i guess.
I'm 23 and ever since I was 17 I've pretty much been on my own emotionally. i think i'll be fine.'
'I was thinking about this just now.
I'm one of those people who's always been very sensitive. And I always will be. And beauce I offend so easily I have this unspoken assumption that others do.
The phrase 'no offense' really. doesn't help.
Yeah sure it'd be nice to be frank.......but think of how many hurt feelings there'd be.
I've heard that life's too short to not be frank w/ people. Well you could also say it's too short to not oh I don't know, do drugs. and then one day you do [i'm talkin about hard drugs here] and then you end up dead. see? it leads to bad results.
Now, that being said I realise not everyone who does drugs dies from them.
And in a way that's selfish. It's like saying 'I really don't care for you enough to be careful with you; I care about myself more which is why I'm going to tell you 'no offense' and then I'll probably end up offending you'. wow.
I do care about others more than me. My former best friend [before Michael, that is] would often ask me 'what about you?'. well what about me. we'll worry about me later. right now, I want to know how you're doing.........what can I do to help you.
In a way.......I kindof expect others to play by my rules, which is selfish of me. Like, I'm going to take offense to that so think of how to say it so you don't offend me.
no one wants to waste time. I get that.
I expect what I give. If I'm careful [not even if] w/ people I expect that. back.
I really do live by the saying 'if you don't have anything nice to say..........' then shut it.
If it's going to offend me then. don't say it to begin with.
I realise, of course, that that's a huge thing for everyone who knows me.
but I'm not going to change. first off, I haven't the slightest clue how to not be this sensitive.
and. I've learned other people probably aren't going to change either.
If you say something that offends me [unless you're family] then I probably won't talk to you again.
t........I think if I weren't so sensitive I wouldn't be so damn perceptive. which actually isn't all that great.
To be frank here; people really don't care for each other. sure they say they do they act like it.
It's not that they lie. it's that. no one [but me and a few others, apparently] wants to put that much time and effort into someone else.
just when the hell did we get so self-involved? and how is that ok?
it's not, really.
sadly we seem to have lost them.
Ellen was absolutely right when she said they should teach compassion in school. oh absolutely I couldn't agree more. I do mean they actually should.
Do you know how many school children off themselves because their classmates are mean? Are you aware it's on the rise?
[and yes I realise there's a right term for what I'm eluding to. i'm just embarassed to admit it happened to me].
and you wonder why.
First, that's the only way they see out. yeah maybe in a way it is better. I'm not condoning suicide here, please don't misunderstand.
I'm saying it makes sense.
That's something I've had to deal with my whole life. That's what the ED Voice is. it's not me. [well i mean it is because it's in my mind]. but the origin of it is the students.
sure there were some nice people back then, in elementary school. but I barely remember them.
sure they can plant flowers in the groundan try to change it and make it all "prettified". but I know what really happened.
it took me a long time to go back there. maybe that's being overdramatic I don't know.
that's why I didn't volunteer there last fall/winter.
Other students that go there now might see that differently.
but I don't.
I think, untill I confront those students [who are now my age], I'll never fully recover. and that day might never come.
but cmon. people don't just arbitrarily be mean to one another. [yes you can disagree with me].
Don't give me sympathy for that. yeah it sucked and yes you get that.. ['you' being everyone who's reading this entry]. ok and that's fine.
But the problem, I've found, with sympathy is that other than comforting us, [entirely the point], it. really doesn't do a whole lot for us.
Back when my grandfather died people'd go 'I'm sorry'. well. why. [rhetorical]. it's not your fault.
[i realise they did that for an entirely different reason].
I hated t hat. Don't be sorry be effective damnit!
It's almost like people are afraid to ask what they can do. If a friend's going through a difficult time I'll either 1: remind them they have my email/number or 2: ask 'can I do anything?'. or both. that way I'm giving them a choice.
If I don't know I'll be straight with you about that. I'm certainly not going to guess. which. is another thing I hate.
Sympathy sure as hell doesn't help us problem-solve.
yes I'll admit even I wallow in my own self-pity. but through writing/thinking I also problem solve. eventually.
I'm usually not going to give you sympathy. It's not that I don't care. I do. a lot. otherwise I wouldn't be asking questions to help. You should be flattered that I'm giving you this much time.
I'm trying to help you become less depressed about the situation by asking questions and therefore. problem-solving. [good lord. i sound like a freakin life coach].
I guess [yes there's more]. my worst fear [which i've never outloud admitted untill now] is to not have time for people. and. well, as i stated at the start of this entry. i never. want to be that person.'
'sigh.
Distance sucks.
no this isn't the first time I've come to this realisatioin.
Have you ever emailed someone and then continued, realising 'damn. this person's about what I'm looking for'. and then realise they're long distance.
yeah........that's been happening lately.'
'I've realised this lately. Also, isolating. As is therapy.
I don't want your drugs I don't want to talk I just want.........erm. to do nothing, I guess.
everyone's so fixated on pills these days. You feel something, take a pill. You don't feel something, take a pill. You want to lose something. again. take a pill.
as though that's the only option.
It's not.
Back when I started dancing again [almost daily], it did wonders for my depression/insomnia.
I'm getting exactly what I want [in the doing nothing] and yet. it sucks.
Depression isn't home. Home is safety, protection, love. comfort. Back when Michael and I were friends, it definately felt like home with him. and Alex [his sister].
With depression, you don't want to do anything. be with anyone. so you're not home with it. but you are because it's such a part of you.
It becomes comfortable it numbs you and yet how.......just. just how........
.....can you be numb when you feel everything so profoundly.
I do, anyway.
you're comfortably numb.'
'......Bryan.
It's that:
I've not seen Jason or Kevin in awhile. The last time I saw Kevin, actually, was a Thursday and Prince Of Persia was playing at Mines.
and Jason's busy.
Those were the 3 guys I really hit it off with. and since Bryan's technically still my boyfriend.....yeah.
It's more that it hurts that we haven't seen each other which is just adding to my depression.
I get he's busy. but really?
Look if you're too busy to have a girlfriend then tell me. and he did. He warned me he'd be busy.
so much for having all that sex.
Kevin's busy too, what with school and work The night I fell asleep at his place, prior. He told me his ex was 'super freakin happy.'. well um wow.
I thought 'well you won't want to hang out with me in winter then'. winter's my absolute worst season.
At least if I'm cold.......everyone else is too.
I can pinpoint exactly what I was doing this time last year. hanging out with Michael......and Alex.......and Taylor. Rachel. Mary. Brittany. Meagan.
we went hookah-bar-ring, clubbing, to Perkins. hung out downtown, at the Garones.
went to Zombie Walk.
but, to quote that one song; 'yesterday's gone yesterday's gone'.
It was home for me.
we just talked, all the time. It was just so simple. We didn't need much. there was always music. he let me be who i was. and all my little quirks too. [one being that i touch things].
I showed my stuff in my first art show and then never again since. we went to the mountains, the hotel. wash park.
He knew me just as much as Lindsey does.
october actually didn't suck.
The day Jacob broke up w/ me, Nov 30, after Michael and Taylor, Meagan was the first person I called.
We were that group of friends you see in RENT, Across The Universe. i'd told him everything.
and then one by one we dropped. it makes sense I'd be the last since Alex, Michael and Taylor are family. related.
He knew me just as much as Lindsey does.
october actually didn't suck.
The day Jacob broke up w/ me, Nov 30, after Michael and Taylor, Meagan was the first person I called.
We were that group of friends you see in RENT, Across The Universe. i'd told him everything.
and then one by one we dropped. it makes sense I'd be the last since Alex, Michael and Taylor are family. related.
the breakup was awful. I was depressed. actually. depressed not lonely.
yes he meant something. he meant a lot.
Rachel told me that Meagan wasn't a nice person, so we stopped talking........and then Rachel and I.
and now?
Rachel's pregnant, Michael's off running his business I assume. I don't know what everyone else is doing.
i miss them.
but it's nothing/all a distant memory now
As for October. I've never liked it. breast cancer, acquintances dying, the assault.
Fall reminds me of so much. That feeling?
ya that reminds me of what I still refer to as 'the David incident', or. 'the parking garage incident'. The night I told Michael about that we went. to a parking garage.
i never talk about that incident.
on Oct. 14 I might listen to some Tori Amos and watch Speak. much as I love her I don't listen to Tori Amos much.
winter. as said. is my worst. god i hate winter.'
'i want to be pregnant.
[whoa red alert].
No ok. I like the idea of being pregnant. [I'm not, by the way]. and it makes sense in the fall to be pregnant. I remember. last year writing about the pregnant trees. they're full and round. you know in that bowl shape.
and the moon's been. er. 'pregnant' lately. she's stunning.
I used to think that that was the most phenomal thing a woman could do, was carry another life inside her. My sister thinks it's cannibalism.
[my mom thinks eating chocolate Santas are].
I think it's more that I need, well. more. People as gone over in my last entry. But I'm not going to get pregnant to accomplish this. i'm not stupid.
And ya know what I realised the other day the day I saw Charlie St. Cloud?
I don't need her, the little girl that's been 'with' me since I was about 18. yes she'll always have a place in my heart but it was time. to let her go. I felt good about the decision. [i know i'm being elusive and it's on purpose. this isn't a physical thing].
on the bus the other day I was sitting across from this dark skinned pregnant woman. she had on these huge silver hoop earrings. I wondered if it was socially acceptable to ask a random pregnant woman how far along she was then decided it wasn't. she was just so comfortable with herself. warm.
had the coolness of Alicia Keyes. some people just give that off.
had the coolness of Alicia Keyes. some people just give that off.
or maybe it's that.
I love Halloween, Day Of The Dead. i'd love to be in Mexico there...with all the butterflies. some day.
my grandmother and John's 4th wedding anniversary is the end of next month. I think my mom and I'll get them flowers.
ya know........?.......
ever since earlier this year I saw [vision-saw] a huge white butterfly woman sitting beside me. she was there when I saw Lovely Bones. I felt very content/peaceful around her.
and the other day while in the park a small white butterfly flew past my left shoulder. and ever since i haven't seen the other one. and i think that's why.
My parents have a spirit at their place, in the room my dad stayed in when he had his accident. She's not harmful. I'm pretty sure she wants to protect us.
Them.
I learned on the radio the other day that sometimes you don't know what spirits want because they don't speak English. wow who would've guessed.
I was thinking about animal spirits the other day, and how we know what ours are. I came to the conclusion that they're animals we've always liked have always made appearances in our lives. that are meaningful to us. Jason's is a wolf. Mine's the butterfly, or dragonfly. My sister even gave me a dragonfly necklace I don't often wear. it's with my spiritual stuff.'
'Sigh.
I've found that about 1/3 of people who email me that want to hang out with me put one of those 3 things in their emails.
First off, I don't have texting.
Secondly, I don't want your MySpace. The whole point of emailing someone is to get to know them through email. Also. When I'm on MySpace I can't do anything.
And no I don't want to meet at, oh.......Wash Park. I've forgotten which bus to take there and the other person might not show. Now, the buses run till 10 at night. But also, when you're in a car with someone it gives you more time to get to know them.
I'm very familiar with the route from my place to Safeway. that's where I meet people. primarily because it's less confusing to find than my place.
I don't entirely trust cabs and they don't always come on time. Also, given the choice, I'd much rather not spend the money on a cab. The last time I was in a cab when we got to my place the guy asked if it was ok for him to come in and "talk", to me. I knew exactly what he meant.
that's actually why I didn't take cabs down in Florida.
This doesn't allow for notes because. well. it's a vent and I don't want responses, honestly.'
'29th
I'm just......just.
trying to get to know new people so I'm not as depressed this fall/winter.
I've not that many, quickly.
Studies show that's good for depression.
You'd be surprised how difficult it is to find someone who's not busy most of the time. oh. right. Most people in their 20's work/go to school. I keep on forgetting that.
I'm taken, yes. commited, no.
[ha, 'commited'. as though i've gone to an asylum. No offense, please don't take any. I apologise. that's the reason this won't allow for notes.].
We [Bryan and I] haven't seen each other about 5 weeks. not that I'm counting but. um.
I figure, I get to know new people [and, therefore] I don't focus as much on the lost friendship, and distract myself.
I've never been a fan of distractions. sure yeah I can understand wanting to get your mind off things but......if you need someone to distract you while you do something, that won't be me. that's not how I help.
I'm also not an 'interacter'. I don't interact w/ children/dogs.......it's not that I don't like them. well. I don't not like dogs.
is that weird?
Michael was pretty much the male equivelant of me.'
'28th
So, while seeing 'Eat Pray Love' the other week I came to a realisation: I don't have a very good relationship w/ food.
well yeah.
I have my foods that are my favorite foods. Well, nutella, guacomole and strawberries. Strawberries are wonderful. The rest are just....meh. they're a neccessity. I eat [them] because I have to not because I want to, or I love them.
I think part of it has to do with the fact that I don't cook, so I don't enjoy the food as much were I to cook. Preparing and eating it. I don't cook because it makes me anxious. I mean I can cook I know how to. I know how to cook pasta and I'm sure if I actually wanted to learn to cook more, which I don't, I could follow a recipe.
I also don't bake, other than during the holidays. Then everyone [by which I mean my grandparents. Close friends, if they want them] gets muffins. They're easy, everyone wants free food and that way I don't have to think about what to give each person individually.
I do make good muffins. I mean, they're not great but they're not terrible. I make them from a mix.
And......another part of it is I don't consciously eat. I have, in college. I'd sit on the lawn of the college campus and have my tea and large muffin. yes that's what I ate for lunch, tea and a muffin. It's a good lunch. It's also a good breakfast.
Consciously eating damn near gave me an anxiety attack. which. is why I don't, in order to avoid that.
It's easier for me when I don't.
In other countries they sit down and have set meals where they focus entirely on the. well. meal. England, Japan they have tea services. [I think I've written about this before]. In Paris they have wonderful pastries. The middle east, they sit on the floor and eat.
And in the states as a whole, we don't do that.
A few weeks ago while watching late night tv I'd have honey chamomile tea. and then that stopped.
But.
I think everyone has their favorite foods, just as they have their favorite music. Mine's Celtic and piano. so I'm not alone there.'
'by which I mean I haven't been eating all the food/s I "should" be eating. being pasta and vegetables. I don't like rice, bread, nuts because of their texture.
I have this thing w/ texture.
I don't really consider it "relapsing" though and I wasn't fully aware of it untill today.
I don't consider it "relapsing" because I haven't gotten sick from not eating........everything. er, sorry. ok. What I mean is [that] usually when I "relapse" I get sick.
A "relapse" for me is when I get sick from it.
i was sick a few weeks ago don't know why, still. it was awful.
I've been trying different fruit, to see what I like. and once I know what they areI'll buy like, strawberries on my next trip to the store and then on the one after, honeydew and so on. i go through 'food episodes'.
[and wow this is a boring entry].
But when I've had pasta I've had it w/ olive oil, garlic and parmesan.
Oh, and Amy's steel cut oats. It's basically oatmeal. It's good. It's alreadymade so I just heat it up and add cinnamon instead of the Quaker kind where I measure the riht amount.
Also, they make burritos. I had one today; cheese,corn and refried beans. It was good.
so those are my 2 new foods.
Now, here's where I need your help [please]:
I like vegetables. well. I don't not. like them, but they're not my favorite. [what a weird thing to say. you either like something or you don't]. But I have a hard time incorporating them into what I eat. I'm thinking those vegetable trays are a good way to go, as it's easier for me when food's already 'sectioned'/premade.
As said, I like those burritos, butter, pasta, fruit........and the vegetables are carrots, tomatos, cucumbers, green beans.
I'd like ideas for combining the vegetables and what I already eat.
Thanks!
[sorry if I've bored anyone] '
'29th
very short.
[i think] it's important to have goals. It doesn't matter so much what they are as that you have them.
It's often assumed that because I don't do much I don't have goals. which. I do. they're just different than those of people who work/go to school.'
'30th
So, . this happened the day after grocery shopping.
I wa sdone, and went and sat at a table and drank chai. it's kindof my ritual after buying groceries.
So, one of the storeclerks came and sat next to me. I was uncomfortable......'so......does she expect me to make conversation or......?'. I was writing down shopping lists.
She began taling in a foreign language, which I soon found out was Dutch. I couldn't tell if she was talking to me, herself or on the phone. This also, made me uncomfortable I soon found out it was on the phone.
Now.
I'm not going to tell you not to sit by me. Because, well A: I'm shy and 2: that'd be rude. Unless you're a friend. I'd just. rather you didn't, honestly.
[no advice please].
idinno.........I'm weird like that. I don't like people I have issues w/ personal space and have since I was about 15.'
'wow I've had a busy day.
So my mom phones at 7:20 this morning and tells me my dentist appointment's been moved to Monday at 11 as the dentist doesn't work today. The appointment's for my second filling.
Which I'd rather have had today [well kindof. no one really wants a filling] because A: it's the end of the week and 2: to get it over with.
I got ready.
While waiting for Mom to come I watched The Today Show wedding, between Melissa and Jeff, I think it was. they were both in their early 20's. they're so cute. Her dress was beautiful, lemon. old Hollywood. simple yet elegant. Her hair distracted me though; it was pulled back low and to the side. She didn't have a veil; i learned not every bride has a veil. She had her grandmother's wedding ring.
There were a few very long tables in the reception hall. I like round tables better because you can see everyone. and you don't have to 'yell' to be heard. I think that's actually why King Arthur and his men sat at a round table. also, they don't look modern. [the round tables, I mean. not King Arthur and the knights, lol].
Al [one of the hosts of the Today Show] said Melissa wanted to be a nurse, which showed she had kindness and compassion. But you don't have to be a nurse to have those qualities.
Which leads me to think of something the OBGYN was saying on The Doctors [another tv show I like, a doctors talk show. yes i watch a lot of tv], that sometimes female doctors aren't all that nice.
It was a very sweet service, the Today Show wedding.
I've been to 3 weddings, one was a neighbor/friend's mom's. it was Catholic and boring [though I was in middle school at the time, so. I probably didn't appreciate/understand it as much]. I wore lavander.
No actually 5.
2 were my cousins, different cousins. The first was my cousin Jessica's in Missouri, where I have family. who. we never visit. [my dad's mom's from Missouri, so]. I wore a poufy short white dress. I was 10.
Jessica's beautiful in a very......unusual way.
The next was up in Maine, where we also have family. I don't remember what I wore.
And the 4th was my dad's mom's 2nd, the end of October 3 years ago. My grandmother wore pink. I was in this dust rose '30's dinner gown of.......get this. her mother's. It has long sleeves. It's so beautiful.
For weddings, proms and such I always want to try and be a little bit different. For my boarding school prom I wore this red and black gown that looked like the one Rose wore in Titanic, with this black sparkly overlay over it. my hair was down in big curls.
And for my senior prom I wore this gold and black gown that had straps and this long halter tie...thing.
So, the 5th wedding I went to I wore the dinner gown. It was on 6/7/08, my cousin Jim's on my mom's side.
If I ever get married I want to wear my maternal grandmother's wedding dress and have one of the songs be Joni Mitchell's The Circle Game. I think the songs you choose are ones that make you happy ones you love. also, The Way You Look Tonight.
I like beautiful, classic things.
anyway........enough wedding talk.
Onto the rest of the morning.
[oh. I'll upload photos to photobucket, some of which I've already done. and post them here, so yall can actually see my world/life].
So..........
Mom came around 9, as did Dad. he came and replaced my computer battery. Apparently, according to Mom, since the warranty on my phone's expired I get a new one free. I don't need a new one, the one I have now still works. [other than the caller ID screen not working - I've a flip phone - and part of the little door thinger for the plug having broken off. sorry ok that was confusing.......I mean, so you know,...when you charge your phone you plug the plug into that hole? yeah part of the door that covers it, broke off. that was legnthy].
But it's free, so.
We checked my mail, as usual. I got this really cool card from Mom's trip to Egypt. It has hyroglyphs [is that what they're called?] on the front and on the back it reads 'walk like an egyptian!'. like that cool song.
Over the course of her trip she sent me this cool Dali card, entitled 'muchacha en la ventera'. It's so different from his usual works.....you know, the melting clocks and he did one of thecaterpillar from Alice [In Wonderland].
We visited Mom's parents. Her mom talked about her visit with Lena [her helper, I think]'s granddaughter Lily. who's not very old, not even 3,4 I don't think. [i'm not great with children's ages]. Lily was trying to stand but couldn't. Turns out my grandmother really likes children. [I'd hope. I mean the woman's had 4].
that went well, other than the repetitiveness of my grandmother's story. But, ya know? there's a certain comfort in that.
After which we went to CostCO for t.p. and tissues. then Target where I got new clothes, 2 pairs of pants and 4 of socks. one pair is black with little gray hearts on them. they're cute.
I was a little embarassed with my mom knowing my pant size. yeah I'm 'on the smaller side of average' due to my eating disorder. it's like my weight; it's something I'd really rather not have people know. sure my mom won't like. er. 'judge' me based on my pants size.
I don't shop for clothes that much. I don't try to keep up w/ trends, I just wear what's practical and comfortable. I don't show my legs [which I'd much rather show than my. um. chest],.........I don't wear skirts/dresses. mainly pants.
But living in CO you can pretty much dress however you want to. we're pretty casual. Sure if I'm hanging out w/ a new friend I'll put my hair up in a clip a la French twist......but that's it.
oh but I do wear scarves. and clip-on earrings, beads sometimes.
[ok wow sorry if I've bored anyone w/ the fashion talk. but you know being that I'm a girl......yeah].
part 2 coming soon!
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