der Geschlechtsverkehr dich in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

It has been over a decade since I was in a position like this. Yes, I’m still discussing that PB User from my last Friend’s Only Entry. Because in a lot of ways I see it as a good example of who I am as a person and want to (1) show that to y’all and (2) try to improve if needed.

I am considering leaving a message on the young woman’s prosebox being friendly, curious, and apologetic. Essentially, “Hope your Easter weekend was good. Sorry about getting off so fast on Friday. Hope we’re okay! Maybe talk to you again soon.”

A message like that seems to both convey “I still want to be friends” while also not seeming desperate to make amends for something that really shouldn’t need amends?

I don’t know. In some ways I kind of feel like a junky. Someone who went from ACTING and praise and positive reinforcement to someone who succumbed to chronic pain and isolation who married the next person that made him feel uniquely special who suddenly discovered a new source of Praise and Positive Reinforcement and really doesn’t want to lose it.

I kind of want to expand on that, actually. As an actor in High School… I enjoyed the stage life. I enjoyed knowing that there were a few girls who liked me. In college, I lost almost all of that. I felt like Aoife liked me, but she would never let us be more. I felt like I could have had a chance with Shannon but I didn’t trust that I’d be “her boyfriend” and was worried I’d simply be “another name in her hookup book.” When Wife came along, it was a woman who sought me out. Specifically wanted to spend time with me. Put me as a priority, even if it was only a priority of convenience sometimes. And all things considered? That became enough for me, sadly. My chronic pain, my newly medicated self… and lets not forget the influence of the most recent failed relationship! When I was dating Thompson, she didn’t want her friends to know about me, she didn’t want her mom to know about me; it was a long distance relationship where she refused to come visit me and I’d always have to visit her. So a six month long distance relationship where I felt like I was unwanted and like she didn’t want to be around me. So… Wife wanting to be around me? That was a step forward.

I’ve always thought I should have dated more women after I was medicated. Wife is the only woman I ever dated after I started taking medication. Wife is the only woman I’ve ever had sex with. Wife is only the third woman in the world (excluding medical and family) that has ever even seen my penis. And to be frank… Wife is the only person that I didn’t know in High School who has seen me completely naked. Despite what that means… despite the fact that my wife won’t engage in foreplay or frequent sex, or do things that make me feel attractive or wanted… she does still hold a unique position of honor in a ton of ways.

So… yeah. When a woman is being flirty with me… making me feel like I could be considered attractive… even if I know it is a digital fabrication or a fantasy constructed between writers with no basis in reality… I like it and I miss it. I just don’t know if trying to get it back from this specific individual shows a sad desperation in me or a reasonable attempt to regain something I’m lacking in my life.

Last updated April 20, 2018