I woke up today... in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

…feeling a little better than I was feeling last night.

One of the meds I take is supposed to give me more energy, but lately it doesn’t seem to be working. I get home from work and I’m exhausted. I wake up and I’m exhausted.
There’s so much I want to do, but I’m lacking the energy to execute.

It HAS, however, rekindled my sex drive…which is great because I have no one to have sex with.

Life is full of little ironies.

Sometimes I think that if I had a significant other in my life I would feel like I had an anchor to reality…like, I wonder if maybe part of the reason I stop feeling real at all is from a lack of human contact.
I think that’s probably why I give everyone hugs, you gotta get it when and where you can.

…

I’m supposed to draw some magick sigils for a friend of mine. I think he’s going to get them tattooed on himself somewhere.
That’s something I want to do…I just require more energy.
I think maybe when I’m done writing this I can do it.
I believe in myself.
I can whip something up real quick before people come over and it’s time to go on a bike ride…a bike ride that I may or may not have the energy for.

Maybe I should get a Redbull…drugz drugz drugz drugz…my life is full of drugz.

…

I like it when people think they’re drug free, but all a drug is is a chemical reaction, and your entire life is nothing but chemistry.
Working out? Drugz
Eating? Drugz
Sex? Drugz
Laughing? Drugz
Falling in love? Drugz
Dreaming? Uh…well…hmmmm, that one’s a difficult one to answer, actually…dreaming is more of a metaphysical thing, I suppose…astral projection and all of that…living a separate life in a real dimension…gotta shut down for a little bit because this simulator can only run so many functions at once…pixels and atoms, atoms and pixels…“You’ve been playing for a while, why not take a break?”

I take drugz every day because the doctors say it’s the right thing to do.
It’s great…bottles and dry swallows and child proof safety lids.
One of my bottles is blue and I consider it my “cool” bottle.

Nicotine though…that one…holy shit, nicotine.
What a sonofabitch.

…

I’ve been meditating every day for at least a month now…I never keep track of time very well.
I can’t tell if it’s actually doing anything.
I can’t tell if it’s helping.
Maybe I’m doing it wrong?
Maybe…
I mean, I read the instructions twice.
I dunno.

…

I want to start playing guitar again…I mean, I kind of play it now, but I want to start writing songs again.
My ex recently asked me to write a nice song about her.
I don’t think I can write a nice song about her.
Every time I think about her it’s just tragic.
I could write a nice tragedy for her…something sad and beautiful…but every song I have ever written about her is sad and beautiful.

She is sad and beautiful, so it makes sense.
She’s not nice.

…

Okay, I think I’m going to try to draw those sigils now.
I need to be productive, I didn’t do anything productive yesterday after work…I just fucked around on the internet and watched reruns of The Office on Netflix and freaked myself out with thoughts that are dangerous.

Thanks for listening.
It means a lot to me.
I love you.
we’ll talk again soon.
-Dane