Easter and All in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I kind of like the idea of being able to write “my history” here now. Instead of simply emotional reactions and trying to stay sane in a toxic work environment, I can write about events and other things. I mean, I said all of this before… that I was looking forward to writing creatively, and historically, and intellectually, and doing a number of things that weren’t simply “MY GOD this Law Firm sucks.” And, desperately hopefully… I hope I can keep this place from devolving back into “Holy Shit, things with my wife!” I mean… likely there will still be a lot of that. A lot of that. Because that is how things are. But I want this place to stay more than a place to house my bitching. Especially since it looks like it will be sticking around.

Not surprisingly, I found my way to the Guest Room Saturday Night and slept there until Sunday Morning. I woke up without an alarm (which is both nice and not nice) and went into the living room. Morning didn’t really have anything of interest, frankly. Wife showered and got dressed, I showered and got dressed, I told Wife we needed to be at church at 10:20… she was fiddling around with things around the house despite my insistence until 10:20 and then we left. Thank goodness my parents had saved us spots at church! Many many many years ago, I tried to explain to Wife why “constantly being late” is seen as selfish and does not show respect to the people waiting for you. Every time we’ve ever had that conversation, she’s made hundreds of excuses and told me that I “have no idea what it is like in her head.” I’m hoping her constant need to be no less than 10 minutes late can get cleared up with this push to be better.

It was adorable to see the niece dancing and singing and so excited to be at church with the whole family. The service message was good too, but we’re lucky at our church that it usually is. One thing people OFTEN say about our church is “Ugh. It is such a big church and raises so much money for charity, I’ll bet they’re always worshiping themselves and how good they are.” And that is why I like that church… because they know the preconceived notions and punch them in the face. The service was about the relationship Christ wanted to create with people. It was mentioned several times that any place that “leads you to them” isn’t appropriate… the point of church, worship, and everything else is to lead you to a relationship with God. If you’re interested… allegedly, you can hear it or see it at this link.

After church was mostly just chilling at the parents. Two big dogs, mom and dad, brother and SIL, niece. Later in the afternoon, one of my brother’s best friends from High School came over to join us. It isn’t as weird as that statement might make it seem. The kid (he’s basically Hagrid) was like family when he was growing up, he and his parents moved to California about 10 years ago, but he got a good job back here recently… so we have a standing offer on Holidays that he can always come to ours. The one thing about Easter Evening that was kind of a pain in the ass is something I should have expected. Everyone wanted to know if I was nervous about being unemployed, how soon I’d be getting a new job, if I’d had any leads.

I don’t blame them. That’s my family and it is a significant portion of why I’ve never been able to “live in the present.” Because for my family “the present” is merely the time between Action and Reaction. Action is the past, Reaction is the future, so now is when you make the choice how to react. I didn’t tell them that my “present” is going to be semi-extended so that I can re-learn how to give a damn, be healthy, and not want to express my worst character traits at every moment. But they did succeed in making me panic a little as they were all rather presumptively making statements that would translate to, “Have a job by the end of April.” Obviously, I’m going to keep my ears and eyes open but I’m not going to actively hunt until I feel better so… that may not happen, folks.

On the drive home, Wife was looking for some validation that her issues weren’t “that big” and I wasn’t willing to give her that. Her issues are big. Her issues are and have been “lead to divorce” big and I’m not going to sugar coat it because she’s feeling vulnerable. I’m going to be straight with her because if she’s feeling vulnerable maybe the message will reach her. Apparently, she didn’t like that or she felt isolated in the discussion because she tried to turn it back around.

She stated, “Your issues hurt other people, too.” I kind of chortled and said, “Actually, my physical issues affect other people because despite my best efforts, they still manage to limit me. My mental issues only damage me.” Then it was her turn to chortle and she said, “They effect others too.” I responded by asking for a specific example or generalized story. After all, Wife said my stuff hurts others and I would like to know how. She responded, no shit, by asking me what I thought my mental issues were. So… she just said that my mental issues negatively affect others but not only could she not tell me how, she could not tell me what those mental issues might have even been. After a moment, I told her that the biggest mental issue I have, the one that probably causes me the most problems, was my constantly giving until I have nothing left. I do it all the time. I put everyone else first, have nothing for myself, and I give until I literally can’t give anymore. Give my time, give my energy, give my support, give my patience… everything I have to give… until there is nothing left for me.

Instead of discussing how that could hurt other people, Wife actually had some insight (a tad) and said, “I’m sorry that you’re like that. And I’m sorry that I take advantage of that. But I need it. I mean, we both know I need it. So that isn’t exactly something I can encourage you on.” A little insight. She realizes that she is a direct benefactor of that issue. But instead of wanting me to get better and encouraging me to improve, she acknowledges that she sees value in it and wants to keep it going.

We came home and she got ready for bed. She did mention something else that I found pertinent. She said, “It is funny. As long as you don’t have a job, I’m probably going to want you to sleep in the guest room so I can get my rest but I need you in the bed with me as I’m going to sleep to calm me down enough to actually go to sleep.” So she sees that, but also… that’s her solution/plan. For the foreseeable future… in order to get her calmed enough to sleep, I have to lay in my bed with her. Than (if I’m still awake) I have to leave when she goes to sleep and go to the guest room. Or (as happened last night) if I fall asleep before leaving, I get to be awoken by her when she wakes up in the middle of the night and then I am immediately required to go to the guest room. ::eye roll::

So my plan for Monday was going to be
(1) Sleep in
(2) Reply to E-Mails
(3) Respond to my Therapist
(4) Prosebox Items
(5) Shower
(6) Long overdue haircut and shave
(7) Do the laundry
(8) Clean both bathrooms
(9) Work on acquiring insurance

Unfortunately, I did not sleep in today. I was up at 6 :(
Being up at 6 meant I could have Wife tell me all of the things she wanted me to get done today. Like massive cleaning. To me, the apartment looks fine. The desk area has paperwork on it, the living room table has Wife’s mail and DVDs on it, and the kitchen is practically spotless. Nope. Wife’s anxiety is telling her the place is a mess, and if the place is a mess, she tells me to fix it. So… I have to clean areas that are perfectly clean to me. Greeeat.

I want to close this with a TMI, fun little Online Quiz thing....

I took a playbuzz quiz where you have to select things like “Which of these fruits would you rather eat” and “which of these vacations would you rather take”… questions like that. But the name of the quiz, what they were “trying to discover” was “The Secret Sexual Fantasy You’ve Never Told Anyone About”. What is funny about that is that the answer I got to seemingly unrelated questions was… fairly spot on. Though it isn’t something I’ve ever truly shied away from. The answer came back “Domination.” Now what is particularly amusing about that is that it didn’t go into too much detail about what side of that coin we were discussing. Which works out because, as some of you may know from my stories and past entries, I can be a bit of a switch in that regard. Owing in large part to my conservative, Christian, enforced abstinence upbringing… there are elements of my own sexual nature that worry, scare, or concern me. So if I am restrained and/or following the woman’s orders? There’s a freedom to that. I don’t have to worry about doing the wrong thing or going too far or going overboard. That freedom allows me to more fully enjoy the experience. Of course, Wife wants nothing to do with this. But as I said, switch. I’m driven completely wild by phrases like “Yes, Sir”, “As you wish, sir” or (personal favorite) “I’ll be a good girl for you.” The dominance relationship of (1) the woman wanting to please me, (2) being in control of her own pleasure, (3) and the verbal stimulation? That drives me completely crazy. And, of course, another thing that Wife wants absolutely nothing to do with. With those desires in me and Wife pretty much enforcing (1) only after drinking, (2) only missionary position (99% of the time), (3) only with the lights off, (5) only in a bed, (6) only under the covers..... well… yeah. You see where there might be further sexual issues here.

Last updated April 02, 2018