I Was Talking To Myself in meh...

I was thinking to myself, which turned into a one sided conversation, as it always does. I was thinking of my niece and about shit relationships. This always brings me to my kids father.

One thing my kids just learned was that he broke up with me when I brought my daughter home from the hospital. He likes to think that he broke me for other men, but he broke me in a bad way. Actually, I have healed from that brokenness, dived into another brokenness with other people so now, I’m just cool on relationships because well…shits crazy out here.

At any rate, I had to deal with the fact that I was 20 years old, I was a new mom, I was on the verge of dealing with postpartum depression and on top of that heartbreak. I was fucked up. I kept going back to him. He would do shit to make me feel like we would get back together only to find out that we were just fucking and or to find out he was in a relationship with someone. My son was conceived during one of those situations.

Part of this problem was, no matter how used and alone I was, I didn’t want to be totally alone. The other part was he was always running back to me when shit wasn’t right with the others. I was stupid, I was in love with everything but me. I can’t even say that I love me fully right now, but I love me enough to not to put myself in a position to be made a fool out of. At the first sign of bullshit that can’t be explained, I’m out. I’m going to call the other on it, and then I’m out. I will not be a sucker and I will not settle.

Even after all this time, 2 or 3 years now since Him and I dissolved our situationship, I can’t imagine anyone else touching me right now. I made the mistake and listened to some meaningful music and thought of him. I had these bittersweet images and memories and then I read some stuff that popped up in my throwback entries that made it worse. lol

I still love him, but not like that.
I love who he was to me at that time.

When he reaches out, I see how he keeps throwing innuendo and I bat it away. Reminds me of something he said when we were in the throws of it, “Do you know how many times I hold my dick in my hand, wishing you were on the other end?” Call me a freak if you will, but that was some hot shit to hear while having sex. LOL I’m kind of raunchy. Oh well. LOL

But then I think about how he left me and married someone else.

I took control over my situation with my kids father and just said “Fuck this. You and your empty promises. I’m better than this.” And I felt so GOOD after that. And when he realized I was done with him for certain and I started seeing Him, he would call me and ask me to let him get it. I laughed at him and said you must be kidding. He even left me a voicemail, “When was the last time you had some so good?” I said it wasn’t with you, N-word. LOL I then told him that Him has that on lock. He kept trying and I asked him, “What do you want? What’s wrong?? She not sucking you right? She not fuckin you right? Keep that shit over there.” He even went so far as to say I was a lesbian because I wouldn’t fuck with him again. Which is why he was so freaking demented into thinking that he broke me for other men.

I hate him so much. LOL

Actually I pity him and his new girlfriend. But it’s whatever.

I think I lost my way on this, but it was fun to write about.

Take care…