Overwhelmingly Unsettled in Everything Else

I have been so overwhelmed lately and really unsettled. I know where it is coming from, yet I cannot make myself overcome it! So a little wordy release to try and get it out of my head and somewhere semi-concrete.

First, why did I ever decide to go “back to school”? I thought it was going to be an easy go of it, but it is proving to be more difficult and cumbersome than I ever imagined. Who would have thought that three classes would cause me so much fucking stress? All for a certification I don’t need and at this moment in time, do not even want! But I paid over three grand for this. I have two classes done and passed with As even though I will admit to half-assing it through them and retained zero knowledge. I was at the very end of tag teaming them when I decided to read the syllabus/class intro and found out I was supposed to do one before the other. It would have made things much more understandable.

Now I am onto the certification course and it is beyond fucking boring and kicking my ass. I am so confused by the content that I put off doing the work. I am on chapter five out of fourteen. Chapter four was a fucking disaster. The “textbook” is ignorant. It is one of those things where you download the chapter as you are ready to read it because of “continuous changes in the field”. Yeah, their examples make no sense and there really isn’t a way to check your work. I want to do my practicum and test before Saturday. I am thinking Friday night. My last practicum was an epic fail and even when I went back and read the text again…still didn’t make sense. Might have to look for some supplemental information. I thought there would be more exercises to complete and there would be answers and rationale, I was wrong.

Then there is work that is stressing me out a bit. Last week was a nightmare. I finally had my meeting and took on even more responsibility with CDC, which is fine because I was doing the work anyway and at least now I know that what I am preparing is what is going to the agencies. But…it was also my ap week and billing and Kay would not stop calling and emailing and i wanted to just yell at her that it does no good to call me and tell me you know I am busy and ask me trivial stupid questions. I know you are being called on the carpet, but jesus your lack of doing your job correctly is what is making me more busy and you trying to fix it this late in the game is bullshit, so just leave me the fuck alone. I will fix the problems when I have time and IF they are really errors/problems. Just enter shit correctly for once and we won’t have this problem!

I dreaded going to CDC today because I did not want to hear her go on and on about shit that I don’t care about right now. I am tired of getting calls from her telling me that so and so paid and that she told so and so they had to pay their bill before they could come back. You should have been doing this for almost five fucking years now! I have been doing her job for the last year and a half and I am tired. I have not taken a real vacation. Three days for training 16 months ago, another day of training in October is the most I have been away from her and my job in two years. I took time off in November, but I still did a lot of work from home during that time. That I didn’t get paid for (because a) I am that kind of person who will do work just to put myself at ease and b) because I don’t fuck over my employer).

I also have some shit going on at home that is stressing me out. My sister and fam are supposed to come in a couple of weeks and I am dreading it. For multiple reasons. First, they do nothing but sit at the house and either dick around on our computers (changing settings and clearing all cookies/caches each and every fucking time they get on/off which pisses me off when we have repeatedly told bro-in-law BIL to NOT do that. It takes my mom weeks to get her shit figured out again. Seriously I am not taking time off work to sit in the house and stare at them doing nothing but knitting, reading, playing games, etc. And the t.v. situation? Nope! BIL is fascinated with standing directly in front of th television so nobody else can watch anything and if he does sit down, we can’t watch any shows in full. He changes the channel when he thinks something “inappropriate” is going to be on. The boys are 15 & 13. Believe me they are not that innocent. Sis puts this undo pressure on me to “make” stuff. I pretty much have stopped knitting. I just don’t find enjoyment in it at the moment. I would rather get all inky and/or just design on the computer. But I can’t do that when she is around because she is all up my ass about what I am doing and how I could do this or that. I know she probably means well, but it bugs the absolute fuck out of me. And…I NEVER GET ANY ALONE TIME. I have to lock myself in the bathroom and if I am in there too long, someone comes banging on the door looking for me. I have to lie and say I have to run to the office just to get a break. Plus that is the busiest freaking time of the month for me at work. With ap and billing and now trying to get the invoicing done and out…the level of stress is at its peak. It is already starting and they have not shown up yet.

UGH! Also, I am trying to destash a lot of shit at home and organize and I do not want to take a week off of work to do that. If I take a week off, it is not going to be to clean out the shed and garage. It is going to be to get away, by myself for some much needed ALONE time. I want to just sit in silence in a hotel room and eat junk food without someone asking me if everything is okay and “what’s bothering you?” “Do you want to talk?” No! I don’t. I want to be left alone. I want to sit around naked at read or watch television. I don’t want to answer fifty questions upon entering the house after work. I want to be able to pee without someone all up my ass about how my day was and what I want with dinner. I want to change without having someone walk in on me. I want a lock on my fucking door! I want to convert the garage to a studio apartment that is mine and mine alone. I want people to stop asking me what is wrong because what is wrong is that I get no peace and I get no space and I have to explain everything I do and why I do it. I just want you to stop criticizing me and questioning if I did this or did that. I want you to stop telling me my neck hurts because of the way I sit when I work (even though there is literally no other way I could possibly sit and get done what I need to). I want you to back the fuck off of me for two days. Just two. Just don’t ask me what I am doing. Don’t ask me to find something online for you. Don’t ask me to fix something that isn’t broken. Google shit yourself. Don’t talk to me when I am trying to read something. Don’t tell me the news before I even turn on my iPad. Just don’t…for two days.

Well that went somewhere other than planned. I have a feeling this will happen more and more since I want to start doing Morning pages. I am trying to read that book now, but it is hard when someone is all up your ass about, “what’s that about?” “why are you reading that?” “do you really think you will stick with it?” Yep. They want to know what is wrong. Well maybe it is their constant criticism and second guessing of me.