*Her Story* in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

My day was a day that I’ve written on.

How was Wife’s day?

She survived the job. She even said that she didn’t cry and that she didn’t feel as panicked. GOOD

Then she went to Therapy and, according to her, got “absolutely destroyed.” Apparently, the session got to her and exposed her to her own shortcomings of which there are many. And she couldn’t deal with it. She couldn’t handle facing the things in her life that she herself has ruined. And to that session I say GOOD. She needs to see her life as it is and decide whether she wants to work on it or not.

But of course… uhm. Yeah.

So, I get home and she is curled up on the couch binge watching Last of the Summer Wine. Not reacting to it. Not laughing or talking to the program (as she used to) but just… rolled into a ball on the couch staring at the show.

So I decided that I got to have my own feelings and my own needs and went into the Retro Gaming room. I played some Mario 1 after saying hello and hugging her. Then Wife came into the room and asked for more hugs. Then she went back out to the couch and rolled into her ball. I finished my game and came back out to check on Wife. Put a blanket on her, treated her like she was sick/invalid. Then went back to the Retro Gaming room. She didn’t say thank you for taking care of her but as soon as I went back to the Retro Game room, she called after asking “Are you just gonna stay in there all night?” I finished my game and came out to the living room.

She looked at me and asked “Are we going to have dinner tonight?” I pointed at the plate of fruit and can of Pringles in front of her and stated that it looked like she didn’t have much appetite. She clarified that such was her after work snack, and she should at least try to eat something more. Obviously, the statement hanging in the air was “Chris, what are you cooking for dinner?” But as soon as she mentioned work, she started sobbing again. Wracked, stating that she wasn’t going to be able to handle Tuesday.

I reiterated that her very difficult Therapy Session was good for her and what was needed. And that it was an opportunity to make an important decision. Does she acknowledge that this is going to be hard and decide to push ahead so she can get better; or does she quit and decide that this terrible way of living is her new normal. Just saying that got her to stop crying. But it got her to stop talking. And it got her to stop watching Last of the Summer Wine. It was still required to be on and playing; but instead she decided to go to her cell phone games.

How about this, though: Lots of friends and family have been texting her or calling her to see how she has been doing. And she is having difficulty with that. Because her big raw issue? Apparently, she thinks she isn’t capable or good enough for anything. Which is funny since that does uniquely fold into her selfishness and self-focused nature. She’s so focused on herself that she’s convinced herself that she’s no good and focuses on herself to continue telling herself she’s no good. So, self-focused layering a negative self focus turning into an obsessive negative self-focus.

It makes me stop and think back to when she took care of me when I had the Mumps. My parents and I were glowing with praise on how well she took care of me… but when you really think about it? What did she do?
(1) She took me to the hospital where they refused to see me.
(2) She brought me back to my dorm and stayed the night.
(3) She hung out in my dorm as I slept all day.
(4) She took me back to the hospital when my symptoms got worse
(5) She called my parents to tell them what was happening
(6) She visited me in the Hospital every day.

And… as appreciated as those actions were? THAT is how low the bar had been set by my previous relationships. That simply taking me to the hospital and staying with me while I slept made her, to quote my dad, “obvious wife material.”

And now? Now our relationship is her demanding that I sit with her as she has complete control of the television, sobs that she can’t handle her life, bawls about needing to go back to work (she has already decided that she hates this new job equal to Wal Mart, surprise surprise) and yells in anger at herself and anything else that she isn’t happy about or with. And my reward for trying to be a good and supportive husband? A celibate life of sleeping next to a stressed out woman who has no problem smacking me awake in the middle of the night if my snoring disturbs her.

Really living the dream here.