Fantasies in My Fucking Feelings

Do I dare breathe my most secret fantasies of you?
I’m sure you’d think them twisted and perverse and perhaps they are.
But still....
They linger.
I see you in my fantasy
Weak.
Helpless.
Nobody cares to assist you.
But they always seem to call me nobody.

You get frustrated when you are unable to do things on your own.
You’ve always been so strong.
I feed you dinner.
I help you walk.
Just like the patients at work.
Except
It is only your body that is weak
Only temporarily.
I help you bathe.
I help you dress.
I tuck you in and kiss your forehead.

I stay a while.
Because you need me.
I guess my biggest fantasy of you
Is just that:

Being needed.
Being essential.
Being useful.
Being appreciated.
And having an excuse to hold you close.
To see your weakness.
To be with you every moment.
Because you need me.

I dream of things like cooking with you.
Decorating and arranging.
I dream of playing with puppies together.
The silliest things.
I’ve never been much of a romantic.
But when I picture your face
I wonder what it would be like to wake up next to you in the morning.
I wonder what it’d be like to anxiously await your return from work.
I wonder what itd be like to hear you singing in the shower as I make your coffee just right.
I see ua huddled in a tent with a flashlight and comic books.
Maybe you’d tell me scary stories.
I dream of going fishing
And bonfires.
I dream of your head on my stomach, content and comfortable.
It’s all the little things.

I blame you.
You are the one who made me consider this reality that I can never have.
You ripped it away before I had a chance.

So I sing to myself in the shower,
I make my coffe just right, then pour it out.
I tuck myself in.
I cook for myself.
Sometimes I even decorate and arrange.
No matter how perfect I get my house looking though
It will still feel empty
Without a man in it.
This house was made for a family.

I don’t spend much time here anyway…