Back on a weird focus EDIT W/UPDATE in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Earlier this week, after my wife’s issues became apparent and I realized that (especially while I am still dealing with my work) there was no way I was going to be able to handle her completely, I scheduled a dinner with my parents. It was scheduled for last night. Thank God I did that! After her car accident, it was the right day for it. I couldn’t get off work early and my mom was detained by an errand, so the first person Wife saw when she got off work was my father. He isn’t much for long rambling monologues and wants the conversation focused. So he got her to cut through her emotional bullshit and talk to him exclusively and specifically about the job and not about her emotions or feelings about the job. And he said that her eyes lit up. He said that the job sounds just about perfect for her. And frankly, I agree passionately. This is a good job for her. This is something she can do. But then Dad told me something that I should have considered and should really remember.

Per my father, Wife’s issue may not be “crippling anxiety.” After speaking with her, than seeing how she spoke with my mom and seeing how she spoke with me… Dad thinks she may just be “really selfish and self-centered.” To those who have read me for long, this wouldn’t exactly be the first time such a description could accurately be attached to Wife. After all, our romantic life/sex life/ married life has been an exercise in her needs over my needs.

But for the most part last night was good. Wife talked. Just about nonstop. Like barely taking a breath. So I was really glad my Mom was there to handle it. Let her talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk so that I can have a few words with Dad (so at least I can tell somebody about my day and my own issues) and even watch a little TV. Of course, her constant talking was merely a way for her to never (not once) stop and actually think. Plus having Mom make food was nice. As could be expected, I’ve been doing the cooking this week and it was nice to get some real food that I didn’t have to make. Plus… extra love and attention from parents and DOG! :)

But as soon as Wife and I got back home? She took a shower, I got to play a little bit of a video game (haven’t been able to do much as Wife has had full control of the TV watching Last of the Summer Wine non-stop). She got out of the shower and instantly said, “Show?” I told her to get dressed (rare occurrence for me) and finished my game. Wife had not seen the new Deadpool trailer and I knew she would want to, so I switched the PS4 over to YouTube. When she came out and saw that I hadn’t switched it over to the Region Free Blue Ray Player, she said in a disappointed voice, “When is it going to be Show time?” I… may not have handled it well. I snapped a little and said curtly, “It has been time for Show all week! It’s going to be my turn with the TV for a moment.” Of course she liked the Deadpool trailer. Then while I was turning off the PS4, switching it over to the RFBP and loading the disc, I look back at Wife on the couch… now curled into a fetal position. Saying, “It’s coming back. That feeling of panic.”

We watch an hour of her show and go to bed. She wakes up at some point in the night to use the restroom, can’t fall back asleep, wakes me up so she can fall back asleep. I went out to the living room to get some more video game time in then came back to bed 2 hours later. Obviously, I reset my alarm for a later time.

When I wake up, Wife has already left for work. I take a long overdue shower and, while in the shower, my phone rings. I check the message after I get ready for the day and it is Wife calling to say she left her phone at home and needs it (because Insurance needs to get ahold of her due to yesterday’s accident.) I call her back and tell her that I’ll bring her the phone. I drive to her work place (it is a large campus) and let them know I have her phone. She comes out and starts bawling. Totally bawling. She can’t handle it, she can’t do this, she can’t take this, it’s too hard. And meanwhile, I keep thinking “Your job is to wash equipment and put it back. How is this too much for you?” But what I say instead is “We both know you can do this job. We know that. You just need to stop thinking about all the infinite ways things could go wrong. Deal with TODAY. Then tomorrow, we’ll deal with tomorrow. That’s how to get through this.” I then had to leave to get to work. I arrived at work at 9:30.

I got a phone call at 10:10. So…70 minutes since I’d last seen Wife. She was (you guessed it) sobbing. She said she was leaving “at least for the day.” Because she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too much. It was overwhelming. I have to admit… I’m reaching the end of my patience on this. For our entire relationship, she has said how much she wants to leave Wal Mart and become “an adult.” She gets a job that finally gives her that opportunity without actually being insanely stressful (like a job where she is in an office environment or any of the other million scenarios she said would be too much for her). We got her into a lab environment which is expressly what she’s wanted this whole time. So… the universe hands her EXACTLY what she’s been asking for. She can’t even last a full week. And I told her how I feel. “If you leave work today, we treat it like an illness. So you call your psych version of a GP. If she can’t see you or can’t make time to see you; we consider a psych version of an ER. We work the issue. Because the truth is any situation from here out is going to be new. So if this is anxiety over a new scenario, that isn’t going to go away by you leaving this job. So you need to deal with it.”

I then had to get back to my job. While I still have it. And… for a number of reasons? If my last day of work somehow corresponds with her quitting this new job? I’m going to be pissed. My compassion and understanding will have been completely used up. Because the timing of it all is going to reinforce my Dad’s perspective. If she isn’t going to be serious with her therapist about how serious this issue is? If she isn’t going to discuss medication or doing something that will let her function? Than I have no choice but to see her actions as actively choosing selfishness. And applying that term retroactively to our lives? Selfishness has been at the heart of a LOT of issues. I’m certainly not good at it, but maybe it is time for tough love. To tell her “You wanted to be an adult. You’re almost 38 years old. It’s time you started acting like an adult!”

Hell, I’ll start that today. If I go home and she did leave work and spent the entire day watching “Last of the Summer Wine” as her coping mechanism? That is unacceptable. If she is unwilling or unable to face her issues and at least start working on them? There are some significant problems. And I know I’m painting myself as the dick here but a tiny voice in my head is saying the following:

It is true what they say that behind every successful man is a strong woman. Because a successful man is built up, supported, loved, and fulfilled. Behind a failed man is a weak woman. Because a man that must constantly give his energy to repairing the relationship, taking care of his woman, and must always do for her when she is never satisfied… that is a man that has nothing left with which to succeed.

She left work. I told her DO NOT GO HOME AND WATCH TV ALL DAY. So she went to my parents. And has decided to quit. The very job that she’s been wanting, the only opportunity to get out of Wal Mart that she’s ever pursued… and she quits within 5 days. She called when she made the decision and her biggest concerns were (1) if I was disappointed or angry; (2) if this made me want to leave her. Of course, I lied. I’m not such a monster as to kick her when she’s down. But the honest truth is… I am disappointed. I am angry. This does make me re-consider our relationship. Am I now expected to ask my asshole bosses for my job back? Is her plan that just neither of us works and we hope (really hard) that one of us (almost assuredly me) finds an acceptable job soon to help carry us? What does she propose doing to actually take care of herself? Because I’m not doing that anymore. I’m not going to be The Idea Man for her health. SOMEBODY should focus on my health and my emotional needs for a change and I’ve decided I’m going to be that somebody. Here I am… exactly 7 days before I was supposed to start a needed hiatus to destress, catch up on sleep, and try and get my pain management under control. BUT NOPE. Even following through on my own scary life decision can’t be about me. So… yeah. I’m a little angry.

Last updated March 23, 2018