Dear mom in Riverdale

This is what you did to me.

Growing  up and still I feel so guilty all the time  and like i am a burden. I always feel like i have to say the right  kind compassionate wise thing. Sometimes  i dont know  what it is. I feel so much pressure to please you make you  happy shield you  from my pain. Im always scared of your reactions. I feel heartbroken that you weren't  there with  me when Liban broke my arm and tried to kill me. Just sent me money. You refused to see me . Just like the time i tried to kill  myself  and you  yelled at me once again i went from the hospital  to my home  all alone when i could have used a hug and my mom.



But i mean how can i expect that? When my own father your husband was abusing  me molesting  me you ignored it. Didnt protect me and even  called me crazy for telling you. Trying to tell me my pain wasnt real. That youd rather me be crazy  than have been raping me.

I was in pain and you  just  contributed to it more.



I felt insecure about my weight and all you could do was affirm my insecurities that turn the subject  to yourself. And when i told you how much your comments hurt me you shrugged it off. Didnt look  remorseful at all. Like i deserved to be talked to like that. That hurt me even more.



You act so helpless and downtrotten all the time. Like you cant help yourself which isnt true. You seem to be doing  just fine. And you put it on me to fix you. You guilt me and dangle money in front of me. Break promises and deny you even  made them. You lie betray and talk about me badly to others. You dont even care right now  that im not feeling well. You just care that i used your money for what you want. I have to lie to you. Because im broke but you dont get that because you never had that problem and if you did you seem to forget what it feels like to feel scared. Wondering where your next meal is going to come from and realize you have ti depend finacially upon someone who is critical judgemental and abusive and makes you feel like shit for needing help.



You dont get my depression.  That its real and its debilitating at times alot of my depression  which you have caused by pressuring me all the time demeaning me threatening me  picking at me harassing me and smothering me.



I applied to school and it was really hard for me to do. You didnt  even remeber that i applied and when i told you the next day i was proud of myself and you just wanted to change the subject  i had to force you  to care and listen.



I feel like i always have to encourage you support you snap you out of your anxiety. I dont always know how to do that. I am overwhelmed myseld and anxious. Thats why i go to therapy thats why i read self help books reach out  and talk to people.  To help myself. You dont want to help yourself  you want me to do it. Get a therapist. I am not your therapist. The emotional burden you put on me is exhausting.  I need alot of fucking space riggt now from you and its almost fucking impossible because you finacially abuse me and smother me

 You cast me away when i need you but when u need an answer or need me you harass me to no end. Guilt trip me upset me and pressure me until  sometimes i just fucking  crack.

Its scary having space away from  you but its needed right now.  You might seem to think this is comming out of left field but its been a long time comming. As recent as 2 weeks ago and as long as my whole  fucking abusive childhood.



I dont know how im going to do it. But i need to. You are making me mire depressed stressed out and upset. Ya im lonely but often more lonely and mad at myself for talking to you so much and relying on you so much. I feel like i am betraying  myself by the way you treat  me alot of the time. There is so.much unsaid. That YOU refuse to look at apologize  for explain or try to repair. How can i someone who is trying to get healthier be around someone who i cannot forgive because they do nothing to forgive?



They point  the finger at me deflect blame and abuse me more. Saying  im spoiled selfish ungreatful a brat a bitch

To be continued..

Last updated March 08, 2018