I'm sure it's an ED, it has to be in other first

While reading I had one of those moments that makes me think I need to see about a program for an eating disorder that wouldn’t be well known. I have never had an eating disorder per say and I am not at all trying to draw attention from anyone who has but I feel so lost sometimes. I have always been a “big girl”. The problem isn’t with what I eat .... most of the time… it’s how much and when and those 3 things...... I”m always asking myself “When can I eat next that would be explainable and acceptable but generally healthy people? What can I eat next (like a catalog of the items at my disposal)? How much can I eat of that before (place moment here)?” Place moment here would be something like before Rocky gets out of the shower, before I get home, before an expected phone call, before i don’t want it anymore, before Rocky notices it’s gone. I’m pretty good about if it’s Rocky’s like if he says he wants it .... but then good stuff goes to waste (like bananas 2 weeks ago I made into bread he is also not eating). …

Then there will be a whole day in which I try not to think about food and I fill it with 20,000 things to do and detailed to the T (like plucking my eyebrows or painting my toenails) that 8+ hours will go by and I won’t have eaten anything and I get this sick headache and something changes in my appearance because usually Rocky has to ask me when the last me I ate was. I swear on those days he has a timer in his head and he just throws whatever is handy at me if I take more than 10 seconds to answer. .... Answers could start with what it was I ate or a flat out ‘bout an hour ago.... usually though if he’s had to ask it was at least 6.... I’ve gone 12 before.... just to much to do to think about it. .... I mean too much to do like mowing the grass for the second time in a week or washing a car in the rain. My toes don’t need polish, they are never out.... (inserts to keep feet straight so sandals are only for around the house and the beach)… and I have super bushy eyebrows.... it’s honestly pointless lol.

It’s usually the first side....

I was in Walmart getting groceries alone today because of impending overtime this week. I’ve got to cram what I would do in 4 days into 1 1/2. .... wait.... I was off earlier (on a Sunday) because of forced vacation. If my remaining hours aren’t used by the end of the month I lose them. Fine let me leave early Sunday.... So I did…Started on stuff.

Got groceries, when I got to buying work food for me I bought one extra I decided to try these little sandwich rolls rather than P3s this week. I mean just during the week got the P3s for the weekend. Decided to get one extra. .... for “dinner”and then I got a premade noodle salad thing.... also for dinner..... got everything else I needed and as soon as I got in the car I got the sandwich thing out. Decided it would probably be fine for work but I was dissatisfied and went to Krystal’s. Couldn’t decide what I was doing there really. What did I want? Was I really that hungry? I ended up getting 2 chicks and 2 originals and ate them there.... came home. I left all the groceries that did not need to be in the fridge in the car. It was down pouring and I can get them in the morning. I sat here.... flipping from this FB group to another… honestly looking for more info on what to do next and for stylists looking for sets I have wondering is I shouldn’t eat these Jellybeans.... and that noodle salad thing.... “shut up brain” Then reading.... reading was good.... and Misty got on and chatted about the end of the day and how Billy screwed her over in QC .... which I would never do.... then she left and I’m eating the salad.... only 3 1/2 hours since Krystal’s .... not tooo bad… .and 1hr 1/2 before planned bed time. It’s okay.... I think it’s okay.... OMG what if it’s not ok.... noodles, noodles are bad for you.... omg why did I buy that. I could have had a regular salad and been as happy.... silently kicks self in butt.....

Rocky will be home in about 15 mins. It’s unfortunate but intimacy is scheduled this week with all the overtime. I’m staying up way later than I would just so he can put me to bed.... and all I can think is maybe I should make us some food. Oh yeah US sounds good huh? But by us I mean me because I honestly can’t think of one thing in the catalog right now that would be good for him for dinner that I want to eat.....

But you have to eat. It’s not like smoking. It’s not something you can put down and walk away from. Food… is… everywhere.... but to explain it to someone as an eating disorder .... well, just stop… just stop thinking about it.... k.... 12 hours later passed out on the floor smh