Process in Random Thoughts

I am going to process an experience here, on this frozen snow day, a day home in which i have been doing dishes, laundry, bits of knitting.

It is amazing how one emotional punch makes me feel so beat down.

It takes me back to the place i used to live in all the time. Anxiety. Worry. Questioning. It makes me feel like .... if something small like this affects me so much, how can i deal with the big stuff?

Last weekend i had a glorious 4 day weekend and spent it in Bellingham, my beloved city and friends i don’t see very often. I explored new places, wandered around, experienced the drenching rain, some snow and ice, and a knife-like wind that made the 32 degree weather feel much colder.

The first night i was there, after spending some time with my best friend at a new cidery in town, we ended up at my host’s house where there was a gathering of friends. They are the “Blossom” group because at some point all of them worked at a private pre-school/day care (or are the partners of people who have). Theare a fun loving group and i see some of them more than others. They like to drink and play games and hang out. They are a wonderful support for one another and good people.

Yesterday i got a message from the wife of a friend. She and i don’t know one another and maybe see each other once a year when i am in town for a good stretch of time. But never have we had a full conversation with one another. This message was full of blame and name calling. I was 100% confused because i had no clue what she was talking about because i didn’t recall talking much with her. She was very drunk and i was tipsy (i’m not much of a drinker).

Here is the text of the message:

”I don’t know what your deal was on Friday, and I don’t really care. I thought I was the only one who thought you were being a little bitchy, but have since heard from others that noticed it. My Blossom people are just that. My peeps. There is non judgement and kindness when we hang out. Sometimes we drink too much, sometimes we don’t. I left because of you and I wont ever do that again. If you can’t hang and be nonjudgmental, then you should move on.”

I read it and:

1. Was confused about what she was talking about
2. Angry that she would use such blame and name calling without telling me what her issue was

My first inclination was to block her and ignore it. That is my tendency when i get hurt. Push away the hurt.

So. Its been one day. I didn’t respond. Yesterday i told my best friend about it. She didn’t know the cause of the message and urged me to take care of it since its in a group of friends she is closely tied (i am tangentially tied to since i don’t live there anymore), but i take her advise with a grain of salt.

I chatted with a couple people about it, processed a little. All the people i spoke with know none of this group of people, the last thing i want to do i spread rumours, cause drama, or gossip.

Finally this morning i texted with my friend Emily, who i love an respect her advise. She is also close friends with this woman’s husband. It turned out that i am a lot more upset than first came out. I learned from Emily why this woman was upset…

It tuns out i told this person (whether straightforwardly or circumspectly i don’t know, because i don’t remember telling her this even though it is definitely something i would day)

sigh i told her she should go to therapy instead of drinking. sigh

I can see where her perception of me being judgmental comes from. But. The problem is that she doesn’t know me. I come from a place of love and kindness. I recognize a when a fellow human has experienced trauma, especially childhood trauma. While i do have beliefs about alcohol and how people use it to express the parts of themselves they keep hidden, or as a lubricant, or as a way to soften social conditioning.... i strive to not be judgmental about it. I certainly don’t get on a soapbox about it.

I do, however, get on a soapbox about therapy sometimes. I recommend it to many, many people. I don’t do it because i see flaws in other humans. I do it because it has worked for me. It’s been amazing. My life is calm, free, full of love. My life is what i felt for 30 years was hidden from me.

Rarely do i embrace my anger and fire, but it has slowly been happening. It’s part of my therapy. This situation brings out a lot of fire in me. This is the place i learn to be creative with the fire. I learn how to build something artistic within myself and in an interpersonal manner (with this woman, who could be anyone, but happens to be a human in this world sent in front of me as a challenge to my old conditioning).

I break habits sometimes. It is a long process, going from recognizing the habit happening, to learning to respond in a timely manner (i am not there yet, i won’t respond until after i talk this through with my therapist Saturday....though maybe talking it through here will be enough and i will have made another small step).

One of my triggers is being misunderstood when it means that parts of my life that i am passionate about, or parts of my self, my ethics, my beliefs, are questioned. Aren’t we all? I feel as if it brings on my reptilian brain, fight flight, freeze. My MO is flight. Others its fight, which in this case means being defensive, arguing, name calling, blaming. I want to see this in a light clear of my reptilian brain. One in which i am ok with the intense emotions, anger, hurt, frustration. That i even bring them in and make them a part of me, but also use them to transform.

I feel somewhat better.

Last updated February 21, 2018