The “1997 CALLED AND IT WANTS.... in survey time

…ITS SCREAMING DOMICILE SURVEY BACK” Survey. (Part 1)

I found myself longing for a good survey tonight, and look!! It’s one straight from Simple Mind and the 90s! It’s also quite timely because we moved into this house in 1998. I think. And BOY do I want to move, but that’s not happening for a few years.

And, LOL, of course I started this last night, got about halfway through, needed to search for YouTube clips to illustrate the weird stuff we’re watching on DVD currently, and collapsed because it was like TWO IN THE MORNING. And didn’t finish. So I’m posting the first half now and the second half…later. And NO, I am not too wordy, thanks SO much! Just because everyone else managed this in one go does NOT mean I seriously need to learn how to edit.

DO YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT?
A house. Well, we call it a house. It’s more of a frightening disaster, really.

WOULD YOU SAY IT IS BIG OR SMALL?
It’s pretty small, but we have quite a bit of underutilized space. Because our house is a disaster and we are disorganized. The area we actually live in is very small.

DO YOU HAVE A WELCOME MAT?
We do. Not the one I wanted, though. What we have is just your standard bristly mat meant to rub the mud and dirt etc off your shoes so as not to track it into the house. What I want is one I saw at a fun quirky shop a few years ago, that says GO AWAY. I did not buy it because we are the bizarre antisocial weirdos in the neighborhood, and I’m seriously afraid no one would believe we were kidding. Because of course we’d be kidding!!! Kind of.

DO YOU HAVE A DISHWASHER OR DO YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR DISHES BY HAND?
I certainly do have a dishwasher, and when we moved into this house the 20-or-so-year old avocado green dishwasher was a HUGE draw. Because we’d not had a dishwasher before that, and I HATE WASHING DISHES. When that one died, instead of dilly dallying around for ages before replacing it, we had a new one in record time. I don’t put my foot down about much (as is obvious if you have actually seen my house— which none of you has as NOBODY SEES MY HOUSE) but waiting around for our usual ten years to replace the dead dishwasher was NOT an option.

HOW MANY PLANTS DO YOU HAVE INSIDE?
For the longest time, I had NO plants inside, other than an ancient Christmas cactus which was at death’s door for years before finally succumbing, but very recently I bought some inside plants. Well, actually I started out by bringing two potted bougainvilleas inside when it got cold. I always thought of those as tropical plants, and was quite surprised to find them at our garden center last summer… and was even more surprised when they actually thrived spectacularly all summer long- MUCH better than all my area-appropriate plants. So I tried bringing them in for the winter and even bought them some plant lights.... and they still died.

But by then I had plant lights and I missed the bougainvilleas, so I bought a few low-light plants and they are currently all doing pretty well.

I love plants, and have a lot outside, but haven’t tried having any inside for YEARS because we live in The House of Darkness.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE THAT YOU PUT YOUR KEYS?
Back in the dark ages when we moved in, I hung up a decorative multi-hook thing to put our keys on. I always hang mine there — Baker B always tosses his randomly to wherever they happen to land. Then stays annoyed because he can never find his keys.

IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR STOCKED WITH ANYTHING?
Beer, wine, peanut butter, milk (for Baker B), unsweetened almond milk (for me- a recent discovery and OMG I LOVE IT), cheese, and whatever cat food Eddie did not eat so is being saved for Cayce’s next meal. Wow, that’s kind of.. sad.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR BREAD?
I do NOT understand why it is nearly impossible to buy a loaf of normal-sized bread anymore, instead of these ginormous loaves which nearly all have tons of sugar in them. I like dense whole wheat bread (much to the astonishment of Past Self White Bread Loving Child Me) and I like LITTLE loaves!!! I discovered Dave’s Killer Bread awhile back, which in addition to the usual huge loaves also offers much smaller loaves, (and has a great name which refers to its origins as a way to help prisoners- starting with the founder’s brother- find productive well-paid work after prison) (and yes, I do know it got bought out by the huge Flowers company not long ago, dammit) so now that’s usually what I buy. Damn the expense!

Which, umm, has nothing to do with the question. Sorry. I keep my Dave’s Killer Bread in a decorative two-tier basket on the counter, usually. Sometimes in the summer when it’s actually hot in our house, I’ll put it in the fridge so it doesn’t get moldy so fast, but I think that dries it out.

IS YOUR BATHROOM CLEAN?
It is not. It is a horror-fest of fillth. I do intend to clean it tomorrow, though.

WHAT IS YOUR BATHROOM’S THEME?
Dirt, grime, mildew, weird stains and strange bugs, apparently. I kind of tried to go for an oceany theme when we moved in and I actually painted the ugly yellow walls a watery oceany blue and hung up some weird plastic fish and sea-creatures on the walls. Currently everything in the bathroom needs to be replaced including, scarily, the floors because we’ve had undetected leaks for years, and the outside wall because it’s rotting and the window is all but falling out.

The Thing That Has To Be Replaced Most Urgently For Cosmetic Reasons as opposed to House Is Falling Apart Literally Reasons is the tile on the floor, which isn’t really “tile” but is just linoleum stuff, and looks absolutely filthy and disgusting no matter how much it’s been cleaned. I have a plan to just buy some cheap stick on tiles and stick the damned things down so I don’t completely lose my mind (the nasty horrible linoleum is coming loose everywhere too). I don’t want to invest much money since I am afraid we’re going to have to tear everything out of there at some point, but stick on tile is actually quite cheap.

HOW MANY RUGS DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR DWELLING SPACE?
We have no rugs. Unfortunately what we do have is nasty, nasty, ancient carpet that was old when we moved in and is now beyond belief. We ARE actually planning to do something about this particular nightmare soon, although we’re in negotiations over whether we will get more carpet (which Baker B wants) or wood/laminate flooring (which I want). Stay tuned!

DO YOU KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS?
We know a few of them, having been here so long. We are incredibly antisocial, so mostly just wave as we drive by. Sadly our neighborhood, which was families when we moved in all those years ago, is now largely student rentals. Yeah, that DOES suck. Also the ridge across from us, which was woods when we moved in, became an enormous apartment complex for students a couple of years ago, and they screech and scream and go WOOOOOO!!!!! Non.Fucking.STOP. It’s rare I can sit on my deck anymore, between those eedjits and the students next door, who aren’t really that obnoxious but are ALWAYS out on their deck in big groups with their megaphone-mouths.

ARE THERE ANY STRAY CATS AROUND?
I haven’t seen any lately- there was a gorgeous black cat who would come by a lot, and nobody knew who he belonged to, but I haven’t seen him in a long time. Our next door neighbor’s cat comes by when the weather is nice enough to go outside. He’s a very friendly tabby who looooooves my cats, and they go into absolute hysterical fits every time they see him - which can be daily in summer, and he’s lived beside us for YEARS. It’s very funny. His name is Mr. Nugget but we’ve called him Mr. Cuddles for so long that I forget that’s not actually his name.

DO YOU HAVE A DVD PLAYER IN YOUR BEDROOM?
No. We’ve got one in the living room, though.

WHICH ROOM WOULD YOU SAY YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME IN?
The living room. Well, I call it a living room —- it’s the teeny room with the couch and TV and computer. Our kitchen is just separated by a bar so it’s all really one room.

DO YOU HAVE A POOL OR JACUZZI WHERE YOU LIVE?
Hahahahaha!!! No. Unless you count the pools that form all over the front yard and walk whenever it rains. And of course the ones in the basement that form when it rains really really hard.

Stay tuned for Part 2!