Recap in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I like how I can write things like my last entry and get responses. Agree, disagree, at least usually the responses aren’t venomous trashy ad hominem illogical bullshit. And I seriously appreciate that.

To clarify my “horrified” statement as it seemed some were confused as to why I would be horrified… I am horrified that we live in a world where people (especially so many) that call themselves rational adults can see a movie and think “SEE, LOOK. HA!” in the way that my colleagues were.

Here is my perspective on Fifty Shades of Grey (including some potential TMI about myself).

(1) Fifty Shades of Grey, by the author’s own admission, was conceived of as a Fan-Fiction kink-based re-work of the Twilight Franchise. So… welcome to a writing inception issue. You start with trashy poorly written Vampire in Abusive Relationship w/Teenage Girl story… give it to someone who turns it into a trashy poorly written Rich Man in Unhealthy Dom/Sub relationship with Woman Looking to be Saved from her own life.
(2) Fifty Shades is not the How To Dom/Sub handbook and the rise in people interested in the lifestyle due to the books/movies worries me. Because if you are interested in the healthy, consensual, appropriate Dom/Sub world… this series of FICTION is not the blue print you need.
(3) I particularly happen to enjoy many elements of the Dom/Sub sexual play. I have been considered a “switch.” Someone that can be just as comfortable as a Dom or a Sub; but I’m an ass because my preference usually goes with a mood that is complicated. To be specific… I like the power/control “sir” perspective in foreplay; but the actual act of sexual contact (hands, mouth, etc) is when I prefer to be tied up. I like the foreplay control but feel worried about how far I might take something if I wasn’t restrained.
(4) That being said, the above description was all before I had engaged in vaginal sex. My wife is vanilla like you wouldn’t believe. As far as her sexual preferences? How can I put this in descriptive enough terms. My wife is so vanilla that she once ordered Neapolitan Ice Cream and the chocolate and strawberry jumped out of the carton in protest. That was lame. But it is late and I am tired. Seriously… wife is vanilla as hell. Thus, the concept of wanting to be restrained before I engaged in vaginal sex makes a stronger sense there. I did not want to have vaginal intercourse with someone I wasn’t going to marry.... so the restraints while receiving hand/mouth were more a… stop-gap?

So… I share that to discuss how I am a person who can appreciate a woman’s desire to be dominated, a man’s desire to be dominated, I can understand why people say 50 Shades is trashy. Etcetera Etcetera.

THE PROBLEM I HAVE with my colleagues’ sentiments? They completely remove consent, relationship, and any semblance of “responsible, rational adult” from the world.
Women want to be dominated by a man.
This is proven because women went to view a FICTIONAL FILM.
This means that dominating a woman isn’t an harassment issue.

Uhm, (sarcastic) great juvenile reductive reasoning there. Or perhaps, we could start with something a bit more… evolved?
Fifty Shades of Grey found a responsive audience.
This means that there are some women in the world that fantasize about being dominated.
Thus, when in a consensual relationship with a woman I should investigate whether she wants to be dominated.
This means that, in the adult context of a discussed, consensual, pre-existing arrangement in a healthy relationship… dominating a female partner should not become a Feminist issue.

Yeah, that is a more complicated and nuanced perspective than “My secretary likes 50 Shades of Grey, so it shouldn’t be an HR Issue if I corner her in my office and ask if she needs to be spanked” but that is the world we’re trying to create. A world where people have autonomy, agency, and can be treated in a manner that THEY want; not in a manner that SOMEONE ELSE wants. That is why I was horrified with my colleagues. Because 50 Shades of Grey’s popularity doesn’t make it okay for Jeff Bezos to make his secretary give him a blowjob. That is my big issue. If Jeff Bezos is in a pre-existing, consensual sexual relationship with his secretary and they have agreed that it is okay to investigate a domination fantasy or preference during work hours… THEN he can page his secretary, tell her to get on her knees and they can have fun. That is all I’m saying. That the correlations and connections need to be more adult, nuanced, and understood than “AHA! Women have sexual desires. This whole MeToo thing is bullshit.”

Now, to get back to something else:

My previous two entries were typed up on my phone. Because, despite this being a Sunday… despite me having already turned in my resignation… my Chinese Boss is unable to say no to any Chinese Obligation Invitation. So… she accepted invites to 4 Chinese New Year Events for this weekend. She had Muse and Dylan go to 2 yesterday. She had Muse go to 2 today, and I joined her at the later one. Yes, you’ll be quick to note that Chinese Boss said yes but attended none. ANYWAY. So… yeah. Despite it being Sunday and despite these events being UNPAID… I spent 2 pm to 10 pm at an event where it was almost exclusively Chinese Language and no English. It was… brutal for the most part. I’m just sitting there… fat White Guy… not understanding any of the language… smiling like a jackass… nodding and pretending to give a damn about ANYTHING which… I don’t speak the language, I don’t work for this firm (I do, but the timer has already started), and I’m not being paid for this. It is bullshit. (and I have another one of these NEXT sunday, too!)

But I wanted to write here about some.... more interesting elements to all of that?

So… since I don’t speak Chinese… I have had to have Muse with me on most everything I do with the firm. Because whether it is speak to a client or go to a bullshit event… there is a better than 80% chance that I will need someone there that speaks Chinese. So over the last year, I have seen a lot of Muse in my life.

Add that to the Chinese Events I’ve been to recently… and I want to bring up an interesting, if obvious, thing. The Asian Women at the events I’ve been attending (whether young, old, thin, fat, whatever) all (1) have exceedingly good fashion which includes (a) high heels and boots, (b) short skirts or short shorts, (c) modest but attractive looking tops; (2) spot on makeup that highlights their best facial features; (3) gorgeous long black hair.

So… add all that up. There is a young Chinese Woman that I’ve spent a lot of time with who has a good fashion sense (heels, short skirts), excellent make up, and gorgeous hair. Meanwhile, I love my wife and find her attractive but I don’t see much of her, she’s miserable as always, and when I do see my wife… she reminds me why I have compassion fatigue (with conversations mostly focused on her misery/struggles).

So today… part of this Chinese Event was a show put on by Chinese Students. So… you have me in a suit, sitting next to a made-up young woman in her best skirt and heels, watching Classical Theater (albeit Chinese Theater) and I realized… this is what I WISH I could do as a date with my wife. Like… that WAS a date for me when I was most “myself”. Dress up, put your best face on, live theater. That’s a good date. And something about that experience… that “this is a date” type experience… I really wanted to kiss Muse. Obviously I didn’t. We’re work colleagues, I’m married, she’s practically engaged, I’m just a fat white guy, she’s a young and fit woman.... it would have been a tremendous mistake to do anything even close to thinking about trying that. But… yeah. That happened and I need to own up to it.

With my wife, who the fuck knows if I’ll ever have a moment like that with her. But I’m still hoping. I’m still hoping that part of this break from Work for me will help me get in shape and give me the opportunity to take my wife to a Live Theater experience where she’ll dress up, put her face on… that whole thing. Because… short of that or a miracle… dates for us are… pathetic, lame, and sad. I’m too tired most of the time to do anything; she’s too bummed out about her life, so our dates are either “Home, watching a movie” or “At the restaurant within walking distance.”

All of that being said, I do also have to confess a growing fear of sustained celibacy again. Wife and I aren’t drinking anymore (for the next 6 weeks) just because we both want to lose weight (and Wife wants to see if I’m capable of going that long without alcohol). So I can’t help but think there goes even the little bit of vanilla sex I did get. So… with that in mind… whether while I’m transitioning out of my job or shortly after I start getting free time again… I have a feeling some of the sexy stories I’ve been working on will finally get to a place where I am comfortable publishing them here and asking for feedback of any and all variety.

Last updated February 19, 2018