Fuck you dreams in Elm

So today going to try to let things flow. Scratch that not try.



I get so anxious. Its all because i think i NEED to do certain things.  And i dont. I need to allow myself to flow and let things come to me. Things that seem natural more.  All in time i get things  done. Im not a robot.



I had a horrible ass dream last night like usual. Fuck you  dreams. I got this app called dream catcher so i can notice patterns and write down my dreams.  I hate sleep for the reason i have these terrible dreams all the time that haunt the fuck out of me.



Was going to do 2 things today but fuck  them i can do them tomm. I am feeling sad and empty. Just negative dont know why this  is supposed to be my happy week for my period. But u know it is what it is. At least im saving a bit of money  and energy.  I have to talk to my odsp case worker and fax some shit over  and wanted to go to this zine fair.  But im not feeling social. In fact i feel like a lazy fat ugly idiot.



Im guessing thats not true but my confidence lately feels very low. It has something  to do with Nas i am sure. Before he came over i was feeling good about myself happy and carefree than he came over and cast his dark cloud over everything and treating me like shit. It would  be easier if this was someone i had known for a minute but ive known him for like 5 years. He uses me and makes me in a very stubtle way not feel good enough.  Whether he means it or not it fucked me up. It does everytime. Hea miserable  with  his life. And it rubs off onto me. In this very sneaky way.



 Thats probably  why i hate him the most out of all the guys i know. He seems more together and all reliable and responsible  that when he does fuck off and ignore me it makes me feel like hes better than me. And im not good enough. He acts so composed  most of the time. But deep down hes just selfish  fucked up and as confused as the rest of us really.  Acts not human  and secretive. 



But man fuck him. Glad i wrote about  that though.  Need to process  my relationship  w him since i don't  nearly enough and let him slither his way into my life. Fuck that.



Dont feel like doing  much today.  I dont know of its the weather mood hormones money issues or what. But just feel tired and unmotivated. But this time im going  to accept this. And not judge it. Because  i judge myself and others judge me enough.  It doesnt help me. You cant hate yourself better.  Only accept let flow. Be patient. 



6 days till beginning  of spring

15 days till end of month 2 weeks and a day

Last updated March 15, 2019