Friday Morning in New Diary

I am up. I wish I can say life is good. I made it to my doctor’s appointment at Healthways. I didn’t say how depressed I have been. I did tell him anxiety has been high. I didn’t tell him about the suicidal thoughts. I didn’t tell him about not leaving my apartment. I didn’t tell him about letting myself go down the tubes. I am so afraid they might ship me down state or end up in a group home. I said just said everything is fine. He wrote me out a script for meds and I was on my way

Next stop was downtown Krogers. I went to the pharmacy and turned in my script. I also picked up two dozen eggs and a notebook. Then my case manager took me home. I was glad to get back home.

I had a good session with my caregiver this morning. She fixed me two scrambled eggs and sausage paddies. She did the usual good job of cleaning my apartment. We got to talking and I felt We got to talking about women and bad boys. I was saying that I knew a lot of women who seem to be attracted to those type of men. They end up in shitty abusive relationships. They always pick the same type of men and the pattern repeats itself. I said I could never understand this and why they do the same thing.,

She was telling me that she was attracted to those type of men. She talked a little about her history. She was molested at age four. Then she was raped at age fourteen. Once you have been abused like that you do not feel right. In her case she said she didn’t feel like she deserved anything better. Then they will get into a relationship and hurt their partner before they get hurt. I think it boils down to very low self esteem from very bad experiences.

After she left I thought about our conversation. I think a lot of it applies to myself. I was never molested or raped. But throughout my life I experienced a lot of verbal abuse. I had a hell of a time in high school. I will never forget people being laughed at . One time I was beaten up in the locker room during gym class. I felt so lonely and miserable because I had no friends,. I would put up with a lot of shit just to have people in my life.

I was really messed up. I started going to Healthways when I was sixteen. This didn’t help anything with self esteem. I felt like a freak because I had to see a therapist. In my younger life the same pattern of bad relationships repeated itself,. I think back on it now and I am convinced that any type of relationship I was involved in ended up badly.

I think this is why I stay to myself so much. I do not want to put up with anyone’s shit. I do not like drama and strife. I will not tolerate being abused in anyway shape or form. I think I am at the point in my life where I like my own company and am free of the negative crap in this apartment building. I have books to keep me company and that suits me fine