Thursday Morning in New Diary

I finished reading A Bright Shining Lie: John Paul Van and America in Vietnam. by Neil Sheehan I started reading another book American Founding Son John Bingham and the Invention of the Fourteenth Amendment. Also bought another book yesterday. This one is The Steps to the Supreme Court: A Guided Tour of the American Legal System by Peter Irons. This seems like another interesting book.

My caregiver came yesterday. We had a nice chat about the current situation,. I told her about my therapy appt. I told her that my therapist thinks Chocolatechip is not going to come back as long as the caregiver is in the picture. My caregiver was worried about that and she said that I’m worried my ex will show up at my door one day,. I will fire her and t ake my girlfriend back. I said under no circumstances will I fire you because you are too good a worker to let go.

We talked about other things as well. We talked about the message she sent me on instant messenger, Caregiver seems to think that all of this wasn’t about the message. In her mind she wanted to use this as an excuse to start a fight and drama. I don’t think that is the case. Caregiver said that the first thing she would have done was come up and read the message. I said I wanted to show it to her but she never bothered to look at it. Caregiver said that tells me that there is something else going on. I said I don’t know and I do not know what to make of it anymore.

I do know is I am on a downward spiral. I have been so frigging depressed. I have zero energy. I have not been taking care of myself. I have not been leaving my apartment. Anxiety, paranoia have been through the roof. I have been feeling like shit. I try to put on a front when my caregiver is here but after she is gone I quickly go down the tubes.

I don’t think I will ever get over this.