Aug.: Dwc dates ptsd birthday downtown guy SA in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 4, 2014, 1:54 p.m.
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- Public
'1st
So, I'll be 23 the 17th. I want to have a nice, small family get together but not invite my dad's mom. How, exactly, do I bring this up with my mom?
thank you
:) '
'finally, an entry not about sex/relationships! you'll be glad to know.
Um.
Last Friday my mom and I went to hear/see her choir [well. i guess technically it's not her choir. same as, 'I apologise for walking on your lawn' it's not your lawn it's the city's lawn. anyway] perform at the stadium across from South High. As part of the Relay For Life thing.
A woman talked about a table w/ a pink rose and white tablecloth.....it was in front of the stage. She said it symblized a few of the different aspects of cancer.
then the choir sang.
While they sang the world was sad. The full beautiful moon was bleeding. [it actually happened. i have visions]. and I wondered why.
i don't like it when she's sad.
I think I know why she was. I've been sad too.
summer's coming to an end.....then fall then winter which is cold and dark and depressing. the world doesn't get to share its color in the winter.
winter's beautiful but it's a cold beauty'
'So, I can't find my EBT card. which, in a way, is just as well since we're apparently cancelling it.'
'this might be TMI, I'm not sure...
Now maybe it's just me, but I've always [evidently] felt that kissing should come before anything else. Like, in order to bake a cake you have to get the ingredients together first.
If I'm with someone and they kiss me then, that's sortof the starting line for everything else intimate.'
'2nd yes another entry about this.
It's not, 'oh something went wrong in my last relationship so I'm not ready for another one' it's that. I simply don't want one.
I'm definately happier in one.
But I don't want the whole long drawn out couple-y process. thing.'
'So far, I've gotten to know 2 guys who I consider friends, Phil and Chris. I got to know Chris yesterday but more on that later. He's hot and he's nice. really nice.
Phil's awesome. He's funny and nice and we have tea at my place when we get together. I feel like I can talk about anything with him, including....my period. It's nice to have that freedom. I like that we have tea.
He also eats my food when he's over which I don't mind. I mean that's what it's there for and if I'm not going to eat it, then.
And apparently I can talk for 5 solid hours. I also like that we can talk about relationships and don't feel like it has to go anywhere.
As for Ru and Jordan.....well it didn't really go anywhere with them. Jordan and I never made plans to get together, and soon he'll be back in CA. He was - er,probably still is - nice but didn't make me laugh, so.
And with Ru, I felt like I was always the one asking him about getting together. Which. makes things unbalanced.
Oh, and he's gone back to Georgia.
But, it's not like I had sex with either of the 2 [not that I would have sex with any guy. again, not a personal thing. and. I didn't] and then they left. that would really suck.
And Shawn......I messaged him asking if he wants to get together. I haven't heard back. I also phoned him.
I get the sense that he either honestly doesn't want to or that he's got stuff goin on with him.
It's not as though Ru, Jordan and Shawn are the only guys/people out there I can get to know and.......er. get to know and more. because they're not.
So anyway, back to my original point. I'm tired of being just "the friend". I'd like to think I'm a pretty good friend. And although I stated I don't want [to be in] a relationship right now, I also want a bit more.'
'I think it might be a physiological thing. er. response*.
So, a friend and I went and saw Inception last night. It was confusing, interesting. The couple in the movie were being intimate and....damn I wanted that.
[it] makes me ache'
'........I am with you.
The first, is if I ramble on. I have this thing [er, sorry. habit] of talking too much when I first meet someone. I guess maybe it's due to nerves.
If I'm passing by someone, or they're bypassing me [which I don't let happen. I will stand there and wait for however long it takes for them to pass me, due to my issues w/ personal space] and they say 'hi' I'll either say something or smile. But that's as far as it goes. Due to A; when you're bypassing someone there really isn't much time to strike up a conversation and 2; I'mnot that comfortable with them.
I'm actually really quiet, which some people find hard to believe. But that's only because they know me.
The second, is if I eat around you. It's very rare that I'll be so hungry that I'll eat in front of a random person, regardless of who they are.
And the third.......is if I straightaway tell you my dad has Asperger's, rather t han leaving that out, being vague.
And this doesn't allow for notes because........? '
'I've always felt this was another really weird thing about me.
I'm not what I'd call a 'name person'. I don't use people's names. Like, it's not that I don't know their names....I just don't use them. I don't even know why.
Back when I was friends w/ 'the group' [Michael, Taylor, Alex, Meagan, Rachel, the lesbians Mary and Brittany] and we hung out, among the women I'd go 'hun can you pass me that?'.
I think it's because I'm such a sucker for terms of endearment. they make me feel all warm. And it's so common for women to use them among their other female friends. I mean, I don't unless the other person does.
But around guys it's different. I feel like, even if you're just friends with a guy and you use a term of endearment it's associated with being in/wanting a relationship with him.
Usually when I email someone it's just 'hey'.
idinno maybe I'm just weird like that
and this doesn't allow for notes because........?. I simply don't want notes on this entry.'
'It might've been noticed that I put this phrase at the end of my entries, somethings.
There are a few reasons why I do this;
1: I simply don't want notes
2: it might come off in the entry that I want advice, which I don't
3: I don't want people's opinion/judgements
4: I'm ranting/venting
I stated recently that I'm trying to do better with letting yall know why I don't allow for notes.'
'It hadn't occured to me untill very recently how much I subconcsiously inconvenience people.
I like to have things a certain way. For instance, the oven mitts always go on top of the microwave. So I can always find them.
And the faucets/faucet handles always are turned to the left.
For asthetic reasons.
I've come to realise, that having them in the middle is slightly more efficient.
this doesn't allow for notes because. I simply don't want notes.'
'3rd
So, twice within the past few weeks my mom's brought up my dad's accidents, from when I was 17.
I don't like hearing about it, though not for the reason you might think. I don't like hearing about it because....it's like, Dad was the only one who mattered at the time. to anyone. That's why I stopped telling people about the accidents, because I was tired of them asking about him.
He wasn't the only one effected.
I'm leaving this noteless because.....I, again. don't want notes.'
'So Friday, my mom and I went and bought a few memory cards for my camera. She looked at the serial number for my printer which she needed for printer cartridges. We went to McDonald's where I got a free strawberry banana smoothie. It was good.
Saturday, we went to a movie at the Tamarc, The Kids Are Alright. I liked it, it was interesting. There was a lot of sex. The girl who played Alice in the recent film was in it. She's absolutely beautiful, in a simple way.
So Sunday, Chris and I went to Wash Park in the afternoon. It was cloudy, a little cold. so I was a little depressed. Then we went to the mall to look at the movie times then downtown to the Pavillions. We got tickets for Inception then walked around lookin for places to get something to eat. I cried out Subway and we went there. I got a vegetarian and he got a BLT. He paid for the movie tickets. My sandwich was a foot long. Chris said "you're going to eat all that?" I told him "don't assume".
.....that just because I'm on the smaller side of average that I can't eat a foot long.
We went to Inception. On the way there a homeless guy complimented my earrings. And a pianist was playing and singing 'hallelujah'.
One of the trailers before Inception featured a choir singing 'Creep'. I love that song. That, and the aforementioned are both going on my recovery CD. cmon like that doesn't mean something.
The theater was crowded. Next to us sat an absolutely gorgeous redhead. wow. I complimented her dress.
I was sitting under the damn air vent becoming colder than usual. On the drive back to my place Chris told me I could've told him that and we could've moved. which hadn't occured to me untill he told me. sometimes things don't.
guess I'm not the only one; my dad calls it 'staircase whim'.
The movie was confusing, interesting. long. I fell asleep during it but not into a deep sleep. I hadn't slept in near 24 hours, so.'
'5th
So last night I went out w/ Jeff [new friend] to his friend Brandon's birthday. Brandon's wife Laila and their friends Chance, Ali and Jesse were there.
We went to the Table Steaks in Aurora, which I'm apparently right by.
Brandon's one of those guys who's hot and he knows it. He's loud when he drinks omygod. Laila's cool. Ali's cute, Chance is really nice.
Brandon, Chance and Jeff have been friends for years. They're all cool, funny and really comfortable with each other.
I ordered a water because I wasn't sure what to have. and then....a sip or so of tequila. god it was horrible. And then a shot of this peach stuff. that was good.
yeah so I had quite a bit to drink. We just hung out and talked. I'm really quiet around people I don't know but once I've had a few drinks I'll say anything.
the guys went outside for smoke breaks a few times.
After the peach sfuff I had a shot of this cranberry apple juice drink then 2 malibus [coconut rum and cranberry juice]. they were good. sweet. fruity.
Oh, backtracking; when Jeff and I were on my porch leaving for the bus, he pulled the door handle towards him and he managed to fall off my porch. it was fregin hilarious. No one has ever done that.
So I was a bit drunk. I wasn't embarassed to be drunk [because, well. obviously] I was embarassed to be sick. I stopped after the 2nd malibu and had water. Oh and fries with ketchup and ranch. yes an entire basket of fries. The problem with the malibus is that you can't taste the alcohol.
So, Jeff and I left my place around 8. We left the bar at 2:10 this morning. we had to wait a fukin hour for a cab.
I'm a pretty cool chick but that's my big thing. You will not drive drunk. I will not get into a car with you when you're drunk.
Not only is it doing the right thing but a few years ago my dad was hit by a drunk driver, so. it's personal as well.
After which we hung out at my place.
well......we're a bit more than just friends. we're on that line, I like that line. Between friends and more. He treats me so well. He's done wonders for my self esteem. I've become happier, calmer.
The thing with relationships is that they eventually end and heartbreak's a bitch.
I like that he thinks I'm cool enough to hang out with the guys.
so, other than the getting slightly drunk - which. really was more of an inconvenience than anything - I had a good time.'
'7th
god
i've been so lucky lately.
Lucky Jeff hasn't pushed me.......lucky nothing happened while I was drunk. well. other than, you know. the getting sick.
Lucky his friends didn't try anything........
and, incredibly lucky nothing happened Friday morning.
Um. this is hard for me to talk about, and, as usual I'm being vague on purpose.
The cabbie asked if it's ok if he comes in so he could talk to me. I said 'no'. 'why not' 'because. I don't want you to'.
And he didn't.
Most people don't know just how perceptive I am. I know exactly what he meant by "talk". exactly. It may seem like I don't know what's going on because I'm quiet and don't make eye contact but........I'm always right there paying attention.
I'm still scared about that. I'm a lot more aware of the fact that my door's been locked.
you know he could've........done. something. And right before my 23rd, to.
No.
That's actually why I wouldn't take cabs in FL for awhile. Because. the cabbie might want to hookup. Not all cabbies are like that. And, actually. Most aren't.
People down there didn't really understand that. Most didn't know I'd been assaulted. I had a right to feel that way.
I'm awestruck by how lucky I've been lately. It's weird and um. humbling yeah that. pretty much covers it.'
'PTSD. the triggers.
The big hands......the fact that I have intimacy issues.......the fear that comes with knowing someone almost did something.......the dislike of big hands, rather.
why should I have to be treated any differently just because I was assaulted? what makes me so different?
As though that's all I am. Like, 'oh she was assaulted so we can't merge her with everyone else who's mainstream, she has to be put to the side'
put to the side on a shelf, [to be] looked at but never played with. yes pardon the sexual innuendo.
fukin ridiclous.
not that I want a guy to just have sex with me straightaway. but I also hate it when I'm sitting on the couch next to a guy and I can tell they want to kiss me and I'm thinking 'oh for the love of god'
the triggers are always gonna be there'
'Jeff & I.
is that with relationships comes the eventual breakup. and I don't want that with him I still like him. well. obviously. a lot. A lot a lot.
We might as well be with all the good 'not dating's' doin us.
I'm the only girl he calls 'beautiful'. He treats me like a princess and I feel like a princess. We've done a fair bit more than just talking.
And we've fallen for each other pretty damn fast. He's nice and funny and sweet and.....it's touching to know that someone's looking out for me, the way my dad. um. didn't.
oh and he's kindof hot too. Bald, built. these deep clouded blue eyes.
yeah.........no wonder I fell for him.
and I can totally be myself around him........I can be happy or sad or lonely or cute.
I'm always thinking about him.......I miss him when we don't hang out.......his friends like me, although. that's pretty much a given.
The first time we hung out he was scared to kiss me for 3 hours. omygod. how cute is that?
I'm happier.
he has me feeling beautiful and wanted and loved. and deserving.
he cooks.......he wants to take me out dancing. oh, dancing! it's incredibly romantic and old fashioned. lovely.
he gives off heat which is a turn on........
has tattoos. ooh I found my James Dean.
ok I'll stop gushing. or. not?
:) '
'So lately - within these past few days - I'll have spurts of sleep. I'll sleep for a few hours and then upon waking, that moment when I realise that I am awake [as in, I'm conscious] I'll get crabby.
But maybe it's just because I really love sleep and I miss it when I wake up.
I definately don't sleep as well when I'm not sleeping [as in, actually sleeping. not 'bedding'] with someone.
Oh, also. I'm nocturnal, so I think of 11 p.m. as being 'oh it's still early'. And, I'm up till 2 a.m. and then at 7 [a.m.] it's 'it's too damn early to be up'.
which I think is because I'm more tired at 7 than I am 2.
And this doesn't allow for notes because.........some, upon reading it, might think I want advice. I don't. '
'So, last Thursday. My mom, John, Carol and I are in their living room. Mom's telling them about the visit they had with Kelsey, Dad's cousin
Backtracking; last week, Dad's cousin Kelsey came into town. She, my parents, John and Carol had dinner over at John and Carol's.
So, Kelsey was over at the parents with her friend. She asked where the bathroom was. Mom gave her directions, telling her 'turn right' which apparently didn't mean anything to her, as she thinks differently.
Upon hearing this, my grandmother [Carol] said to me "but you know where the bathroom is. That was a joke".
I sat there, awkwardly. I didn't find it funny at all and I'm not supposed to say that. No I'm not supposed to say anything when my grandmother makes those remarks.
I said "people think differently" to which she replied "yes I'm beginning to find that out".
Again, if you haven't anything nice to say than shut it. Really.
And I usually do.
It was. really insulting. It was sortof implying Kelsey's.......developmentally disabled. Which, actually, is an insult to the developmentally disabled.
And she's not. she has bipolar and something called displasia.
On a side note, I don't think senior citizens understand that men and women can just be friends.'
'omygod.
So twice in the past week my sister's mentioned that she either has been worried me [at present] or does worry about me [overall], I don't remember which.
Look. She's my younger sister. [well I only have 1 sister]. I don't need my younger sister worrying about me, whose older. That's.....a little unatural, honestly. It "should" be the other way around.
I don't worry about her. And I don't have a reason to. I trust her enough that, if something goes awry, to do the right thing. I'm not going to tell her what to do/not do. I'm not going to tell her 'hey don't take a cab late at night because the cabbie might want to hook up with you'. That's her decision, her mistake to make. Not mine.
nor am I going to tell anyone else what to do/not do.
Which, obviously means she's got a reason to worry about me, as of late.
I still want to know how she found out I smoked. Who'd she find out from?
Since Michael and I aren't friends any more I don't smoke anymore.
See, this is exactly why I have to be careful what I post on FB. Is because Kate also has a FB and since I'm not that open with her........
honestly yeah it feels a little pushy. And if you push me then you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting anywhere. er. yeah.
I'm not comfortable enough with her to tell her this. [god how many times do I have to go over that].
Now ok yeah I can see how by not being open with her that'd worry her. Yes just because I can tell her stuff doesn't mean I will. In fact I probably won't.'
'his touch....his kisses.....the nearness of him. like that song.
We're going to dinner and a movie....karaoke by my place....out dancing. oh dancing. sigh swoon. at some point.
I love it that he wants to buy me breakfast and cook dinner for me. He's helping me immensely with recovery. Hell I'd love it if any guy cooked for me.
i'm totally his princess
:) '
'.....disorder.
First, because of what I now refer to as 'the Friday [morning] incident', um. I was depressed. and, idinno. wow-ed. that. nothing happened.
So, up untill I told a friend, I was quieter than usual, as happens when something's really bothering me.
And then I was anxious.
idinno, they balance each other out, the depression and the anxiety. I wrote about this exact subject somewhere ago.
'somewhere ago' what an interesting line.
So, as put. yesterday was the very essence of my mental disorder.
I........today I was depressed. because it was cloudy thank you SAD. and anxious/restless.
depressed? or lonely hm....
can clouds cause loneliness?
well yes, obviously. the line 'i wandered lonely as a cloud' makes sense though i've not ever seen a cloud wander.
we humanize everything
this is not an entry to gain sympathy. this is an entry as a musing.'
'8th
This was actually from yesterday.
yesterday was not a good recovery day. well it wasn't horrible.
I went to the store around 3 and was just. idinno. off. dizzy. I've been eating well not much not sure why. I'm so damn tired of pasta. I mean I have food god knows I have food. I just. well, as said.
I know this is a bit hard to follow as I'm anxious right now.
so, anyway. I'm always hungry. I've been eating pudding. and wow yogurt.
Backtrack; what I meant was, I have other food besides pasta to eat.
I need more fruit. I haven't eaten fruit in weeks. "how can you have more when you haven't had any?" you mean how can you have less.
Walking home yesterday I had a small apple from one of 'my' 2 apple trees. that I wrote about in a recent entry.
I figured, I need the sugar. and, it's free food. There's something natural about sitting down and eating/drinking. I guess it's because the food comes from nature so it only makes sense.
I felt a bit better after I had the apple.
I don't think I'm just hungry physically. it's also sexually as i've gone over several times.
i was out of it yesterday and tired.
sorry for any confusion'
'This happened Thursday.
So my great aunt Jean phoned my grandparents. My grandmother was saying she couldn't hear very well, the phone call. And my grandfather proceeded to ignore her!
it was very rude
I hate it when people are ignored'
'It's been. a long time since I was intimate with a guy on more than 1 occassion. [a] long time.
I mean there was Shawn.......and Ru.....neither of whom want to talk to me.
With him, my ex. We were very physical. this should be a given being that, after all he assaulted me.
Well, rather. he was physical with me. I really didn't do a whole lot there. sure yeah we made out but that was all er....rather how I contributed to it.
And/whereas, with Jeff it's physical and communicative, which is really. really good. god we fell for each other fast. It's been. a long time since I was intimate with a guy on more than 1 occassion. [a] long time.
I mean there was Shawn.......and Ru.....neither of whom want to talk to me.
With him, my ex. We were very physical. this should be a given being that, after all he assaulted me.
Well, rather. he was physical with me. I really didn't do a whole lot there. sure yeah we made out but that was all er....rather how I contributed to it.
And/whereas, with Jeff it's physical and communicative, which is really. really good. god we fell for each other fast.
I don't want to dive headfirst into a relationship. After all we only just started hanging out.
and again as said I don't want the eventual breakup. I want all the couple-y things without us ever actually being officially a couple.
we make out we cuddle......it's really sweet. and tempting. I'm constantly thinking about him......writing about him as has been made evident here.
me and my damn rule. well it is my rule to break. that's what Kate Hepburn said, "if you never break any of the rules you never have any of the fun".
But I decided upon this rule for a reason.
I'm totally cool being on the line, as it were and yet.....it seems I want more.
he thinks I'm beautiful so I don't have to try to be even moreso such a relief.
eventually I'm hoping to get to the point where he'll see more of me, physically.
I mean, I can see this goin somewhere. As in, yes I absolutely want to hangout with Jeff some more.'
'9th
Ru, Shawn, Jordan, Jeff.......ok so not that Jeff's 'left'; I just haven't heard from him. same with Phil.
With Shawn, he literally up and left.
It's not only, leave a note if you're going to leave when I'm asleep because it's doing the right thing, it's also that's how it was for me growing up. moreso in high school. If you were going out, to the mall, wherever you either told someone or left a note.
Ru and Jordan, as said. have gone back to their native states.
oh and Mike [yeah......dating someone w/ the same name as my dad. for some reason that's a little weird] just wanted sex from me. That was last Sunday morning.
He respected me enough to leave.
After my 23rd I'll message/phone Phil, something along the lines of 'hey did I do something.....?'. he and I got on quite well -god we talked for 5 straight hours - and then.'
'I'll date a woman who has kids.
I don't have anything against kids.
Even though I'm not looking to settle down [good god i'm only almost 23] maybe....hm.....it's a subconscious thing. Or maybe I want to be his 'one and only'.
I'm also not interactive around kids/dogs. You know how some people get all animated around both? yeah I'm not one of them. I'm more of an observer.'
'so my weekend was ok.
Saturday I didn't do anything. Yesterday I waited around for Jeff to phone/email as we'd made plans to hangout after he got done with work. I also read a bit.
I think I wrote poetry at some point, which I've been doing more.
Reading poetry always puts me in the mindset to write it. I'm really liking my new poems.
yeah, so nothing much happened. it was pretty boring, actually. as usual.'
'For those who don't know it's almost my 23rd, next Tuesday. 23 seems like a good age. I don't know being that I'm not there yet. But I won't be 33 for another 10 years.....oh good lord.
sorry, that didn't make sense the way I phrased it.......I meant, I'm 22 now. and the next time I'll be 2 of the same number is in 10 years. There's a term for that......would it be 'palindrome'?...yeah.
that was a weird movie.
um, anyway.
so I'm hoping Jeff'll come over around 2, with lilies, my favorite. We'll hangout for an hour before my parents come and then we'll all go over to my grandparents. At some point Jeff's going to take me out dancing. I hope.
Being that I've never been out dancing......and, it's my birthday, so. It'll be wonderful.
Other than that I'm not sure what I want from my parents. Something meaningful/practical. I always want something meaningful for a gift. where you can tell the person's put a lot of thought into it. I emailed Kate a list of a few items the other week.
That'd be an absolute great thing, if Kate came into town for my 23rd. Last year's birthday was great. We had a small family get together then Evan [Kate's ex], Kate and I went to a diner then Target for a bit then an outdoor showing of Mamma Mia right in the middle of a lightning storm. god it was incredible.
Kate baked me this chocolate cake with this weird sour cream frosting. We had cute mini quiches.
*oh and my friend Lindsey's coming next week, too.
**Lindsey might come it's still up in the air'
'oh jeez.
Dr. Phil episode today, triggering. it was about shattered mother-daughter relationships.
So, I told Jeff about the 'Friday [morning] incident'. And he's like, 'I'm sorry that happened to you'.
No, it's fine. You don't have to be there with me when I fall. It's. fine. it really.......really......is.
what hurts is knowing what a lie that is.
I'm incredibly hostile towards the world. and dark, and resentful. very.
I've had to be. fuk ever since I was 17 I've fukin had to be.
yes I'm a drama queen but what's new. Aren't we all? Isn't that why they notify us on commercials that they're 'overdramatised' or. whatever it is they say.
least I'm not alone there.
Anyway......the Dr. Phil ep.'s got me thinkin about my own relationship with my parents. For the longest time I was remembering my mom as who she was rather than who she is now.
Yeah believe it or not, the woman actually has a lot of good qualities.
as for my dad......well, I haven't tried. Part of it is my pushing him away. It's not my fault he triggers me. sure not that much but it's still. it's still there.
<< : birthday plans e he makes my skin crawl : >>
you don't have to protect me [Friends Only Entry] Monday, August 09, 2010
oh jeez.
Dr. Phil episode today, triggering. it was about shattered mother-daughter relationships.
So, I told Jeff about the 'Friday [morning] incident'. And he's like, 'I'm sorry that happened to you'.
No, it's fine. You don't have to be there with me when I fall. It's. fine. it really.......really......is.
what hurts is knowing what a lie that is.
I'm incredibly hostile towards the world. and dark, and resentful. very.
I've had to be. fuk ever since I was 17 I've fukin had to be.
yes I'm a drama queen but what's new. Aren't we all? Isn't that why they notify us on commercials that they're 'overdramatised' or. whatever it is they say.
least I'm not alone there.
Anyway......the Dr. Phil ep.'s got me thinkin about my own relationship with my parents. For the longest time I was remembering my mom as who she was rather than who she is now.
Yeah believe it or not, the woman actually has a lot of good qualities.
as for my dad......well, I haven't tried. Part of it is my pushing him away. It's not my fault he triggers me. sure not that much but it's still. it's still there.
and I shouldn't ignore the assault as though it didn't happen didn't change me. because it did.
and part of it is him. even if I explained it to him he wouldn't get it.
I want a dad I do. That's what I look for in every guy, friend or more. Is for someone to protect me. the way he didn't.
I frankly don't care what his reasoning was.'
'10th
omygod.
i am. disgusting. that's how i feel.
Last night I.....I did something I shouldn't've. I know better.
[and no I didn't arbitrarily have sex with the man]
I'm 23. er. almost. and he's..........we won't even. but he sure as fuk isn't 28. that's my age limit, 21 - 28.
yeah. i know i know i know.
we got to talking while i was downtown waiting for someone else.
Early this morning I told him to leave my house. Actually my exact words were "I can't have you in my house anymore".
I'm a nice person. If you say hi to me and sit next to me I won't not talk to you.
he wanted to........undress me a little.
god.
no.
When he was at the door 'so for some reason you're scared of me.......?'.
are you really that fukin ......oblivious?
ya know who he reminds me of? Those groomers, the kind Oprah talks about.
yeah.
That's why he left.
I'm being vague on purpose.
This doesn't allow for notes because. I don't want your judgements. I don't want your opinion. I've written my piece.'
'and anxious. god it's been a long day.
I'm hoping to go out for drinks in a couple of hours. i got nothin to do, love meeting new people [well. then again who doesn't. like, no one wants to meet boring people lol] and like to drink.
um.....right so yeah. I'm still angry about this morning. he tried to undress me a bit. alrite, A; don't do something for me I can do myself and 2; no ok? just, no. you will not.
Oh he also triggered me. um, his hand went.....somewhere it never should. And I told him that too; "you are never to do that again".
When he left, I was torn between wanting to help him and my own safety. and. i chose the latter.
the hell kinda person does that?
usually I wish people the best. but with him it's just.......well, frankly. i don't care. i don't want to ever see him again. I'm scared - er...wary? - to go downtown by myself durin the day. yes eventually that will fade. I know that.
doesn't change the present fear though.
No you do not and will not ever, make me feel less than I am. it took me a damn long time to feel as good as I do about myself now. damn long.
he started talking about kissing and that's when it clicked, the 'groomer', as it were, thing.
And thank god I was smart enough to realise that and tell him to leave. Damn right I got good intution.
it's come the hard way.
If a woman says 'no', and. it doesn't even have to be sexually - then you have to stop whatever that is.
*my high school geometry teacher, Mr. B., told us on the first day of class to 'do the right thing'. he doesn't know how well that lesson's served me.
**yes, aforementioned guy has a name. i just......there's a reason he's not being named
*he, - said guy, not Mr. B - is one of those people who's just so far gone ya can't help him. god I have more fukin self confidence than him. and that's sayin a lot. he is the very essence of everything dark in me.'
'11th
So yesterday afternoon, another friend [friend? acquaintance?] and I hung out. We talked, I flirted a little [for a girl that hasn't dated a lot.....]. He's an interesting person, nice, talks a lot, fairly attractive but......I just don't like him in that way.
but I can't - or, really. shouldn't - expect to have feelings for every guy that comes along.
hell with my sex drive, I'll flirt with anyone.
but you can be physically attracted to someone without actually being sexually attracted to them. As in, without having feelings for them.
And apparently, according to his email, I led him on. well now that I think about it yeah I kinda did.
wow. oh god now i've become one of 'those' girls.
I'm not sure how to feel about it. bad, good, it just is?........ '
'I'm not the type who dates a lot. I'll get to know people, hang out but I don't really consider that a "date". A date would be, like. going to a nice restuarant, and/or a candlelit dinner w/ wine.
And honestly. I don't expect someone to take me out the first time we hang out. Or to cook for me, although that's always touching. and greatly appreciated. If they want to, fine, but I am not that high maintenance.
I guess when some guys think of dating they think of actually going out somewhere on a date.
For me, it's more about the companionship. than the money. and I don't want my love to be bought. you don't have to buy me flowers to get into my 'good graces', as it were. [although. it certainly doesn't hurt].
my dad tried to buy me love. still does, in fact. so, that's another reason why I don't want that.'
'well I had a nice outing. I went and got a smoothie at King's. strawberry banana. went and sat against the wall. Different perspective when you sit low. as opposed to at a table.
It's actually more comfortable for me to sit with my legs curled under me, which some guys can't do as it's anatomically correct. I just recently learned that's why they sit wide.
but it's really not fair to the women, as then we have to 'sit narrow'.
I people-watched. We go by so many people every day - and places, too - without ever really noticing them. Paris is a great spot for that, people-watching.
on the way to my place, I saw a senior citizen in this black dress with big light pink flowers on it. i liked it.
I said hi to another, she nodded at me.
came to some conclusions......
with 'downtown guy', there's really not much I can do about the situation. it still angers me. [if anyone's missed this it's been in the most recent entries].
Whereas with Ryan [the guy I hungout with yesterday]. I don't want [well I mean I do but it wouldn't be fair. or right] to lead him on and make him think there'll be something more. as there won't.
He's a nice guy I just. as said.
apparently I was rude to him yesterday?....I don't remember that.........I'm sure it happened I just. well. as said. I also was pretty tired.
'course, it's really my fault for leading him on god i feel so bad about that.
It's not that I don't want to hang out it's that......well. yeah.
if we hang out and you're attractive and nice to me then yeah I will flirt with you. and yet I don't have the confidence to go up to some random guy and flirt with them.
I'm a nice person and I try to be honest and considerate but at the same time......I'm a woman. I'm sorry I'm fairly attractive but there really. isn't a whole lot I can do about that. [a lot of help that is].
so yeah.'
'12th
and no wonder I like the song 'The Lady Is A Tramp'. i was.
I didn't have to talk to the guy. I didn't have to be nice to him.
no that was my choice my fault. I'm a very confused person inside.
I was the one who got so damn caught up in the moment that I didn't stop and tell him to leave before he got to my place. I didn't tell him no then.
the people on the bus had it figured out.
I made a mistake that could've fukin cost me.
just because i want validation doesn't mean I have to go to such lengths. yes I'm ashamed yes. I'm angry. with me.
as I very well should be. I know how it sounds. I know people are going to judge me and put me in 'that' catagory.
my point?
I've learned from it.
shit happens life goes on'
'13th
So if I'm at a bar waiting for a friend, should I order a drink ahead of time?
I don't want to be intoxicated when said friend shows, as I don't want to make them uncomfortable.
Opinion?
Thanks! '
'14th
i'm actually pretty damn knackered right now. so excuse any mis-spellings and such.
Well currently, I've been mellow/depressed/lonely. I always get drained after I'm angry which is why I don't like being angry.
I slept surprisingly well - with the exception of being awakened at 7something a.m. by a damn lawnmower outside my kitchen window which I'd left open - and when I woke up at 10 [a.m.] I felt like a goddess.
but that's because. I had a hell of a night. in a good way a very good way.
so........I've not wanted to go out and do stuff, I'd rather stay in w/ a bit of company. I've been writing more poetry.
I don't want the whole going-to-a-bar thing w/ a guy because emotionally for me right now it involves........er, no not 'involves'. ok, feels like....a lot.
onto my week;
hm, so on Wednesday a friend [friend? acquintance? I was thinking about that today. Even if the person you're meeting isn't technically what you'd. call. a 'friend' yet, the word's easier to say.] and I went to a bar, then stargazing at the park by my place, which was nice. It was our first formal date, went well.
so........at the park I told him about the whole.......'downtown guy' thing. incident*. and, said friend judged me somewhat telling me how devestated everyone'd be were anything [else, i.e., assault] to happen to me.
erm. you mean, aside from the relapses into hell?
That's never stopped me before. As gone over on several accounts, I'm pretty good at keeping things under wraps.
my family doesn't know about my relapses. they never have and. I can be pretty damn sure they never will. we're not that close. he just assumed.
As though my family'd be the first people I'd phone. um. no.
said 'friend' said I'd be perfectly likeable [sp?] if I weren't such a 'basket case', as he so eloquently put it. it's ok i'm fuked up you can say it.
But see, ........most people don't know how really broken I am. because to them I'm not. I mean that's not exactly something you admit to people straightaway.
it's pretty damn ironic.......I'm seemingly the most composed person. but yet i'm actually not.
[yes I'm that chick from Breakfast Club, the 'basket case'].
I am effin like-able. but..........I feel like I have to prove it to him because he implied........no, really what the fuk gives him the right?
and. we've not contacted each other in awhile.
........there's more........ '
'cont'd from previous entry.
So then Thursday, my mom and I went to her parents then over to my dad's parents. My grandmother didn't answer the door and I was honestly relieved. She's selfish and I don't want to be around that.
My mom went back to their place while I went to Panera and got a mango smoothie then on to Pete's Coffee where I got a chocolate croissant. it was good. I gave them a tip.
After which I went to their place. Mom showed me her backyard garden. Dad wasn't there. I was, again. relieved. I borrowed 2 CDs, K.D. Lang and Louis Prima.
Then Mom and I went to this meeting with some people about work. Somewhat like a Voc Rehab type of thing.
I went back to my place and grocery shopped.
It'd been a fairly busy day.
Oh and a friend and I hung out that night......and er. we were intimate. I was planning to write poetry which was pretty much abandoned.
Out of all the new guys I've met I've only hit it off with about 2. Well and Ru but he went back to Georgia, so. And that's why I like email, as you can get to know someone a bit get a feel for them and then decide if you really want to hang out.
So onto Friday [yesterday]........... '
'sorry.
So I evidently needed to clarify. which I'm not annoyed by.
I meant.......when I'm at a bar meeting someone, yes, I usually order water. Should I order something alcoholic?
I don't want to be partially intoxicated when the person gets there......were you on the hypothetical opposite end of this would it bother you? Please be honest.
Opinions?
[i'm potentially overthinking this]
and thank you.'
'So yesterday, as mentioned, I slept really well. woke up at 10.
Dad called, telling me they needed the serial # for the printer [oh. yeah. on Thursday Mom brought over new printer cartridges for me] which were in the recycling. and to bring over 1 of my 3 remotes to see if it works. I told him 'today won't work for me' as I didn't want anyone to 'rain on my parade', as it were.
which ended up happening anyway.
So that afternoon Jordan and I finally got together downtown. He's one of the guys who's almost intimidatingly good looking. when I saw him the first thing I thought was 'wow' so I had to take a moment. He's nice but that's all he is. Likes repelling [not too sure what that is but I know it has to do with rock climbing] and outdoorsy type things.
I like the outdoors I'm just not that active, it's not my thing.
He likes people, whereas I don't. he's the type to say 'hi' to just about anyone.....and he will.
He's Catholic. I've nothing against religion it's just. again. not my thing.
So he talked for the whole hour. It was nice but that'sall. I need to have friends who don't always feel like they need to talk. and honestly those type of people makeme anxious.
i was actually really relieved when it all ended, to be on the bus going back to my place. the people on the bus talked but not to me.
Jordan's the kindof guy who's everyone's friend. nothing wrong with that but it's not what I'm looking for, somone who's just 'the friend'.
I'm much too polite to be straight w/ someone and tell them 'look I don't care for you enough to want to hangout w/ you' [again]. See that's why I like email, so we can get to know each other get a feel for each other and then decide if we really want to hangout. That way, no one's gone to any trouble nor is time wasted.
so then. later that night Ian and I hungout at my place. he's sweet. and doesn't feel like he always needs to talk. I can definately see us being more than friends but also. I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
then today...........
I went grocery shopping. that was it.
so yeah. I've had a fairly busy week.'
'but what's new.
so, Thursday, my dad came over to install my new toilet.
and, not only that but he also.....
*put the empty body wash bottle that was on the bathroom floor on the counter [alrite i can see his reasoning for that though i can't explain it yet]
*took the 2 containers of toilet bowl cleaner out of their box
*put the trash can aside the new toilet instead of where it usually is, opposite the toilet against my bedroom door [why he did this i don't know. and i really 'don't care enough for him', as it were, to ask]
and........
*closed and locked my balcony door. I'd subconsciosly left it unlocked. when Mom commented on this while we were at CostCo that day I told her I get why they want it locked. I told her/Dad I'd try and do better.
which I won't and yes. partially out of spite.
also. don't do something for me I can do myself. if i need help i'll ask.
but, really. there's like, a 30% chance someone'll enter via my balcony door. I'm home/awake most of the day. The only reason I'm more 'worried' about it is because they are.
[yes i realise that's like "asking for it"]
This doesn't allow for notes because.....I don't want your opinion'
'......than I already do[/did].
oh, 'him' being Tom, the guy I had the date with on......Wednesday I think it was.
I felt like that girl from The Scarlet Letter.
Tom somewhat judged me, gave me the whole 'what the hell were you thinking/yeah you should feel bad/you've betrayed everyone'...thing. which I would've come to eventually, on my own.
I don't need to feel more shunned than I already do. isolated. labeled a whore.
that....really didn't help.
In a way, Tom's a lot like my mom. not all that supportive, more practical.
not that my mom knows about my. er. 'casual'/romantic encounters. which makes it sound like I'm doing more w/ a guy than I actually am.
as she doesn't.
to be discreet I won't go into detail about such matters'
'16th
omygod i've been a bitch lately. wow.
so, this one guy wants to have sex with me. and. as i've made pretty clear i want sex.
The only reason I'm not is because of um. the risks. STDs/pregnancy.
now i don't have any STDs. i never have.
I'm not letting him have sex because I'm not letting myself have sex, therefore not helping either of us. really? selfish much?
I have condoms. I have Plan B. I have the number for Planned Parenthood in my phone.
so really. i should be ok.
i'm almost fregin 23. i shouldn't let other people tell me what to do/not do. and yet...i am.
sex is viewed as such a bad thing in our society as opposed to.er. whereas in Europe......there'r prostitues everywhere.
yes but why? '
'17th
depending on where you live it's already my birthday or it will be in an hour.
I had a lovely ending to 22. I made out w/ a friend. Oh and I attempted something sexual, didn't get very far. I'll keep it discreet. he understood but knows I'd be great at it. I should be proud of myself.
[yes i have friends i don't make out with lol]
23 seems like a good age. Dinner and dancing tonight w/ another friend.
:) '
'19th
So apparently, my neighbor [ok well technically he's not my neighbor anymore. I only refer to him as such because he was a tenant at my parents' place before he moved out for a few years. His wife's Japanese and still lives there, they're both about in their 50's] is back in town for awhile, as he's having an operation Friday. He won't go through chemo, which I used to think wasn't a choice.
He has cancer, lymphona I think. which my grandfather had in the '80's.
I don't know him that well but wish him the best, and I'm hoping all who read this will too.
Thank you'
'I don't want to be the girl some guy fuks [yes. in the literal sense] to:
1: work out his issues
and
B: then leave right after
The problem with 1 is that no, that's not how I help people. I help people, by talking to them. I was talking w/ a friend of mine Sunday and he's like 'no that's not what I need'.
I think I'd like sex were I to have it but that's not who I am.
And I hadn't realised untill now that that's how some guys work out their issues.
I told him if he ever needed someone to talk to........and then he goes and says/does that. um. whoa ok then sorry for trying/wanting to help.
If you want to work out your issues by having sex then yeah fine whatever. not my thing. people work out their issues different ways and that. isn't mine.
but it sure as hell won't be with me. I know I'm hot but......well. as said.
It's an 'if'. It's not 'ok you have to do this'. same thing as when I have company. If they want something to eat they're welcome to browse through my cabinets. If.
And well, the latter of this entry [B], I'd just end up feeling like a whore.......yeah.....um, no.'
'21st
so, as stated, I've been trying to get to know new people.
And......I emailed this guy. He asks me which I prefer, beer or wine. I answer wine.
he then proceeds to email me back, stating he'll be bringing a bottle of wine to my place.
This all happened Thursday.
I spent the night at a friend's, got back yesterday around 6 a.m., slept all day at 8 which was when the guy and I were planning to meet.
[for the record I meet new people at Safeway. 1; it's less confusing than my place and B; it's within walking distance so that way if said person doesn't show, I'm not there stranded].
When I woke up last night around 8, I email him and tell him tonight [last night] won't work.
Had I wanted to actually hang out with him I would've made plans to reschedule. I didn't, no not after that.
It's not that I don't like to drink; it's that, when I read that I'm like ok, whoa. he's bringing wine so he can get me drunk so he can have sex with me.
um yeah.....i'll go with no on that.
and maybe that wasn't his intent. it's just automatically where my mind went.
i didn't lie. i don't owe him any more explanation than that.
ya know? '
'oh. yeah. as of Wed/Thursday, I'm taken.
So, Thursday I spent the night at my friend Kevin's, up in Golden. at Mines, actually. [I know 4 people who go there.....him, my cousin Kelly, my good friend Susie and Bryan. my boyfriend. but more on him later]. And Kevin and I were talking. I told him that I'm not a happy person. [but I'm nice]. As I hate when people assume I am and then I'm er. 'leading them on', as it were, under false pretenses and then it's awkward for me and........yeah.
so Kevin's a happy person. there really isn't any reason to bring him into my dark world. I'm keeping him at a distance.
So it's not just that were I single we'd be together. no. it's that he's happy, i'm not.
Honestly?
Happy people are a bit much for me. they're like dogs. and I'm pretty mellow.
oh, so he knows I cut. and he was asking me questions [which is fine, because I'd much rather have someone ask and be informed than ignorant. i'm the same way] and he went 'but you're past that right?' 'well i haven't done it all summer......yeah'.
Part of it is that that's always going to be my mindset, just as being an artist is. But just because I haven't doesn't mean I won't in the winter. Who wants to be with a chick with fresh cuts?
I'm sorry, I know that's offensive. i'm not meaning to offend, I'm being frank.
[yes there's a difference between being honest and being frank, for me, anyway. Being frank is when honesty is going to hurt someone].
Well I mean, I'd be w/ a chick w/ fresh cuts.
Kevin won't want to hang out w/ me in the winter that's for damn sure. that's when I'm at my worst.......
I have chronic/clinical depression/SAD. I have since I was 14. and I always will.
oh and if you're going to note me in regards to this entry and be rude about it, then don't.
This doesn't allow for notes because.......I don't want any.'
'alrite, so.
Earlier this weekmy dad gives me a new remote [that was actually the morning Bryan stayed over, Thursday]. Well, I tried to turn on the converter box thing w/ that remote......realised it's missing its batteries. Put new ones in, tried again. yeah.....it still wouldn't turn on w/ the new remote.
so I turned the tv and converter box on manually.
I still don't get any of the channels.well. so much for my dad being able to fix things if he somehow managed to 'butcher', as it were, the damn tv. wow.
I'm gettin somewhere here........ok I'm there.
so. I always eat in front of the tv. unless I'm, you know. out. since my tv doesn't work I haven't been eating. as much.
Given that before when I've relapsed the tv was working I......really don't think that's the only reason I'm relapsing a bit here.
so, the night/morning [Thursday into Friday] I was at Kevin's, we were cuddling. and he goes 'you need to eat'.
oh good god. if i had a dollar for every time i heard that.........no, really. really? thank you. captain obvious. i've known that since last summer.
and that's part of it. don't tell me to eat and don't tell me not to eat. those are [I really need to start capitalising. I'm so used to not, from my status updates on FB] the 2 worst things you can tell me.
If ya tell me what to do then I'll do the exact opposite.'
'22nd
So, the other night/morning, Bryan and I were lying on my bed [yes I will write about him eventually.] [he's about 6 ft] and he stretched. On a shelf at the foot of my bed there'r all some photos........framed. picture frames, those.
One of which are encased butterflies in. glass.
And he accidentally knocked it down with his foot. didn't break it though.
I got it from my dad so, in a way, it makes sense. Like.......hm.......my dad basically failed at being one for the last 5, 6 years [do not. pity me. this is a fact] .........
god wow i'm not making sense.
Like, ok. If things were great between my dad and I then the frame wouldn't've been knocked over.
He also 'knocked down the butterfly'.........being me. If my dad'd been there then I wouldn've been so damn vulnerable at 17 and therefore not have gotten assaultted.....fragile vulnerability.
sorry. i don't know how else to explain this.......if anyone who's read this entry knows of a better way please tell me.'
'.......better this way.
More on 'downtown guy'.
When he approached me, a few weeks ago, what tipped me the fuk off was that he was just so calm. Had he not been I would've known right away 'oh shit somethin's wrong'.
and he wouldn't've been at my place and.......yeah.
I now don't want to buy boxed Indian food [not the frozen kind, the other kind] because that night he was going to make me Indian food.
Upon thinking about it......his daughters are a little older than me. that's.....that's like saying......yeah. i know. it's disgusting.
but, ya know. I learned from it. shit happens life. goes on. [in the words of Robert Frost].
and I now don't want to go to the park and stargaze [let me clarify. with someone] because the 2nd time I went to a bar, it was for a formal date w/ Tom, [he's the guy who was 'what the hell were you thinking/you've betrayed everyone']. After we got back we went to the park and stargazed which. made me feel pretty damn awful. not the stargazing. what he told me that night.
but I've not talked to either of them since. and frankly. I don't want to.
but maybe, maybe......maybe it's better this way. A hell of a lot harder, but better. Isn't it always though? As in, it's better for me to recover from my eating disorder. which. is a bitch.
which I have been for a year and 2 months, almost 3 next month.
and even [again] if I'm eating well.....the stuff's still going to be there. the emotions the issues the fact that i don't have closure.
there was a time when I almost went back on that promise on that vow I made to myself last summer.......which. was. I will not end up like Karen Carpenter.
I'm not afraid of dying [no, really? I have an eating disorder. so obviously I'm not afraid of dying] I'm just afraid of dying from my disease. because that's what it is, a disease. you can sugarcoat it however you want but what it really comes down to. is that.
On the topic of addictions, given the choice between having company and cutting.......I'm trying. I know winter's coming [she writes, at midnight on August 21] and, well. as said. I hate winter. it's dark it's cold it's depressing. I'm astounded I survived Vermont, what with my SAD and all.
I'm also astounded that yeah. i'm still here.
your body wants you to live and it will do everything in its power to make sure you do live.
even if you don't want to.
right, so. part of the reason I've been trying to get to know new people is so that I don't end up that depressed. so that I don't cut. now that doesn't mean I still won't want to. it just means......hey I'm trying.
and there's a lot to be said in that statement.
so............my original point was.......?.........
oh. right.
that.
maybe it's better this way, that I've not talked to 'downtown guy' or Tom or Brandon [I wrote that entry about not wanting to be the girl that a guy has sex with to work out his issues because. apparently. that's what Brandon does. yes I'll explain this better] or Jeff. or Phil.
or Michael.......oh god Michael. Jacob.
or Ru.
I mean yeah I care about them and I wish them the best, as I do everyone but......ya know. I'm trying really hard to keep that in mind.
that it's better.
[Jacob being my ex].
This doesn't allow for notes because......?.......I'm not really sure why. the reason's vague.'
'I was thinking about this the morning [Friday] Bryan and I were lying on my bed. He'd told me he couldn't sleep at my place. Whereas I can sleep anywhere. Apparently people aren't used to the temperature of my place, which is relatively warm. no but I getthat, I can't sleep if a guy's literally breathing on my neck [evidently this is a turnon for me]. not clothed, anyway.
so, anyway. I was thinking about this when Bryan told me he had to leave........you know how you find yourself thinking random thoughts? yeah.
oh i'm sorry. 'This' being.........my last 'instate' relationship was 5, 6 years ago. And that was the guy who assaulted me. I know Bryan wouldn't and if he or anyone ever does then I won'ttalk to them again. but I mean I have PTSD due to that.
it'll always be there'
'so, a few weeks ago Brandon and I started hanging out [and whatnot. the 'whatnot' being implied intimacy and. such]. He's about 6'4 [I'm 5'4. well. actually I'm 5'5 but 5'4 sounds better], built, dark hair, eyes, tattoos. and he's really.......not that good-looking. I'm much too polite to tell him that. though he already knows.
He's one of the few guys who's found me hot. big surprise there. And yeah, at 22/now 23, I've realised the power I have as a woman. now that being said I won't use my looks to get what I want. I mean I could........but I wouldn't as that'd be wrong.
The day I emailed Brandon was a few after that incident w/ 'downtown guy', actually, and I really needed someone to talk to.
he was/is that sweet guy who has that edge to him. As said, I want that. or at least I did.
He started telling me his past [I'm here to listen]. well apparently, he hasn't been the nicest guy.....I'm the kindof person [as gone over on several accounts] who's nice to everyone, tries not to hurt them, is very careful with people, tries to make everyone else's day easier and so forth. he's........well. he's not.
I get that he's tried to do better, still is. just as we all are.
But because of his past I don't want to be the girl he fuks and then up and leaves. and now that I have a boyfriend I won't have to. but even when I was single I didn't want to be. as I've had that happen before, with Shawn. [er. not that Shawn and I had sex, as we didn't]. and woke up feeling pretty damn awful.
Also...........evidently Brandon's the type of guy who works out his issues by. yeah. having sex. that's not how I help people. If you have an issue I'll gladly talk/email/message you for a few hours and try to help you that way. but I sure as hell am not going to have sex with you every time you have something else going on.
[says the woman who wants, or at least used to, the physical validation of sex to make up for other stuff. yeah i know]
so we haven't talked since'
'well ok maybe not the whole point. but a point.....of email.
I hate it when, I start emailing someone and they put 'hey text me' or 'do you have any photos?'. Firstoff, I don't have texting. i did. once.
And secondly, I'm emailing them to get to know them via email, and get a feel for them.'
'23rd
so, not to sound conceited [which. of course as soon as one says that it becomes automatically all the moreso true] but. I've been told I'm hot. and beautiful. and cute.
Yeah that's flattering.
However......I literally could [now I wouldn't. 2 reasons. 1; as stated, I don't have the confidence to go up to a random guy and start flirting, and B.......] 'get' any guy I want, because of what I just said.
it's scary. it is absolutely terrifying.
Think about it; no guy's going to hit on a chick they don't find somewhat attractive. However, that being said I realise not all guys do that. And, if you do that you won't get very far with me, conversationally or otherwise.
In a weird, subconscious way it's flattering......but. like i said.
and it's scary because I've er......no not I've. There've been 2 incidents that have occured in which the guy wanted to do more than just talk. I didn't let either get very far.
with beauty comes fear'
'well Thursday was pretty crazy. Oh god........so Bryan spent the night.
I slept from 7:40 - 8:40 a.m. [given the night we'djust had. yeah it was good...], got ready [doesn't take me long]. Mom and I checked the mail and went to the grandparents, which was fine.
I got back around 11. Bryan's van was still in its parking space. Right when Mom and I pulled up in front of the garages at my place, I saw Dad. I rushed out, noticing the front door was open. My dad had stopped by to give me the new remote. I told him that today wouldn't work for me, as I was meeting a friend for lunch [which was true. but I really didn't want my dad finding Bryan at my place....no we're not at the 'meet the parents' stage yet. I mean, Dad wouldn't've cared either way but he talks to Mom, so]. Dad left.
I closed and locked the front door, as always. went up to my room noticed the closet door was open. hey my boyfriend literally came out of the closet! I'm like, 90% sure he's straight. [well I mean he has a girlfriend, so. me. although sometimes people with significant others are on both sides. and not that there's anything wrong with being otherwise. i'm joking, if ya can't tell].
Quick thinking on his part. My dad never goes into my room/the closet of my room and when Mom and I were visiting the grandparents I thought 'this will be the one day he does'.
omygod.
So Bryan and I waited around for my friend to call. She phoned, he drove me to the mall [apparently the guy's not a fan of PDA. but more on that later]. Susie [said friend] and I had lunch at the CA Pizza Kitchen and caught up. She had pizza, of course. I had pasta. she paid.
we went to Godiva where I bought her chocolates and then Cali & Mo. just a lovely store.
went outside, where we talked about sex. She was very helpful and it's nice to know that if I'm ever in over my head in regards to sex, I can phone her.
so then I went home.'
'this all happened Thursday night.
So, I got back between 4 and 5 p.m. got ready to go out. I slept untill about 7, when Kevin phoned. He emailed me, stating he was going to be at my place between 5 and 5:25.
When he got to my place we hugged. [big fan]. I sat in the front of this giant......vehicle. think it was a jeep. I met Alec, David and 2 others whose names I don't remember. We drove to the Slam Bar, don't remember where it is. One of the guys pointed out it was a weird name for a bar. yeah. it is.
When we got there we got ID-ed then sat down in a booth. We drove under this blue-gray sky, big clouds. It was so nice. the windows were rolled down so, as Sinatra said, 'she likes the free fresh wind in her hair'.
The bar was pretty crowded. I ordered water and fried, Kevin got a malibu for me. [what a nice guy. he really is though].
I went over to a girl about my age, maybe older, touched her arm, said 'excuse me' [as she was talking] and complimented her on her dress.
A few minutes later I talked to this guy a bit about his work, then this group of guys, one of whom had er.........I mean, I got [as in, perceieved] from him that he wanted sex, partially due to all the hot gorgeous women around. and......partially because I was flirting.
when I got back to the table one of Kevin's friends asked me what I usually ask when I talk to guys. Usually? um. this is my first time.......I don't, usually. talk to random guys.
[for the record, it's 'how are you how's your night going?'].
I told the guys that if they were too shy to talk to a girl I would. and I will too. i'm just that cool.
I ate my fries and then the bikini contest started. some of the guys stood on the table. I leaned against Kevin. [apparently. if you're a friend of mine and I'm comfortable around you I'll do that]. we watched the contest on one of the tvs. I drank most of my malibu. one of the girls was too perky, another didn't know how to pole dance. cmon I could dance better than her!
I felt outnumbered, with all the hot women around.
and then one of them came over and talked to us.....she was stunning. This long dark hair, tan skin and light blue eyes. I flirted. she was super nice too. 25, Miranda. and when I flirt I'm genuine. I offered her some fries.
she was so cool and then she had to leave.
but it was really cool hanging out with her.
Earlier, the guys were standing, making a sortof 'wall' in front of the booth. I felt very secure. nice to know Kevin's lookin out for me. he's a really cool guy.
so then, near the end of the night, I went on the dance floor and started dancing. yeah I turned a few heads......as always. this one girl started doing that 'grind' dancing with me. we didn't talk, it was nice. I smelled her [not in a weird way. you know, because she was in such close proximity to me. she smelled good]. I think it was Alec who came over and spun me, dipping me. I saw the electric lights above me when he did that.
oh it was charming. I've never done that before.
I didn't even think he'd do that, as I was fine dancing by myself.'
'25th
with my boyfriend. this morning, around er....between 2,3 a.m.
And apparently, I bled a bit. but.....since I've been penetrated before [during the assault] I shouldn't've bled. right?
I didn't orgasm which was disappointing.
upon thinking about it, I'm probably not the first woman to 1; bleed during and B; not orgasm.
that confused me.
idinno. yeah it did kindof suck but apparently, your first time will suck.
he kept slipping. does that usually happen?
everyone glorifies sex. So you think 'oh it'll be this great thing'. yeah. it's not.
That doesn't mean it can't be. It means it wasn't for me.
We were careful. But apparently, since I couldn't. er. the sponge didn't work for me [trying to be discreet] I need the gel.
And........found out they don't sell female condoms at King's when I asked the lady.
Bryan had 2, so. we're good.
no one tells you just how emotional it is for a woman. the answer. is very.
still, i 'should' be proud of myself for having it.'
'again, adult content.
yes, more on my sex life.
maybe the bleeding is like cutting......?........because, if you cut after having not done it for awhile, it hurts. so.....i've only been penetrated once before........so. my body's most likely [well. obviously] not used to it.
oh, and the reason. er. 1, of the reasons women don't orgasm is because they're impatient.'
'26th
the hell I am.
So.......here's what happened:
I'd been emailing this guy and then stopped, as his er.......his. what he was eluding to [the fact that he wanted to have sex with me. flattering but um. no. i'm going to have to decline that offer] was a bit personal.
and frankly, I really didn't care enough for him to want to keep emailing.
He phones me, asking what's happened.......which I really hadn't intended on telling him. I was honest and he said 'well that wasn't my intention and I'm sorry you felt that way'. oh yes now he's sorry. lotta help that is.
'......you seem like a total flake to me'.
oh the hell I am [yes, again].
If I don't email/FB/phone you in awhile it's either because 1: I'm busy or B: as said, I really don't care enough for you to continue.......but. am much too polite to say so.
So now, I feel like I have to explain myself to the whole damn world.'
'Sexual/Adult Content Potential TW
[as though this really needs to be stated......anything having to do with my current sex life will obviously be sexual/adult content]
So, anyway.
The morning Bryan and I had sex [Wed.] the first time we tried, it was dark and I was on top. Which, you wouldn't think would trigger me. but it did.
When I was assaulted we were standing.
And then when he entered me, it was a good pain, untill he went further [farther?] and then I evidently bled a bit. Which, presumably I was embarassed by.
It wasn't so much that as........what it reminded me of.
having sex
reminded me of
the assault.'
'27th
actually this happened last Thursday night-into-Friday morning.
So, after the dancing we left the bar and went back to Mines. [oh. yeah. Kevin, friend Susie, my cousin and my boyfriend all apparently go to the School Of Mines]. Kevin and I hungout at his place [it's cute] for a few hours, talking. I had a midiri sour and then some water, as I felt fairly nauseous. not sure why, I didn't even drink that much.
We talked about tv a bit, and my past.
Around 2 a.m. he made grilled cheese w/ butter for the both of us. It was really good.
So I fell asleep on him. Around 5, I was half-asleep; I felt him gently get up and move me onto the couch.
He woke me up at 6. We got into his car and drove back to my place in the sunrise. The buildings were black against the golden sky.
it was so beautiful.
And........I slept most of the day that [last] Friday.'
'That's one of the things he said to me when we were talking a few weeks ago.
as though that's such a bad thing. he implied it was.
I don't want to be alone/lonely because I most likely'll resort to my addiction, being cutting [or worse]. and, like I've said, given the choice between cutting and having company, ........isn't having company better? '
'I've betrayed a good friend of mine. She doesn't know it. We don't talk that often.
So, last Thursday, when we were talking about sex, she told me to wait, to make sure I had birth control. [Which I did, the sponge. when I tried to insert it it kept coming out, so. need another method].
And I obviously didn't wait........I mean ok. it's not like I'm doing drugs. it's not like I'm out there whoring myself up on Colfax [I have yet to see a hooker on Colfax but were you to see one anywhere in the state that would be where. not that I'm up there that often].
Eventually something else will happen and I'll think about that.'
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