it's not been a great night. in 2017. got it.

this is from earlier:

well actually it’s 2:10 in the morning now but yeah. a little over like. an hr. ago i got upset. i was just. i felt so bad. and tired so tired. ptsd tired. tbi tired. i. well i was sitting on the floor but for a different reason other then being upset. i cried for like 10 mins. and i wanted to scream and it broke me and it hurt. crying that much to where it breaks. it actually physically breaks inside. hurts.

and i’m thinking ‘ok as long as you don’t throw something. you’ll be ok’. i’m ‘i hate ptsd i hate tbi’. and. i got to that moment where. i again didn’t even recognise. where i was. i don’t know i am or where i am and i don’t.connect. i actually. really wanted to SI. [btw didn’t happen.].

it was short but. pretty intense. i don’t cry like that a whole lot not anymore. this is no way to live. w/ a tbi and flashbacks and body memories and. confusion.

it’s no way to live. but it’s beautiful. and heartbreaking. and ‘creep’. this is exactly. what that song feels like. to me. and it’s sad it’s sad too. right now. this is what that song feels like.

i thought. i couldn’t remember the rape the last one and i kindof. don’t right now. but before. it’s surreal but it’s not.

it’s. no way to live. but it’s my reality. and. ........ i’m doin what i can. every day. i’m in some kindof physical pain. i didn’t know. what this would feel like completely. and i can take pain. but this is. different.

if dali could meet. this right here and combine it into the confusion and the memory and the dream memory.

so. it’s not been a great night.

maybe i’m just. being dramatic oh there’s nothing wrong this is how i am a lot. but no. this is a legitimate real problem. these. are legitimate real problems.

i actually. was on the online chat w/ rainn. but i don’t know. i mean. i’m not ready. to tell someone about the orange van thing. ..... so. this is life.