kiss. um. *TW in 2017. got it.

so...........in the cab van. thing. My dream memory thing’s telling me he kissed me. or? yeah but. i don’t recall how intimate that was. cause we sure as hell weren’t involved. he was some guy i met a bar when i was drunk and........yeah. like ‘yeah here’s. here’s something nice for you before i rape you’. right yeah ok.

in order to gain my trust. ok.

in the words of this guy joe: there was nothing consensual about that night. he, only knows about the.........what happened when we got back to my apt. he doesn’t know what happened prior to. to, that.

it’s weird that i don’t remember being, there in the cab van thing when this actually happened. it’s like i’m watching it happen to me. but then when I close my eyes and really think about it....... i feel like i’m putting myself back there in that night. or is that part of a movie I saw and, it’s getting confused?

but. i know it’s me i’m watching in my memory i know it’s not somebody else. and yet. what’s real and what’s not? maybe. nothing ever happened in the van thing except it did. maybe, not that or.........I keep. going back and forth switching.

i know. The rapes happened. yes at least 2 that night by him. in my mouth i feel.....him.........his........there. in my mouth. i, didn’t want it I couldn’t legally, consent.

i would’ve worn a coat that night but what did i do with it when we got there to my apt.? things are so weird.

i wasn’t. ever. his to belong to. and I don’t want to ever ‘belong’, to anyone like that again. i wasn’t his. i wasn’t his item and i’m not now.

he’s just some random guy, i knew. once. but not, in passing by passing.......by. cause there are so many people we see each day. and. that’s all.

he told me I smelled like roses. i, don’t like the scents of cherry or lavander. for that reason.

he said he wouldn’t........and then.......... when i told him not to he um. he said he wouldn’t. only, to end up........

maybe i shouldn’t have told him that. it’s like ‘oh she’ll be fine it’s already happened to her if she told me not to’. no obviously i wasn’t. and i’m still not.

of course i was fukin scared of it! because i had been, before.

i don’t remember. if we exchanged words, in the van cab thing. or maybe i don’t want to. [no why would i.].

did i fight him off then? in the orange.......thing. i.......... i don’t want to go. and answer that question right now.