blame and control. lots of control. in 2017. got it.

so the other thing the safe house denver website thing says. is that people sometimes blame themselves to have control over a situation. [actually they were referring to sexual assault but yes.].

yes. exactly. ok so in other words. ok so here’s an excercise:

I blame myself for the fall because _________.

^ in order to feel like i have control over what happened. even though. it’s already happened. even though. I already fell and sustained a concussion and all.that. cause i couldn’t control my own physicality that day.

and blame. i don’t know is ‘blame’, an emotion? like is that a thing? well if it is then. i can control that emotion. I might not be able to control my rage a whole lot right now. or how i am in general. but i can control blame.

maybe.

no and that’s the thing. is i didn’t ask, to get a concussion/TBI. [cause yes. TBI.]. why would I when the recovery is so awful? and for some reason. it’s odd to me that it wasn’t an act of self destruction.

yeah. i feel like again. it’s so blatantly obvious i now have a TBI even a mild one [mTBI] just by looking at me. like that’s all people see. again the spotlight effect.

oh so something else i’ve noticed is that i startle really easily as of late more then i used to. the smallest sound will make me jump.