20 days sober. in Questions

I haven’t been on here writing much, I don’t know why…I guess I got to a point with my own thoughts where enough was enough, I was just sick of hearing myself complaining.

I got sick enough of my life that I decided to do something about it, 20 days ago I decided to pick my ass up and go to AA. I don’t really know how I feel about AA in general, I mean…I’m pretty opposed to it, but I didn’t know where else to go, and I really felt like I needed a sense of community.

I ended up getting that in spades, I had a lot of people who were willing to give me their numbers and reach out to me, check up on me, make sure I’m doing okay…it was really helpful in the beginning, but I haven’t been going to the meetings lately and the support has kind of tapered off.

That’s okay, I’m still not drinking, I’m still doing okay…I’ve still got somewhat of a handle on this shit.

I decided that if I was missing community in my life so much, maybe I should do something about it and start reaching out to the people who are actually in my life.

So far this year, I have gone to Salt Lake City to see a bunch of my friends and my family. I was able to see my grandfather one last time before he passed…he ended up losing lucidity a short time after I left, and then he finally passed yesterday in the afternoon.

My heart has been heavy…but I am heading back to Salt Lake City in a few days to be there for the viewing and the funeral.

I also went to Vegas to go see my other grandparents and my uncle. I was able to spend two days with them, and it was great, much needed.

Shortly after that, I went to Oakland to go see one of my best friends of about 20 years now. It was a great trip, we mostly just hung around the house and played video games and watched movies and went out to eat…we went to San Francisco a couple of times and I had the best fucking pizza I have ever had in my entire life, it was magick.

I have been having a really hard time dealing with my emotions since I stopped drinking…it’s been difficult to face things that I’ve been running from, and for the first ten days I was disassociating a lot, which was terrifying, but I got through it.

I don’t know…I have so much more that I want to talk about, like my fear of death and how the passing of time have been driving me crazy lately…but I don’t know how to collect my thoughts well enough just yet, it seems like they are all going a million miles a second and all I can do is kind of just sit here and try to catch them as they fly by.

Anyway…that’s all I have.
I doubt anyone still reads this, but I still love you anyway and I appreciate you for sticking around.

I hope one day we can find a solution to all of this madness and find a happy way to live life.

I dunno.

I have to have faith because I don’t know what else to do right now.
That’s all.
Thank you.
I love you.

-Dane