Threshold in Daydreaming on the Porch
- Feb. 9, 2018, 1:37 a.m.
- |
- Public
I’ll never forget the day last Spring when I had to decide once and for all if I was going to retire from my job of 21 years. I could postpone it or I could do it. That afternoon I was scheduled to go to the human resources office and sign the papers that would officially get the ball rolling. Once I had inked those papers, I knew that for all intent and purpose I would be retired. Finis. The end of my work life and actually the end of my whole life as I had comfortably known it for many years. I was on auto-pilot, but the plane had to land. I could have kept working, but I was at the perfect age to retire. I had only just recently gotten Medicare forms in the mail. Opening that mail was as if someone was saying to me, “Now’s the time. Do it.” I was truly on a momentous threshold and I knew it. I was extremely anxious about what I was planning to do that afternoon, yet the whole time I knew I would go forward with it. I knew that afternoon would change my life, and it did.
About 3 o’clock I couldn’t sit in the office any longer. I was fidgeting. My nerves were becoming a tangled mess. Would I or wouldn’t I? But I knew I wanted to avoid one thing at all cost — indecision. Terrible indecision is one of the hallmarks of depression, and I certainly didn’t want to revisit times in the past where I was in a place of agony about what to do regarding almost any decision I had to make, no matter how trivial. But of course there was a huge amount at stake with this decision.
I walked briskly to the waterfront nearby, sat on a bench and pondered my fate. About ten minutes later I got up. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I walked back to work, and with a sense of trepidation but also newly firm resolve, I signed the papers. I walked out of the human resources office a different person. I would soon be leaving my friends, my daily purpose for being these past 21 years, and the comfortable routines that had guided me along during two decades of a satisfying final career ( I had had two previous careers).
I had crossed the threshold into a new world that afternoon, one that would be full of new beginnings and unknown adventures. For the immediate future, and for who knows how much longer, I would be immersed in the heavy responsibilities of caregiving for my mother, just as I had done when I worked. But I would be a different person, looking ahead to the final chapter of life and trying to do it one day at a time.
Deleted user ⋅ February 09, 2018
I say ; Write a book !
Oswego Deleted user ⋅ February 10, 2018
I have almost enough material for a book if I compile all my Dementia Journal entries from the past theee years. That would be a useful book and might really help others.
Deleted user Oswego ⋅ February 10, 2018
Great idea ! It’s such a concerning topic these days too ,,so very relevant !
Newzlady ⋅ February 09, 2018
Part of me thinks you regret it, but I hope that's not true.
Oswego Newzlady ⋅ February 10, 2018
I really don’t regret it because there sure is no going back now. And it was the right time. It just came up on me so fast.
northern lights ⋅ February 09, 2018
gypsy spirit ⋅ February 10, 2018
a momentous decision indeed and well executed....you thought it through fully with all the implications and made the right choice at the right time. I noticed another noter suggested you write a book...I second that. Hopefully you are keeping a personal diary from which to draw from....you have all the tools. Indecision as you mentioned it really is a big problem for many people, let alone aided by depression. Many will identify. Meanwhile this time with your mum is precious despite the difficulties so maybe the book will come later. have a good day my friend, hugs p
Oswego gypsy spirit ⋅ February 10, 2018
Thank you, my friend. I probably do have enough written in my Dementia Journals for a short book now, but I keep writing them, so it's probably best to wait until later to think more about getting that in book form. Someone once suggested publishing the Dementia Journals would benefit a lot of people in circumstances similar to mine. I will probably self-publish on Amazon, but we'll see. An actual publisher might be interested.
gypsy spirit Oswego ⋅ February 10, 2018
sounds ideal....for yourself, and all those who need to read it.
Take care, p
TruNorth ⋅ February 10, 2018
Having retired on July 1, 2017 I can understand your feelings. Is your retirement income sufficient? This is what caused me a lot of worries. I have a combination of my government pension, and pensions from my previous employment, plus my savings. All added up they are a little less than what I want so I would like to take on some part time work to supplement the income. I've got a little bit of temporary work right now, however, at some point in the near future I'm going to have to embrace complete retirement. My mother lives with me and she is getting frailer so I realize that she needs more of my attention too.
Marg ⋅ February 10, 2018
Momentous decision! Looking forward to the next entry on how you feel about it now😊
Oswego Marg ⋅ February 11, 2018
It was indeed. Seven months later I still cannot fully cimprehend it! I will definitely write an entry soon about what it’s been like!
Telstar ⋅ February 11, 2018
About 7 years ago I made the voluntary decision to retire within a two week period.
I loved my work & had some 17 years on the best job I ever had.
It was the right thing to do & I've never looked back...........
But it was the right time
Oswego Telstar ⋅ February 16, 2018
Yes, one knows when it’s time for retirement. I simply could not care for Mom and continue to work full time.
Telstar Oswego ⋅ February 18, 2018
You're doing the right thing.