Where we are in In the Kingdom of Suzu

We are going to try and work things out. He thinks that we can.

We both had horrible nights. I had told him to leave and he went to a hotel. Once he left, inreally broke down. Everything that was going on in my head were memories of what we had built up, everywhere I looked around the house, it was us not my house or his but it was how we had made the house a home. I messaged him on FB that I didn’t want to do anything hasty and perhaps time apart would help. He replied in the a.m. that he didn’t want to be hasty either, would stop after work cuz he forgot his meds, apologized for dong me wrong and said he would be in touch.

I tried to go to work, I only lasted a half hour before I had to leave. My supervisors were really great, one knows more details cuz as I was leaving she was outside the building and I just broke down. I had called my son at work to see if I could go to his house after work to talk to him as I did not contact either of my kids last night. I didn’t want to tell him ver the phone but he guessed something was up, offered to call in to his work and come over. That was the final straw for me to leave work.

The k-man came and we talked and I made tentative plans to stay at his house that night. Needless to say he and his wife were shocked, I was able to speak to my daughter and she had the same reaction.

I had a call in for a lawyer, I went to the bank and came home. I had messaged jeffthat it was ok if he came for his meds but I didn’t know it f. Would be around or not and also that I had left work early. He never responded to that message so I didn’t know what was going to happen.

I was in the kitchen when he came, he knocked and asked if he could come in. I went into the living room, I guess he was getting his meds and I don’t know what else as he seemed to be in their for a couple of minutes. He came into the living room and right away said that he had done a lot f thinking and he thought that we could work this out if I was willing. Was I hoping he would say that and have a change of heart?—yes, but I was a,so scared. We talked for a few minutes and he asked if he could use the bathroom.

When he came back down, we really started talking. He hadn’t slept the night before, had thought about all the 22 years we had just going down the drain and realized it wasn’t worth it. What started as an emotional affair (I think about 6 months ago) turned physical but only became a sexual relationship sometime in November. He knew it was wrong and that people were going to get hurt, he didn’t want to hurt anyone but realizes that three people are going to get hurt and more. He also knew that he would have to break things off with her, wouldn’t do it in person because he didn’t know if would be strong enough but would do it over the phone. That scared me him saying that if it was in person, if he would be strong enough altho he continually assured me that he wants our marriage to work.

We did a lot of talking and he agreed to go to couples counseling. He did call her, I was upstairs and it lasted about an hour. When he came up, he was emotionally exhausted and I asked if we would be ok, holding my breath and he said yeah, that we would be. He didn’t want to discuss anything more and I respected that because the whole evening had been heartbreaking hard but I did ask him a few more times if he was sure that this was what he wanted and he said yes.

They had communicated thru FB messages and he said that he would delete her, altho so far he hasn’t but he hasn’t been on FB since this all happened. I had wondered why he didn’t see any messages from her because I had checked his FB during the day (I know his code and I would occasionally check his page because that was how I would know what was going with his son) but he would delete her messages. Since the phone call, I have checked his FB messages and there arena any from her but you can be sure I am going to check a lot more closely. I am really surprised that she didn’t message hm because he told me that she was really gong to take it hard—well tough s****—and he had always liked her as a friend (we had made her acquaintance years ago and I knew that he always liked talking with her but Jeff seems to get along better with females than males and it was never a threat). He deeply regrets crossing the line of friendship but knows that it had to be done.

Am I scared? H*** yes! Do I want save this marriage and can I think we can? If we both want it and work hard at it, yes we can. He admitted that what we had was the best relationship he has ever had. Not blaming me, he failed as a husband. I hope I am not a fool. I have a strong faith in God and have been praying constantly that things could work out, that I would have the strength to carry on no matter what, that I could have peace, that the memories of our life would stop and even now that if he is not sincere in wanting to be with me and making things work that I find out sooner than later (that scares me). Yes, we will go to counseling but because of what I believe in the Bible, I know we need to also have God in our marriage as to paraphrase, a threefold cord cannot easily be broken, for our marriage to truly be a happy one and to have success. We had left God out.

I will go into more as to what I think led to our relationship getting stale in another entry. I asked him questions and he gave me answers but I know I am going to have more as I process what has happened.

Thank you all for your support.

Last updated January 31, 2018