day of the dead. you're tellin me. and tapping. *Con./TA/BI in 2017. got it.

Ok so. A brain injury Is.a head injury [HI.]. lovely.as a um. head injury can contain the skull & brain.

So I looked up that tapping thing I was talking about. and apparently there’s also an emotional component. it’s not just the tapping part/touching. and.......i don’t know. like it’s touch and saying like.affirmations or w/e they’re called. saying nice things about oneself. I think yes it would be helpful for me. but i’d feel uncomfortable w/ the affirmations part. it would just. it would be weird.

Physically being nice to me. er i mean. when i’m physically nice to myself. and there aren’t words involved. it feels less weird then when there are words involved.

day of the dead. yeah. you’re tellin me. or dia de los muertos. it’s this holiday they have in Mexico where. [and maybe other Spanish speaking countries] where. the living visit their um.dead relatives.

ya know. i looked it up and. there’s something called nonphysical death. or. i think that was how they termed it. which. is just what it sounds like. even though i’m still physically here obviously i still want someone to visit me. either to like. actually physically visit, me. or.........to get at me either via phone or fb.

yeah um so i hit up Pat’s brother. on fb. I shot the breeze [what a weird expression] for awhile making small ‘talk’. i’m waiting for him to reply to. the last thing i said w/e that was. that way i’m not staring at 15 of my own messages.

i would want lilies. [lilies = death flower.]. and..........ok this is starting to get depressing and worrisome. my depression’s worsened sorry. ok re-focus.

it’s not.a physical death like. that’s not what happened. it’s. who i was before the BI. before the brain injury. i didn’t realise. how much a brain injury could change a person untill. it happened to me. i used to be sweet. and not verbally expressive. and warm and now i’m just. cold. and um explosive. and i used to.not have my phone on ‘silent’. and. yeah i’ve been a bit abrupt.

yes. i should be more responsible. i was like this before the BI but it’s. some parts, haven’t gotten better. In fact that was people’s biggest problem w/ me one of them. was that i wasn’t responsible.

i was in responsible in that. um. i let my mentor know i was cancelling. instead of just. leaving her hanging.

i was in responsible in that.i did my laundry.

a part of me.wants people to know. but i don’t want them to treat me differently or like i’m fragile or somehow broken. no again. i’m injured not stupid. i’m injured not fragile. they don’t understand. a i’m not ready to verbally tell people and 2. ‘oh you do? oh i didn’t know........wow. here let me make it better for you/let’s make a MRI appt.’. no. ok? i’m going to make this better for me. My recovery from brain injury. physically and neurologically. isn’t up to them. it’s not their injury. [ok that sounds weird but that’s my point.]. yes. stop at. ‘oh. you do? wow i had no idea’. see that’s fine that’s ok. or ‘oh........god........that sounds hard’. but proceed w/ things as normally as possible. the way things were before. the accident.

i’m injured. but i’m not 2. and i don’t want to be treated like i’m someone who’s broken and fragile and 2 yrs. old. yes i’ve been in quite a bit of physical pain. but i. i don’t want to be taken care of. [ok so. i was like this before. the BI.].

don’t make a plan for me regarding my own brain injury. that’s another reason i haven’t physically told anyone. er i mean verbally rather. also i’m leaning towards....... an MRI scan probably won’t show anything so there’d be no point. i don’t need some doctor telling me i injured my brain. no. i know i injured my brain. and/or. don’t make a plan for me regarding my brain or my body. it’s mine. not theirs.

The best part of ‘my’, brain injury. [yes since apparently it’s now ‘my’, brain injury. as though it somehow belongs to me.]. is. i survived and nothing worse happened.

like yes. i have a brain injury. i know that. but that’s not the only part of my life right now. yes it’s a big part at the moment. but not the only one. and. i don’t want to be treated like it is. like ‘hey guess what here’s the woman w/ the brain injury’. no. it’s or i want it to be. ‘hey. here’s this woman. and she’s changed bc something happened/bc of a big life event’. check ins [for those who know] are ok. but don’t like spread the attention over me in order to put out the fire. yeah. cause it is like fire. it’s scary and it’s life changing. and big.

i’ll be the one who puts out the fire. but please don’t rescue me. i’ll be the one to rescue myself. [ok and i don’t mean literal fire.].

i’m probably not actually doing enough here. i’m not. i haven’t seen anyone about this. and my small fire i’m building [ok again. not literally] to help myself w/ this. i’d really like that to be for one. [to bring my emotions down a bit here.]. looking at it through the window is ok.

i haven’t done enough. and that’s...........that’s my choice. that’s something my mom wants for me w/ any choice i make. is for it to be mine. like if i decide to buy cake instead of fruit. yeah. i could’ve bought the fruit. but that’s my choice.

hHw people handle things. what it comes down to is. it’s up to them. i decide to build a small fire and that’s what i’m ok w/. and not invite anyone to that. then ok. i’m, kindof ok w/ that choice though not entirely.

this is.ya know my world right now. my circle. my circle of me and the small fire and not inviting anyone. oh...........oh i get it. like a circus. or rather. being the only one in the circus tent. yeah. i like that. [unless i go places and then i don’t.]. it’s quiet there. and not such a dizzying spectacle of all the things going on. i like the circus. [old fashioned kind.]. but i couldn’t handle all the stuff of my head-circus right now. or even. the outside-world-‘circus’.

the sideshow acts. i relate to them they just exist somewhere else now. there’s that companionship that far off companionship.

no. i’m not doing enough. [and please don’t tell me i am. validate my feelings don’t ignore them]. ...............um..........there went my train of thought. ...........

it’s interesting. that i put that part about me although i didn’t directly state it um. me being inside w/ the small fire and it’s ok for others to look through the windows when. that’s exactly how derealisation feels. exactly.

it’s ok to look at something. as long as people don’t stare. ya know? [or maybe you don’t know.]. what i mean is.as long as not too much attention is paid to.w/e it is. [in this case. BI.].

maybe someday i’ll invite someone to the fire. but for right now....... this isn’t some day. this isn’t 2 months down the road or 2 wks. down the road. this isn’t the future. this is the now.