My Little Self in meh...

During the composition of my entry yesterday, I was talking to my son. I was telling him about the way I was feeling about a lot of things. My son disclosed a lot of things thay were happening to him by my daughhter that he never told me before. She would beat him up, punch him in the stomach. I didn’t know. And it made me super angry to the point I wanted to retroactively beat her ass. I finished the entry and we moved the operations downstairs because we were going to clean the house some more and watch movies.

What really happened was I pulled out photo albums and started taking embarrassing pictures of my brother to send to my niece. I’d told New Sis I’d be sending them. This sparked further conversation about family. I told him about his sister jealousy of him, but also laid out why she has herself to blame for it.

I showed him pictures that depicted Bubby Jr & Sr both looking like me as a baby. I came across a picture of my mom, my brother and myself. (If we are friends on FB, it’s now my profile picture.) I sat there and looked at myself in this picture. I looked at this sweet little girl and I wanted to hold her and hug her and sing and play with her. I wanted to protect her from all the shit that started to happen to her. I wanted to move her in with me and my son so she wouldn’t grow up hurting and she wouldn’t have to worry about being loved and wondering If she was loved.

I didn’t have daddy issues because I had my grandfather who loved me. I had issues, have issues because no one has really loved and accepted me for just being me, weird and all. They find reasons to judge and criticize me and downplay and discredit me, always moving the bar so that I’m forever jumping, trying to reach it. When I stop jumping, stop caring, it turns into me being anti-social, funny acting, etc.

I was tired of the race I’d never win. So I stopped.

Yesterday, was refreshing in away. We both got to admit that dropping feelings, moving on, letting go, is hard as fuck. I told him, letting go means not letting it define you anymore.

So we are going to work on that.

And so it goes…
Everyone have a great morning and day.

Kindest regards,
Sister