Impulsivity. *Sci. *Med. *Con. in 2017. got it.

so, and again. this is from earlier:

Some of this entry will contain science/med stuff.
so. i don’t think this is actually impulsivity. but that’s what i’m calling it.

ok so earlier. While I was waiting outside the store. well a store clerk was collecting carts. and so she was going slow and well even before TA i didn’t like slowness. but i was about to fukin lose it. so i left the situation. yeah watch out i’m volcano woman. [no really. watch out.].

um. well something I read online said something about how. there’s a part of our brain that’s ‘do it now!’. like ok we’re hungry. ‘go eat now’. [this doesn’t always happen. well for me it doesn’t.]. or we’re cold. ‘get warm now’. [now this is something i more likely then not would do. ‘get warm now’ as i hate being cold.]. well ok. so that makes sense that when we’re angry/put out we want to something about it ‘now’.

firstoff. i hate the word ‘rela*’. i hate when people use it i hate reading it i hate hearing it. on tv or in actuality. i hate it. i don’t use that word a whole lot. it reminds me of ‘downtown guy’ and that’s why i don’t like it. [i’m not sure. if i’ve ever written about ‘downtown guy’ in my blog on here.......]. ‘calm down’, ‘breathe’, ‘wait’, ‘stop’ [or. in my brain i translate ‘stop’ to ‘red circle’ as um. the traffic lights that people stop at are red circles] are all fine.

and second. telling someone who’s angry/put out to ‘calm down’ or some variation. doesn’t help. anger is actually a really difficult emotion for me particularly when i’m in a car and i like.due to my anxiety/the ‘having to be perfect’ thing. i shouldn’t leave. ya know whereas when i’m out somewhere i can leave the situation. esp. if i’m around people i don’t know.

ya know. vs. when someone’s upset comforting them might work. but w/ anger..........comforting me isn’t something that would work w/ me. either the other person should leave the situation literally or um otherwise. or i should. and sometimes do. and sometimes will.

2: Anger is right up there w/ rage. And rage actually is a primal emotion. and that means.........uh.............oh, essential. to...............? to what, exactly. like how is anger essential. I think. and i’m not sure i could be wrong here. that. anger is a way to keep people away from us so we don’t get more hurt. it’s like. no actually that’s not right.........a dog, for instance i once heard. will growl in order to .....................er...........protect itself. like ‘hey. leave me alone. i’m vulnerable here’. oh. wait. and maybe the sounds people make when angry [or the feeling of being so] do the same thing. kindof.

so it’s essential for, protection?...........maybe. unless i’m wrong/off.

3: ok science-y stuff here. the, ............... undamaged parts, of my brain will and are. taking over since the well. injured parts of my brain aren’t working so well right now. it’s and this is a weird way of putting it. but it’s like the damaged parts are um cold. [no not ‘cold’ um............like............vulnerable. although sometimes when people are cold they’re somehow vulnerable] anyway yes. the damaged parts are...........vulnerable and so. the undamaged parts are like ‘coating’, as it were, the other parts. [the nerves and such.].

4: so there is primary injury. that’s the first part. but then after that there’s secondary, injury. like. the secondary injury is what happens after. it’s the next step. it’s the............um........response/reaction. [btw. the word ‘primary’ comes from the word ‘primus’ as in ‘first’.]. oh.........so a primal emotion is an essential [neccessary] emotion ok.

there are a lot of words that i use. that i don’t actually know what they mean. like i know what they are but i don’t know what they mean.

5: a person doesn’t have to be um. unconscious in order to get a concussion.

6: i have um. anger issues. i did before TA. i’m embarassed to admit this which is why i don’t. and a lot of people have them.

7: lack of the capacity for empathy’. yes. exactly. or in other words. coming off as cold.

oh............so euphoria is a symptom of, as i call it, ‘injured brain’. it’s a. an*. emotional change

PTSD is a um. ‘psychosocial problem’ after ‘injured brain’. well i already have that from the SA. as well as probably from what happened when i was little.

i. and i’ve had this before. but i’m having trouble judging distances. like. .................depth perception yes i’m having trouble w/ depth perception. so i ‘have to’ assume things are closer then they actually are. or that...............top walls er i mean................ceilings* are lower then they actually are.

actually most. um causes of brain injuries [cause yes. BIs] are falls.

People who have BIs. are at a much, higher risk for SU thoughts.

as well as having significant levels of hopelessnes. so..........ok. a great level of that. [‘great’ as in ‘big’ in this case. increased].