so today was. fairly easy. *Con. in 2017. got it.

so today was. actually fairly easy.

oh. so even before TA [the accident] I had. um aphasia. which i think might be related to my PTSD. cause i was w/ my ex when I was 24 and I had it then.........aphasia i mean as well as PTSD. but i was raped when i was 17 and that’s like. 6 yrs. in between. but I was also raped when I was 24. [this was prior to meeting my now ex.]. so.

a person isn’t born w/ aphasia apparently. it’s something that develops over time. yeah i looked it up.

although actually. on a slightly unrelated note. PTSD is partially genetic. my grandfather [dad’s side] was a field medic in the war. [yes that war. wwII. 1940’s. the one that started in berlin in ‘39. and the only reason i know it started in berlin in ‘39 is cause of the show ‘cabaret’. yeah on the news they were talking about ‘the war’ and i didn’t automatically remember what that meant. anyway]. and. he never talked about it. but a they think he might’ve had um. Asperger’s so. from my experience people who have it [cause again. someone can’t be, a condition/disorder but they have, a condition/disorder] don’t talk a whole lot about deep emotional things. and um..............2. no. a lot of people who were in the war field medics or not don’t. talk about it. just like well i was raped and i don’t talk about it.

but. the reason i have PTSD and the reason he, probably had it are different reasons. er i mean. different events happened in our lives. that led to us having PTSD is what i’m saying.

i don’t remember the first time. I was aware of ‘my’ aphasia. i don’t remember any specific moment when. i noticed that change.

oh right. i also have the stigmatism thing. [i think it’s called ‘stigmatism’ and not ‘a, stigmatism’ but to me ‘stigmatism’ sounds like the plural of something. like fish or sheep. anyway]. it’s the eye thing. cause..............right i’d mentioned my issues w/ vision in a recent prior entry. my dad has it my sister has it.

the bruises actually. are slowly recovering.

I felt. like. ‘normal’, today. things hurt but not as much. and it’s odd. if i felt........um well ‘abnormal’ in some way. like if there was more pain or something. then I’d know ‘oh ok this part hurts a lot bc something happened to my brain’. pain is our body’s way of letting us know something’s wrong.

i think actually a couple months ago something happened to my spine. again. I was ok. like i could still physically do stuff. i don’t remember what exactly happened but yeah. cause at the time i remember not wanting to put too much pressure on it. the um pain went away eventually.

um........oh. so lately. whenever I see sections of ice on the sidewalk I panic. which makes sense as that was part of the fall. [which led to the concussion and. anyway.]. but then i’m ‘ok we gotta map our route’. i make a plan w/ myself for how to get around it. [i mean this in the literal sense.]. or sometimes actually i’ll walk on the snow. cause that. seems better. i was like this the walking on snow part even before TA.

.................................oh so i like trees. also that word has some meaning to me now even though i’m not. connected to it [the. ‘there’s someone in my head but it isn’t me’ feeling.]. yeah i’m one of those weird people who smells/touches trees. i was by a.............spiky..........er..........pine* yes i was by a pine tree earlier. and i um. I smelled it and touched it and I was calmer. and like euphoric. [well trees give off oxygen so that makes sense. i’d say i should get a plant but i’m um really bad w/ plants so.].

the euphoria might be related to TA. or not or maybe both.

so at my mom’s we have a. china cabinet and the other day i referred to it as an ‘armoire’. [it’s a wardrobe for those who don’t know. as in, narnia. the thing they went through to get to narnia. big wooden furniture piece.].

i managed not to fall today. thank god.