From a Great Day to a Cracked Leg Bone in meh...

So between last entry and today there have been a few happenings. Nothing bad, nothing great. I’m just really…meh.

Daughter and I weren’t speaking because I told her that she needed to get her hours changed and be present for her children. Her first reaction, “What I’m supposed to do? Quit my job?” No one said anything about quitting your job. Change your hours. She comes in my house, smelling like weed. I’ll never give her money again. Not that she got money from me to do that, but if you are going to claim and boast about working at two jobs, you shouldn’t be this broke that you sell food stamps for extra money. I sit for the kids at her place and it smells like weed coming up the stairs. She is taking meds or supposed to be taking meds for depression, but she needs counseling. To get counseling, she will need to stop bullshitting herself and stop being mad at people who tell her about herself.

Anyway…
My mom got into a fight with an elevator and broke her leg. Well, fractured it. She called me on last Friday, but apparently it happened on last THURSDAY. It throbbed and she thought nothing of it. Someone noticed how swollen her leg looked and they did a scan at the facility and found it fractured. So Saturday, she went to the hospital. That took all day. They kept her a few days and since she is totally wheelchair bound, they didn’t have to do surgery to fix it. What’s funny is the x-ray of her leg and foot revealed the pin she had when she broke her ankle back in the early 80’s. I took a picture of it and sent it to my brother. He called me that morning to let me know she was on her way to the hospital. I almost felt bad. I felt like this was another Saturday spent not doing what I need to be doing, but this was my mom. As long as it was her I didn’t care about that.

Bubby Jr’s little bottom teeth have broken through. Well, when I first noticed, it was only one because when I was feeding him, I felt it scrape across the bottom of the spoon. My grandchildren really are adorable. I’ve been trying to keep Bubby Sr under some kind of…not control, but trying to get him to control those damn impulses that make him… Like, if I’m standing somewhere and he’s sitting, when I get ready to walk he decides then is the right time to dash in front of me to some other target and I almost fall or trip over him. He does this all the time. I was holding his brother just yesterday and was by the fridge. When I turn to walk toward the living room he dashed right in front of me to the other side of where he was and I almost dropped the baby’s food. He does this ALL. THE. TIME. He also, when asked to do a simple task, decides to make a thing of it and ninja hops, karate jumps, sword swing, flip and flop over to the thing and unless you tersely say his name, he will do all of that to bring it back to you. It’s frustrating when one is not in the mood to deal with this imaginary obstacle course just to get me a piece of tissue for my nose. I love he has energy, but my LANTA does he need to settle down sometime.

And then there’s me…
Taking care of the kids everyday, praying they do raises early instead of waiting until March because I can use some little extra money even if I don’t see it.

I looked out the window one day and saw snow on the ground and then used my phone to purchase some boots for me and the son. I will go on record here to say I will not use Payless on line again.

1) I bought 3 pairs of boots and a pair of shoes for me and a pair of boots for the boy. Mostly clearance items, then applied a 20% off discount. With 2 day shipping, order came to 143 something since I had free shipping.

2) Received a notice that part of my order shipped. When I checked, it seems as if they did not account for the two day shipping and divided up the shipping charge in two charges and made it seem as if I never got two day shipping.

3) Next notice I received said there would be a delay in my order. The way that it read, they were looking for a few pair of what I ordered in different stores to ship to me and couldn’t find them. In the meantime one pair of the boots for me showed up.

4) Shipment was suppose to arrive on Monday, didn’t arrive until Tuesday. Only after they were received (boots for the son and another pair of boots I purchased) I received a notice that part of my order was unable to be shipped. My other pair of boots and some purple flats I wanted. I haven’t owned a decent real pair of flats in years and now I can’t have them. “Sorry for the inconvenience blah, blah, blah.”

5) I checked my bank account only to realize that they hadn’t even charged my card from the initial purchase, and lo and behold, I was low on funds so when they put it through for the lesser charge, my account was overdrawn. AGAIN.

If I wanted that much trouble I would have gone into the store. Get your algorithms together people. If it’s on your site and I am able to select it, then damnit I’m supposed to get it.

Then someone added me to a closed group on Facebook where they are supposed to be brimming with positivity. Frankly, it’s not what I expected. It’s called The Broke Black Girl, so I’m thinking someone is in there schooling folks on how to stop being broke. Yeah, it’s a mishmash of everything. It’s supposed to be a good and positive place, but I’m an introvert and too much togetherness with a bunch of folks that I don’t know, I’m not feeling it. I don’t like too much connectivity because it only breeds bullshit later on.

So I’m looking at the group and dealing with the fact that this is a rent check and the first of February is next week. I have enough to cover rent and that’s it. After that, I MAY have $6 left. That overdraft (coupled with the overdraft fee + plus something that I did too) brought my money way down and into the red, leaving me screwed and only covering rent.

Then I’m thinking: what am I doing??

I’m not really bad with money. Lots of things I do with money it out of a need. With the exception of New Year’s Eve, I don’t go out much anymore. That’s mostly because I’ve taken up watching my grandchildren, and partly because my “friends” feel burdened by me. I don’t want them to feel like that. So if they avoid me, then by all means, I will not be in your face. (Oh, RJ and I were supposed to see School of Rock. She showed me these tickets…I can’t remember when. When date for the show came, she neglected to tell me she gave them to someone else. Personally, I think she went with someone else. It’s cool.) I don’t make a truck load of money. I never have. Working at a non-profit starting out low and then staying there, being in a dead end job, unable to move. This is why I went to school. What did I get from that? Another bill. I owe the school money because they dropped me from a class and sent back my financial aid. Then I have student loans that were in forbearance, and I was able to pay $188 and somehow lost the $50 money order in the envelope to send to them. I just needed a stamp. I have an idea for my business, but I can’t do shit about it with no money and no car, because a car is essential to what I’m trying to do.

I was sitting here, thinking, what am I doing wrong? It’s like, I can see everything I want to be doing. When I figure out the plan and try to stick to it, there is always something that needs tending to. Monthly bus pass is $78. My gas bill is $212 and some change. My electric bill is not out of control, but they can turn off my electric quicker than my gas can be disconnected. We need to have food in the house. I watch the babies everyday so Bubby Sr. needs to eat when he’s with us. I’m not even always able to cook especially when my son isn’t home. My sis in law works out near where I live and she takes me home and to pick up the boys when she comes this way. The last time my friend M was around (which she’s moved back to STL and we are going to hang out more) we went grocery shopping and because she was in a car and I actually had the funds to do it, I bought almost $200 worth of groceries and still didn’t get everything I wanted to have. I didn’t go to the cheap store for one, but it’s lasted us this long, but now I can’t re-up on certain things. I have another account that I mainly pay my credit card out of. I don’t have access to it other than the routing number. And I’ve been paying that like that for years. so that’s go to money. If the kids dad paid child support monthly rather than bi monthly, that would help. I never wanted to count on that money coming in EVER.

It’s like every time I think I’m okay to start putting a plan into play, life fucks me up. I’m supposed to be at lunch right now and all I’m thinking about is going to get this money order and then get something for lunch with the little money I got left. Every now and again, someone asks if I want to go somewhere or if they can pick me up something, but that’s few and many moons in between.

On the plus side of things, I made amends to the person I said I was going to. And that person said that was a great beginning for me. It also lead to me closing the door on some other feelings about other people and things and I feel just a little bit lighter on that front.

Just some though. I have yet to learn to reign in who I call friends. I thought that part of my life was over.

So yeah. I figure that I had better blog because the slow simmer was about to start boiling.

Take care…

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated January 27, 2018