um. yesterday today. someone in my head but it isn't me. *Con.* in 2017. got it.

so yesterday was. well i was more explosive then usual. i get irritated pretty easily but usually i can control it. yeah so i was sitting in the........mall and this woman was having a conversation w/ another woman salesclerk type. which usually bothers me. i was sitting there hoping to enjoy my dining experience [choc. chip muffin] and i actually had to get up and move the conversation thing bothered me so much. i don’t know that i’ve ever physically moved, due to that. and it wasn’t even what the conversation was about or the high pitch. [actually neither of their voices were high pitched.]. something just really set me off. [obviously.].

yeah yesterday. at one point i’m thinking [to myself] ‘ok before you blow up at someone again. wait.’. i waited for the people to leave. if i hadn’t.......i probably would’ve ‘blown up at them’, as it were. this was in whole foods.

actually. at the mall is where i get maybe the most irritated. even if i know why i don’t like slow walkers. i. i can’t. my patience level has decreased. i’m fairly ok at whole foods. in terms of irritability. there’s this lawn outside i sit on. and that’s nice. like there are people walking but not at the same time i am.

apparently. and i didn’t know this. well before. but when someone has a concussion it impacts all areas of the brain. but moreso whatever part got hit. cause everything’s..........connected.

there’s this thing called ‘derealisation’ but that’s not the term i use. it’s the ‘there’s someone in my my head but it isn’t me’ feeling. i’ve had this due to sub. ab*se. i’ve had it due to schizophrenia. i think it’s part of psychosis. maybe. actually. um so now i have it again. it doesn’t frighten me which is good it’s just odd. it’s an odd sensation. like i know who people are but they seem. um. vague to me. it’s like a dream living in a dream. no actually that’s exactly what it’s like. i’ve bought a ticket for somewhere i’ve been before and it’s a dream that follows me and i don’t wake up from.

it’s like. i’m inside a building. [well. not literally.]. and everyone i know is outside of the building. and i haven’t gone outside of the building to. have them be people i vividly know. i don’t know how else to describe it.

i’m afraid i’ll forget people. not just their names but who they are to me. i would feel.bad if that happened. but maybe it won’t ya know? maybe this is my baseline and it’ll just. be like this for awhile and not worsen.

so movement is, a problem for me today er was. i mean the movements of others/cars. it usually drives me crazy when people are standing in line moving. like the line’s not moving but their bodies are. like ‘will you stop? my god’. but today movement was. dizzying.

i also at one point. well i was by...........whole foods and for a minute all i could see was the lawn and like. i think in my right periph the wall of the.the store. oh i looked it up and um peripheral hallucinations are a thing.

so mon. was my sister’s birthday. and untill she mentioned it earlier today [well i knew it was but] i didn’t connect it w/ the fact. that oh i should tell her ‘happy birthday’. [also. i’m not a v. verbally expressive person.]. i did ask how her birthday was but yeah i. i don’t exactly feel good about that.

so starbucks people are awesome. bc. they’ve been nothing but patient w/ me when it takes me a minute to.........think of the word for what i’m ordering. yeah so earlier i wanted to order. cake there. and i’m thinking ‘people have it at birthdays’ while also making the letter ‘c’ w/ my hand. and then making a square shape. yes. aphasia.

my memory is. about the same. i think. so. i know that,prior to her show,my mom gave me an envelope containing 2 tickets. to the show. which i did end up giving to the lady but then i think..........the lady gave the envelope back, to me. so to me i think that meant she wasn’t coming to the show. i think that happened that she gave me the envelope back. but somehow i got confused. [also i didn’t want her to come to the show but a that’s a seperate issue and 2 well. that really wasn’t my decision. no i know.].

so for a long time now i um. whenever someone brings up something that happened that’s not related to well. the rape it. those memories don’t feel real. like whenever i tell someone who was there [i.e. like if i remember something about a vacation we took. that’s what i mean by ‘there’] i always end the story w/ ‘i think’.’ looking for confirmation. cause i don’t entirely um....................trust, my memory and also. like i said those things don’t seem real. and they’re vague.

before well the accident’. i vividly remembered the rape. and now. i don’t. like last night i was in the kitchen either getting food or cleaning up and i’m ‘wasn’t there a dog here at some point?.........yes yes there was. he was a good dog’. my mom’s dog. [well. even if right now i don’t vividly remember him. at least i remember that he was a good dog.].

throughout my life. people have told me something like ‘you have a good memory’. no. i don’t it feels like they think it’s this like. superhero power, or something. also that’s just confirming. [er no not ‘confirming’ sorry. no uh reminding. yes] that’s just reminding me that. other then the rape. [BTA. Before The Accident] none of my other memories seem real. like thanks......

um. i used to be. one of the deepest people i’d ever met in terms of emotion. when i was sad i was the saddest person. same when i was happy. or angry. or w/e. and now i’m just. i’m not that way as much. and i remember [though not vividly of course cause like i’ve stated] being that person. being that deep. relief/happiness i can do. like when i’m somewhere i’ve been before and i realise that. i’m so relieved by it/happy about it. like oh omygod. i’ve been here before.

at some point in time i was talking w/ someone about this. not my situation exactly but the overall concept of people having.........um........neurological disorders. and right now. i think it’s worse, to have gotten a concussion after the age of like 4 [as most people don’t..............remember things before that age] and remember who the person was prior to that. then um. it being the other day. [it also of course depends on the severity of the.........concussion and stuff.].

oh. so ya know when. um. a person first physically wakes up and it takes them awhile to wake up otherwise [mentally i guess] and then after awhile they’re less tired? well right now i don’t have that. like. i don’t wake up otherwise other then [obviously] physically. i’m not less tired [exactly] i’m just the same amount of. tired.

stimulation is. one thing i don’t like is when someone wants to get my attention and then i don’t respond for a minute so they get it again. like yes i heard you the first time. we don’t have to keep doing this. just cause i haven’t responded doesn’t mean............um.......... that like i didn’t hear. it just means i’ve not responded yet. like give me ad**n

minute. so earlier when i was eating berries my mom was telling me about how she wanted to wash the um linens on my bed [there] as we’re having company. and. oh no so prior to that. well she forgot to put the potato in the oven. and so she was giving me instructions on how long she wanted to microwave it for. but i was eating and hadn’t responded. so it’s like omygod i need 2 mins. like i’m eating let me do this first.

the whole potato in the microwave thing took me longer, then usual. cause i didn’t know what the word ‘plate’ meant so in my head i’m something about the white circle [plate]. and the square [microwave]. like apparently there are a lot of steps involved in.........er..........with putting a.............potato in the microwave. and also getting bed linens off the bed and carrying them to the cube [washing machine.]. for me there were.

i’ve always. trouble w/ brushing my teetih. i mean actually physically brushing them [and it’s not that i’m incapable] as well as.um. emotional/psych. problems. [being raped/having ptsd for instance.]. but today. i had trouble just like. automatically open my mouth. so in my head i’m ‘open the door/think of it like a door’. oh and my term for.............moving.......the toothbrush from one tooth to the other is something about a/the bee pollinating the flower. cause that’s somehow just easier.

flossing. is apparently really physically difficult. to manuever the flosser dude. [the stick thing.].like i can but omygod it’s frustrating. but the mouth opening might also be psychological.