Updates and Decisions in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Yesterday was an excellent example of how this firm works.

My morning was spent entirely doing work for White Boss. He had an 8am hearing he didn’t want to attend, so I did it. That hearing had a complication because his client is in the hospital; so I wrote the motion/order fixing the problem. The client needed to be consulted in the hospital, so I had to go to the hospital and talk with her.

When I got back from the morning of doing for white boss? Chinese Boss called me into her office. For thirty minutes of straight “You suck at this job. You may not make it here much longer. You make such stupid and repeated mistakes. You’re just awful at this stuff.”

Honestly? Considering how little I receive here (in support, training, office resources, compensation, etc) and considering how much I give (granted, to their estimation, I may not do “enough” for them… but I give way past my limit) to this firm… I almost walked out right then and there. I did stand up for myself, though. I demanded proof of every time Chinese Boss said something faulty or bitchy. “You messed this whole thing up!” Show me where. “Here, you wrote the address wrong.” In a 12 page document, in one specific instance I wrote 535 instead of 505… that is an issue. “It proves to me you don’t proof read and that is unacceptable.” I am sorry that in proofreading a 12 page document, I missed that error. “I tell you this over and over again. Fix the heading.” Show me where. “You write e-mail address wrong. That is old e-mail address not current one.” I didn’t notice. The e-mail addresses are nearly identical with a few letter replacement exceptions. “I’ve written you up about this multiple times and you don’t do better.” You’ll have to show me those writings. Because this is exactly the heading I’ve submitted before and the only thing you’ve ever mentioned was to double check the Send To Mailing Address, which has been correct every time, and you still yell at me about it. “I might not be able to find all the writing, but we’ve talked about this!”

So… yeah. That plus additional veiled threats that I could be terminated… even if my head and hopes for the future don’t agree… my heart is pretty damned sure I need to just walk away from this damned place. But of course… it is me. I didn’t just walk away. And as I think about it, I continue to be torn directly in half over it. So I started thinking.....

“This is another thing about me… when I’m in a bad situation… I can never just leave. I don’t know if it is because I think I deserve to be in a bad situation or (more likely) I have this belief that a bad situation is the required before part of a successful journey. If it is… I still haven’t seen any of the successful part of my journeys.

I see a lot of that here. I see poor management, abusive treatment, poor compensation… and yet I still can’t simply take it upon myself and decide to leave. My rational excuse is: “I’m working towards my dream and I have to put up with this.” But… I know that isn’t the emotional reason why I stay and with me… emotions do have more control than rational thought, despite my best efforts. The emotional reason I stay is… I don’t know if I’m just being a big ol’ weak baby by wanting out. Would other people feel as I do? Is my own weakness the reason I can’t hack it here? Because if it is my weakness… I don’t want to submit to that. And that thought process has kept me in every bad situation I’ve ever been in. If it is a bad situation, I can’t tell if it is a bad situation because I’m weak. And if it is because I’m weak; I can’t let it beat me. Which starts a terrible spiral. Because the more the situation beats me, the weaker I think I am, the harder I want to fight back.

So, like my Sister In Law before, I need to talk to my parents. I need to figure out if I’m being “too sensitive” or if I am honestly just fighting for my rights as a human being. Because I don’t know where that line is.”

And that is big. I mean… this job is honestly directly affecting my health. In negative ways. But… I just… I can’t submit to my own weakness. I can’t let “I’m not good enough” beat me. If I leave… I need it to be for something better. But maybe that isn’t healthy. Maybe being able to say, “I need a different situation” is a healthier attitude. And the fact that I don’t know that is potentially problematic.