So… yeah. I am entirely decided.

I spoke with Wife about it, I will speak with Parents about it tonight… I’ll write my resignation letter this weekend and begin the process of withdrawing from cases. I just… putting in the time I do… to create poor quality work… because I am too stressed out… because Chinese Boss absolutely stresses me out… we all deserve better. My wife deserves a husband who can function, I deserve to be functional, and the Firm deserves an employee that will work out for them (if one such as that exists). So… honestly… long term… best for everyone. While I do worry about how this may impact the pursuit of my dreams? I know, firmly, that staying here is not what is best for me or those dreams.

I mean, fuck. White Boss yesterday was lamenting that he could not sue Police Officers for being “racist.” When I asked what the case was, he referenced my cases. The Chinese kids being arrested for driving under suspension. The Chinese kids that are habitual offenders for driving under suspension. And yes. I wanted to tear my hair out. Here’s how the world works, just in case you weren’t aware.... if a police officer sees a 2007 Maroon Honda License Plate Starting with FRT… and every time he runs the plate, the driver comes back as suspended.... if he sees that individual multiple times… he’s going to remember. And go after. Because if that kid doesn’t learn that he isn’t supposed to drive… and continues to drive… the police will continue to pull him over and ticket him. That isn’t racism. That is intelligent police work.

Plus… did I mention this already? The kid who brought a loaded handgun to school? I know I’ve mentioned him before. But after negotiating with the Prosecutor for two months… I got it from a Felony Charge to a Misdemeanor and I got it so that the client would not have to admit ANY wrongdoing and would spend ZERO TIME IN JAIL. Not a felony conviction and no admissions of wrongdoing and no jail time… that is the best you can expect in a criminal matter when there are no less than 4 videos confirming the client’s guilt! Chinese Boss said the deal wasn’t good enough. It would still get him deported. SAID I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE THE CASE TO TRIAL. So… I was upset. I spent two months getting this kid a slap on the wrist instead of potential Felony Level Incarceration… and I “didn’t do a good job.”

So yeah.... no wonder I’ve developed a stress-response massive eye twitch in my right eye!

So I decided to have dinner with my parents tonight to discuss the matter.

Except… this morning?

Gun Client fired us and went with another attorney. White Boss told me not to have lunch tomorrow, he was going to take me out to lunch. Considering everything else this week? This might be a termination. At the very least, this will be a conversation of “What’s wrong with you? Do you even want to be here?” To which I will likely explain, no. And inform him that I was preparing my resignation this weekend. Or… he’ll straight fire me.

My resignation? I’ll be out of a job starting March 5th.
They fire me? I’ll be out of a job a lot sooner than that.

Either way? As terrified as I am that I am doing something typically disastrous for my future… I feel a little giddy at the thought of being out of here.

Though… here is a revelation I shared with my therapist:
We were discussing how I certainly have a “fighting spirit”… that I would usually rather fight for/through than give up (marriage, job, etc) and that my cortisol levels via my sympathetic stress-response keeps me in Fight or Flight so that the answers are always either “Fight through it” or “Flee from it.”

This is what I said in response: “What I hear in the Fighting Spirit (which is super true… I could barely swim when I hit High School and left High School with a 100 Yard Butterfly time of 1:09. Which was awesome for me)..... but what I hear in the Fighting Spirit thing or how I see that playing out in the world… is that I want to fight for what I want but what I want is often, if not always, a “In The Future” thing. SO I don’t know/realize/understand how to set up boundaries, healthy lifestyle choices, or a real life of any kind in the NOW. I mean, I know we discussed elements of this before but.... in this area in particular, it has created an abundance of bad. The idea that I focus so much on what I want/need for the future, and dedicate my fighting spirit to that; but I don’t know how to set up a healthy present. No wonder I’ve never really felt like I’ve achieved anything!”

And that is resoundingly true. I’m always trying to fight my way to how the future should be/could be… I’ve never learned how to have a healthy, successful, or even worthwhile present. And, even though it is obvious, if we don’t have a functioning present, we’ll never have a successful future. So… I’m hoping… if it is at all possible… that in my time of unemployment… one of the things I can figure out is how to have a functioning present.

EDIT

Seriously? This. This exactly. This is exactly the kind of absolute bullcrap that makes me think, “Nope. I could do the lawyer thing, I could, but not at this firm. Not at a firm who ranks Chinese Clients above White Employees in this way.”
You see… we have a Chinese Client (shock of shocks) who was released to Pretrial Release, a sort of “pre conviction probation.” Communication between Pretrial Release and their client does not go through any lawyer channels and is not sent to the attorney. Therefore, any communications between Pretrial and The Client do not come to the attorney’s notice. One such communication informed our client that she needed to report to Pretrial this morning. She did not report to pretrial this morning. Pretrial filed a violation and warrant, as she did not report to pretrial this morning. All of this is par for the course; shit, I used to help Work Crush do this! Except… Chinese Boss is upset. As her attorney, WHY wasn’t I aware of all of this and how am I going to fix it?

Seriously? Wait… seriously? You’ve… you’ve never handled a criminal case in your life before, have you? And if you have… what in the world makes you think that a Chinese Student’s irresponsibility means I am at fault for something? Really? Really? Maybe… and I know… crazy idea here… maybe if the Chinese Student cannot behave responsibly, follow the law, or be held accountable for her own actions… maybe she needs to go back to China and mature a little more. Yeah, that is me acting like a dickhole. I get it. But seriously? If you were blamed for a 20 year old’s irresponsible behavior repeatedly… you’d be a dickhole, too.

Last updated January 25, 2018