Can We Get This Written? in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I wasted my weekend.
I can’t remember the last time I wrote in here so that should also tell you where I am mentally.
BUT Thursday of last week was a very difficult, very draining day. Cripplingly exhausting. But it was only a Thursday so I had to come back and put in more time on Friday. During my time on Friday, I literally used everything that I had left in the reserve tanks. You can tell because I got into a car accident leaving the office. So tired, so exhausted, so drained… I had to get as far to the right as possible (as the parking garage is ONE lane but that lane has to be both IN and OUT). Too far to the right and I ripped off my sideview mirror. Got home and pretty much slept the entire weekend. Which also means I did NOT go pants shopping or suit shopping like I was supposed to and I did NOT do the guided meditations my therapist wanted me to do.

AND SPEAKING OF....
the therapy thing is a bit weird. We are discussing (1) Authentic Self; (2) Health and Balance; (3) Self-Compassion and Self-Care; (4) Temporal Displacement. Some of it is good, some of it creates more questions.
Like… Authentic Self.
For most of my life I didn’t have a “me.” I had a “here is who I am to get to the next stage.” But over the last decade, I’ve really developed a clear sense of ME. Who I am. What I care about. What I want in life. I have an actual, honest to goodness, ME. And… lets be honest here… a large part of my issue these last two years was questioning that due to circumstances. So… we’re working on Understanding and Accepting the Authentic Self.
Like… Health and Balance.
She is curious why I don’t believe I am worthy of health. And pretty much my response is: Because I’ve never had it. Until I started getting medicated for Fibromyaglia, I was sick all the time with high grade fevers. After medication? Not sick as often. But I kind of miss it because being forced to take a break every now and again was a good way of recharging me. Now I just live in the limbo of always tired and never recharged. Which is how we talk about balance. And how America sucks at balance. And China is even worse with balance. And most attorneys don’t have the first clue as to balance. So… a place to work on certainly.

And we talk about more. But a big thing? I thought maybe my job item would become clearer through therapy. Stay, Go… through Therapy I would gain emotional stability and insight to understand what I need to do. But… I’m not exactly getting that.

I am realizing a few things....
(1) Through Therapy I realize that this job is what a lot of 1st Year Law Students would consider to be an ideal job. Hard work, potential for growth, new and exciting and constantly changing areas of law… a job for a real High Aiming Lawyer. The job isn’t a shit job… from a certain point of view.
(2) It isn’t my point of view and I don’t have to feel bad that it isn’t my point of view. I don’t want to ride across the state, roping cases and bringing them down to make sure the firm grows, expands, and gets richer. I’m not young, I don’t have the energy of a 22 year old, and I don’t want to conquer the legal frontiers. AND I DON’T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. I am allowed to be who I am.
(3) So then what does this job give you that another law job doesn’t? Positives! This job orders me to do things at random, but gives me more freedom than some other firms. This firm wants me to bring in clients, but doesn’t fire me for a slow week. This firm allows me to work on Criminal Matters whereas another firm would demand I go to a specific department and only do that work.
(4) So then what does this job give you that not working doesn’t? Positives! Money. Something to do. Networking potential with other attorneys. Professional Liability Insurance.
(5) What is the biggest reason to stay? I really want to continue forward with my dream of becoming a full time prosecutor in a county with more than 65,000 people and get a house and a dog. My biggest reason to stay is my terror that by quitting I will be jeopardizing my chances of achieving that dream.

So… if those are the good things… what are the good things about leaving?
1) Unlike many who make that decision, I would not worry about money. My wife and I have an acceptable reserve and (quite frankly) I could make as much working at Costco as I do now… with less driving and receiving Heath Benefits. And with my Monthly Pills (Fibro) and Drops (Glaucoma)… insurance is a definite positive(!) So… ultimately, money is not a reason to stay at this job.
2) Being in control of my own schedule, I would get considerably more sleep and I would have the opportunity to get my body back in shape. Both for my physical health and mental health. So… ultimately, it might be healthier not to stay at this job.
3) Being in control of my own schedule, I would be able to be a better husband. I could cook healthy foods, I could keep the apartment clean, I could finally get my car repaired (even before the Friday Accident, it has needed multiple repairs).
4) I could attend whichever CLEs I wanted without needing approval from demanding bosses.
But then… I think about the negatives as well....
Negative First: By leaving this job so quickly after starting, I could likely be hurting my future prospects.
Negative Second: If I leave this job and do non-lawyer jobs in the interim; I could be hurting my future prospects.
Negative Third: If I leave this job and take a job at a Costco or something of that nature; I would be taking a personal step backwards (from Attorney to Cashier).

And it keeps coming back around. Staying at this job does nothing for my present and leaving this job could be good for my present. BUT I also wish to consider my future and work toward the future I want. What if leaving this job directly hurts that future?