i. i know how i feel. this is my reality right now. *long* in 2017. got it.

Ok so. last Mon. during the fall i got a cncsion..........yeah. [oh that word has um stars in it as i’m not quite ready to type out the whole word yet.].
So I recently joined a forum dedicated to. people w/ neurological issues which i now have. [ok 1, a, neorological issue and um b. ............ i remember at one point in my life i actually saw, a neurologist.but i don’t know.........like i thought it was for emotional stuff even though.......they’re not. oh no wait maybe she was a neuropsychologist. i didn’t like her]. but yeah my NI. Neurological Issue. and. i posted on there what had happened. and then one of the.........the people asked for clarification and i clarified. well like w/ a lot of people. the next question was a problem solving one. and i wanted emotional support which i didn’t feel i got. i wanted, to be listened to. so. yeah taking a break from posting on there.
i felt. like the member didn’t believe me. said something about my symptoms not being common w/ a NI. or maybe it was they were uncommon, w/ a NI? so confused. the way that was put. i don’t know what the fuk they’re getting at. and i’m not unintelligent i’m just having trouble. I’ve also put that. i’m not always as.............day.........oh, clear. [as in ‘clear as daylight’] as I want to be which is hard. er ok........so that was in the post the person replied to.
but. I. I know how I feel. even sans drs [i probably won’t..........] i know how I feel. I feel like crap. physically moreso then anything. i’m dizzy lightheaded nauseous sick. floaty. so yeah. I’m a bit defensive. and part of it is actually due to the changes in my um.in my head. [right the reason i’m taking a break.].
This is my reality right now. It’s gripping and it’s sad. yeah no this is currently the life of someone who recently discovered they now have a NI due to a fall. and damnit. they weren’t careful. [er i mean me. i’m the someone.].
so don’t sit there and insinuate............ok, ok i’ll stop.
i feel this weird. buzzing sensation in my head. it makes the sound of a dental drill. i don’t think it’s um...........tinnitus as i’ve had tinnitus and that’s something i’ve heard like.externally. i’m not worried it’s just odd.
It’s like Frida said: i don’t paint dreams or fantasy i paint my own reality. right exactly. I know what happened. I was there. Am I being paranoid? no............right?........... i. fuk. idinno.
it didn’t happen. i didn’t go out on monday valerie didn’t cancel i didn’t fall. i’m not having problems. no..........but I am. I know bc the physicalness is there. the physicality and the sensations and the feelings. and the off-ness.
denial: being too uncomfortable w/ something. not accepting it but rather, rejecting it. paraph.........oh fuk. i lost it.............term saying..........oh, paraphrase! paraphrasing Wikipedia there.
denial can be something that........... [sex outerwear............um.........cold.......more]. protects, us . [ok so sex = condoms. people have on more outerwear when it’s cold]. and gives us time to...........get used to, something.
do i want this to go away? this, from an article i read on the Mayo Clinic site about denial. the...........the NI. the result of the fall. yeah. i do. i want it to never have happened. and not even the fall itself but the whole NI.thing.
i can be in.denial or, i can not.be.in.denial........but fact is it’ll still have happened. choice is mine. [something about that was in a ‘leave it to.........beaver’ episode. the dad said something about it.].
i’m not being self destructive right now. which, obviously would not be a great coping mechanism. no cause drinks/other substances. um make me dizzy and........that’s just not a good plan. if my head hadn’t been effected. i would. honestly that’s probably the only reason right now i’m not drinking or w/e. [and yet. i’d probably have no problem going out on tues. on a 2 hr. walk. yes cause anxiety. yes cause i have to be ‘normal’. yes cause.........ok.].
i don’t like. that i’m similiar to.........the............the woman in ‘the vow’ or the guy in......... ‘lords of dogtown’. but right now that’s.......i mean........yeah.
I’ve been actually. and maybe ironically. more patient w/ people. cause i know it’s taking me longer then...........um.........normal to understand something. even what i’m saying.
I’ma probably need. more detailed extensive notes over the next wk. or so. not just ‘ok go to Street A and then to Street B’. but. ‘on Street A there is a blue triangle up’. [the ‘triangle’ being the.............um. roof]. colors shapes ok yes.
i don’t want people to look at me differently. or treat me any differently. like sorry i need lots of notes. not my fault. i have memory issues right now and a part of me is broken.er disconnected. or well sorry i’m staying by the perimeter of um things.
and mabye they won’t. but change is............we’re not always um............like. clear on, how other humans will react. [again. by ‘humans’ i mean people.].
actually. interestingly enough I do know a bit of ASL. a slight, bit. so um that helps.
oh shit. i couldn’t talk when i was orally raped. and now. due to a different issue. i might have trouble again. like...........damnit. i feel so.......um well behind. and so. new to the world. i’m a year older then 29 but fuk i feel new. like. a foreigner. i’ve lived in a place and yet it’s like i’ve just moved. i don’t recognise things as they are. i recognise them using my own language. [again. receipt = financial note. or. ticket = show password.].
yeah so. i’m an immigrant, in a way just. not like. literally. so rather i’m like, an immigrant. exploring this new world. i didn’t have to go far, to become this way.