Decisions in 2018

When I was sixteen years old, I was involved with a girl named Lee. And I wanted, more than anything, to do all sorts of sexy things with her that I wouldn’t allow myself to do. And so, what did I do? I tried to make it happen in such a way as to avoid responsibility. One fine day, I got her down into her underwear, and then said I was leaving the room, but that, when I came back, she should be naked. I came back and she wasn’t. She’d have let me undress her, but she wanted me to take responsibility, but while I was more than willing to do something wrong, I wanted some weasely escape to say that it wasn’t my fault.
Scenes reminiscent of this abound in my life. This one simply stands out as the most vivid, visceral, and pathetic. There have been plenty more.
When I look back at the major events of my life, I don’t know that I can say that I’ve made a significant decision in a very long time. Things have happened, and I’ve let them happen. The last decision that I can think of was in 2007, when I decided to go back to the US rather than staying at JCMU, something I have since regretted. When I look at the major events in my life since then, they’ve happened to me. I’ve been a mostly-passive spectator.
I stopped acting because the theater closed. I ended up in China by accident when I got a job offer from there. I went to Japan to search for a job before that because the family and friends said it’d be a good idea. I left the English school I was working at because it was horrible and I was in a miserable situation. Then, I ended up staying longer than expected due to various sundry legal and financial problems. Caused by aforementioned school (hence why leaving it doesn’t seem like much of a decision to me). After that, I went back to the US because my health collapsed. I got a job at the bar because somebody offered me one. I applied to JET because . . . well, that was a decision I had made at 13 and I was going to keep going with it. And so I came to JET. And I came to Satsuma. And . . . life just happened to me. There was good, there was bad, and every day I’ve made a thousand tiny decisions, one of which has certainly been more significant than I could possibly imagine despite being so mundane I cannot even think of an example. What pants to wear in a given day, for instance. Sure, some decisions that I have made have almost certainly, in a for-want-of-a-nail sort of way, changed my life. But conscious alteration? I didn’t have the balls for that.
Until this afternoon. When I did.
One of the things that settled my mind, or at least got my mind moving in the direction of leaving, was the realization of what I hoped for. I hoped that the Board of Education would make a paperwork error, and that I’d be ineligible to sign up again. That way, I’d leave. But it wouldn’t be my fault. I wouldn’t have to accept the responsibility.
And so there was Lee again, and I was sitting back humiliated by my own inability to just . . . do what I wanted. Demanding childishly that somebody else do it. And I was ashamed. I was ashamed of myself. And it became clear to me that finally, after sixteen years, I was going to take her clothes off.
Metaphorically, of course.
I sobbed the whole time, continuing this rather unflattering metaphor, but in the end, I did it. And I kept crying. And I hid myself and cried. The scene itself was not calculated to ease my feelings.
I arrived at the office, and, naturally, children were being picked up, and I saw their smiling faces and they greeted me, and I thought to myself what a monster I was for willingly leaving them. And I went up the stairs to see my bosses, and the only two in the building were the two I adore the most. And they were serious, and maybe a bit disappointed. However . . . this is Japan. And a man who cries appropriately, especially while doing what he knows to be right, is something that garners a bit of respect. And this contained my shame to some extent. Then I left, and I embraced my students in the parking lot, and they noticed that I looked tired. Oh was I tired.
I called Eric Muscleman and we went to Rara for dinner. Terawaki was there. It would have been his daughter’s birthday today, but she died last year. That certainly puts things in perspective. Eric and I talked for a long time. We talked a lot yesterday, too. Talking to Ken also helped. As much as my lady friends are good for me, it’s really great to actually have male friends. Especially ones who have opinions and offer advice.
So . . . now what? Back to the metaphor, I’ve gone all in. I’ve made my decision, I’m suffering the consequences. And so . . . what’s left? The only thing that I can think of is to make this count. I’ve made a decision to follow a dream, and I’ve made a sacrifice on the altar of a future. Two years of happiness in exchange for . . . I do not, and cannot, know what. There’s a world out there that I’ve got to find and to pursue. And while Satsuma has healed me, it’s time to leave. I’m not ready, but the longer I stay, the less ready I’ll be.
I had considered, for a time, waking up every day and reopening that scar on my wrist, or giving it a twin, as a reminder to be more than what I am. I can say that this sacrifice was far, far, more painful.